does anybody care?

I can't stop thinking about how much I seriously want to commit suicide right now. This life seems so pointless. I've been pretty much been getting by on the thought that this is all just a speed-bump. I won't be in college forever. I won't have to work at a crappy job forever. Like there is something left living for, like it all gets better after this. But now, it feels like life will always be this crappy. It doesn't get better. It will always be this stressful. I will always have problems.

Today I got my schedule for work next week. 18 hours. pitiful, I can't really maintain myself off that, since I'm spending $100 per week just for my car. This is the third week I've had terrible hours. Tonight at work was terrible. I was scheduled for closing shift, 3pm to midnight. There was supposed to be one other person helping me until 10, but he called in sick. I was the only one after 9 pm. I had to do all closing duties, including gathering all the garbages from the store, (we have a HUGE store, in case you didn't know, this isn't your 6-checkstand shop) restocking all the bags in the checkstands, cleaning the checkstands, etc. I also had to do cart duty which basically is just gathering all the carts from the parking lot. I had to do any perishable go-backs, things that need to be put back on the shelf immedietly, such as ice cream or milk. To top it off, some guy ran his electric cart into a stack of boxes containing wine bottles. Guess who had to clean up all that? There were at least 4 or 5 broken bottles. So, while I'm doing all this, my manager of the night, who normally is one of my favorite managers, makes me help some customers in the bakery, as if I didn't have enough on my hands. I had no clue what I was doing, I don't work in the bakery, I know nothing about it. I go to the back room, and I see my manager standing there, arms folded, talking to some people, laughing and whatnot. And it pissed me off to know that here I am, doing way too much work for one person to be assigned to, normally we would have 2 or 3 people to be doing that amount of work, and I see her standing there. A little earlier, I had paged her over the intercom, twice, she never came. A little later then that, someone else paged her, not once, not twice, not even three times, but four times, each a few minutes apart, asking for a manager override. The customer couldn't leave until they got the override. It must have been 10 or 15 minutes until someone else got there. A little later, I see her laughing and talking to some more people. Never once do I see her working. Anyway, A little later, someone else calls for an override, and she is standing only a few feet away, and continues talking to someone. I say something along the lines of "She needs an override, come on, you're standing right there!" in what could be interpreted as a rude voice. Well, not long later, I get a call to the office, we have a discussion in which I make my grievances known, and she gets a little pissed at me for it, something like "I'm still your manager, I don't have to answer to you. To you, maybe it doesn't look like I'm doing any work, but I have been." After this, she sends me home for the night. 45 minutes early, that really helps with me getting more hours now, doesn't it? Who knows, I may even be fired when I go in to work tomorrow.

School sucks, I've stayed up until 1:30 am doing homework for three nights in a row. Waking up at 8 am each day. In fact, yesterday, from the moment I woke up at 8 am, until the time I finished my homework at 1:30, I worked nonstop, I had no time for recreation, I didn't even get to play my guitar. It was a straight up 17 and a half hour work day for me.

I just want it to end. I can't think of a good thing to live for. If it's going to be like this for the rest of my life, then I don't want a "rest of my life." And does anybody even care? no. I could of some people that might care. Oh, no wait, I forgot, my best friend stole my girlfriend from me. Do I hate them both for it? Of course. But can I get through a single night without thinking about her? no. Does anybody care? Do some people on a guitar message board that I've never met before care? probably not.

I've felt that same way countless times. But the thing is, if you kill yourself you'll never know what could have happened. At any time things can turn around for you. I don't know you, I've never met you, but I took the 15 minutes to read your post and respond to it. I care at least that much. Every body has problems at times. Sometimes it seems like too much to handle. But it never is. Stuff gets better.

I've been there myself. Then i realized something. Anyone who is successful can go back to a point in thier life where they had to struggle to keep up. They all had a point where it seemed like they couldn't go on. They fought through it and made something of themselves. I like the way things are going for me now. Someday you'll look back on this time and tell yourself "If it wasn't for all that hell back then, I wouldn't be the happy successful person I am today." Think about it.

6strngs (man, it's times like these that I wish I knew your first name), I have anxiety-related depression, and I know I'm definitely not the only one - about 15% of all people our age are going through what you're going through. There have certainly been times when I've wished I could just die - it may sound hard to believe, but I know exactly how you feel. I'm not the most sensitive monkey in the jungle, and I don't have a psychiatrist's qualifications, but I do know that suicidal thoughts arise when the pain you experience gets too intense for you. When you wish to kill yourself, you are seeking relief from this pain - but remember, relief is a feeling, and you don't feel anything when you're dead.

Does anybody care? This probably means nothing to you, but I'd f**king care. I've never met you in my life, probably never will, and have only communicated with you over this message board, but you still manage to strike me as being a great guy. I'd miss you if you went - think about how your loved ones would feel. Think about what everybody on this board has said to you tonight. I don't know if you're religious or not, so I won't browbeat you about facing God, but once you're gone, you don't come back. So stay. Please.

It's not going to be like this for the rest of your life. You're in college, right? As soon as you graduate and get a good job you won't have to keep anything from the life you're living now. If all else fails you could always try a branch of our armed forces. Chicks dig muscular dudes in uniform and most major industries in the United States give job applications from veterans special consideration.

You'll forget about your old girlfriend. In time you won't even remember what it felt like to care for her. Porn helps expediate the process, but stress and sleep deprivation slow it down. Try to find some way to relax.

Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrsI can't stop thinking about how much I seriously want to commit suicide right now.

Hey fella. If life was all plain sailing, then life wouldn't be worth living. Your problems are simply life my friend. At Christmas, I was running my own business, a pub (you may say bar) after quitting music at 40. I often worked 70 hours a week, and didn't retire from music a rich man by any means.
After saving for months for christmas, hoping it would be a good one for the kids, I was robbed on Dec 23rd. They got in through some upstairs patio doors, and took EVERYTHING I had. As all of our money was in there too, we were left broke.
Not long after that, I quit the business (it was killing me anyway) and I wondered what I'd do next. My girl assured me 'something would come up, soon as people know you're available for work') but I felt very low. I spent Christmas with my head in my hands, which isn't like me at all!

After the holidays, I got myself out there, in touch with the world again, and as a result I am now gigging 4 or 5 times a week again. I actually did 5 gigs last week, between Friday and Sunday alone. Although I said I wouldn't take on too much work, but I find it hard to turn down, as we all need cash.
What I am saying is, you never know what's around the corner. I take it from you posting here you're a guitarist? Take out your frustrations by learning new stuff and really throwing yourself into it. The best way to get back at your 'friend' and your ex-girl, is to get out there and show them you're the man. Not show them you're a loser, ready to give up because you gotta pick a few bottles up, and collect some shopping carts.
Get with the program buddy. Get mad by all means, but learn from the crappy part of your life, get out there and better yourself, and each time you feel yourself not wanting to keep plugging away, just think of those damn shopping carts and your manager, that will spur you on.

Life is always worth living. Some people out there today have no choice, but to die (my friend found out about cancer, six weeks later - dead!) but you have that choice. Use this as a lesson. I had perhaps the worst start in life anyone could possibly have. I had no dad, a mother I barely saw, I basically lived on the streets. As I had no good clothes, I was the butt of all the cruel jokes you can think of from local kids. I had no money, friends, family or clothes, but I did have AMBITION. That costs nothing.
As soon as I got my first guitar, I literally played til I bled. That one was smashed as I walked along the street, by the local bad boys, so I went out all day, every day, doing gardens, cleaning cars, washing windows, until I eventually (took a while too) had enough for another guitar.

By the time I was 17 I had already toured with a band I had only been watching on TV a year before. You have to believe in you, then others will too, and once you get a name for yourself, it stays with you, but you gotta work at it. Life will NOT COME TO YOU. You got to go and get it. I had a lot of luck, and that guitar took me around the world a few times, playing with, and meeting people I'd never have dreamed of meeting (even rock stars are just regular guys, believe me) and I even made money too! I have a gorgeous wife, who's 22. (Hey it doesn't bother Rod Stewart or Paul MacCartney, so it don't bother Gad!) I didn't wind up with a mansion, and I still have to go out playing at 45 years old, but at least I'm doing something I love doing, and so could you!
The time you spent telling strangers you were suicidal (you are not, if you were you'd have just done it, as my cousin Keith did. He told no one and seemed fine that day.) you would not have told us guys all about it. Also, you could have used that time to do something that would help you.

As it happens I have a track I wrote a while ago, about a guy I used to be in a band with. He let life get him down, and he went from being one of the best keyboard players in the busines, to an alcoholic - despite my efforts to save him. Coincidentally, its called "Mr. Suicide" and guess what, a canadian record company want to release it on a compilation album! Go listen to his story on my site, and learn from it.
If your post has served any purpose at all, it will hopefully make you realise that there is not just YOU out there with a lousy job. Those of us who do manage to make a living from doing what we love, are in the minority. I still have problems too, and still owe money I should have paid at Christmas, with the cash that got stolen. Luckily, Juliet is the kind of girl who refuses to let life get to her, and I have learned a lot from her, even a woman of her tender years. If I look depressed, she snaps me out of it.

At time of writing, it is about minus 5 below freezing, here in the UK. At 7pm tomight, I will be peering through a hole in the ice, as I drive to my first gig. I will then spend an hour hauling speaker cabs, amps and guitars up stairs, and down passageways (I can't afford help) but at least I'm 'out there'! You have a brain, you have hands, you (probably) have a guitar. Go use them all -together. I doesn't matter if you're fat, ugly or have three heads. If you really want it, its there waiting for you, but I say again, it will NOT come to you. If my tone seems angry, then I'm sorry, but I don't 'do' defeatism. And if my ten minutes worth of lecturing you doesn't make you get up and get something done, then maybe you are just a lost cause. I really hope not. Keep us posted will you?
Regards
Steve Gad.
http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=56949529

(Go check it out)

Originally Posted by: magicninjaI've been there myself. Then i realized something. Anyone who is successful can go back to a point in thier life where they had to struggle to keep up. They all had a point where it seemed like they couldn't go on. They fought through it and made something of themselves. I like the way things are going for me now. Someday you'll look back on this time and tell yourself "If it wasn't for all that hell back then, I wouldn't be the happy successful person I am today." Think about it.

There you go, my friend here just said it all. Listen to him!

how old are you again 6strngs?

I think being low like that helps us appreciate the good times more.

My marriage councillor described it to me like this.... She said say life is a straight line and occassionally you have a really low dip - which would be a really depressed time and then you would have a huge spike - which would be the opposite - a really happy time. Its not realistic to expect that you are going to have your entire life in the really high spots, and its not realistic to think that you wont have any low ones.... She said if you wanted a life with no low times - I would have to give up the really good ones too - and just have a mediocre life with no ups or downs just there.....and once I thought about it that way - I took the crap with good.

I have been where you are - thinking that you just don't want to feel like this anymore - you just want to make it stop - somehow... Once I felt like that - that is when I went to see my Doctor. A very good friend of mine was in the middle of a divorce and depression made him snap - he took not only his own life but his infant son as well. It really freaked me out how powerful depression is (i knew this guy for years - he was the nicest guy..) but what he did was unforgivable. If you feel like you can't go on - please please go see a Doctor.... You are young and so full of potential to take you life anywhere you want to.

I was on Anti-depressants for two years - and when I finally came off of them - it was like being set free....Wonderful. That's when I got my tattoo - the one in my Avatar... I just had to express how I felt - so I would never forget that feeling....

Being young is hard - too much to learn and experience - and really just left to figure it all out on your own. It may not seem like it right now - but you are worth it and there are many people who love and care for you.

Dude, all the problems you're dealing with are completely normal. Everyone has a time like that in their life, and if I'm not mistaken you're relatively young (16 I think?), so you've got your whole life ahead of you. If you're contemplating suicide with what you've got going on right now then the probability is that it will be amplified unless you learn how to handle and regulate things like this. And again, everyone goes through this type of thing. That's exactly how you learn to handle things like that. It's just life. Everyone gets **** on at some point in their life. I don't claim to have had the worst life experiences. My childhood's not exactly a Disney movie, but a guy I know has had a history that makes my life look like a Carribean cruise. And if you knew what he went through those broken bottles and crappy hours wouldn't seem so harsh after all. And if I sound like a jerk, please understand it's not my intent. You're at a period in life that more people than you know are/have/will go through in their life as well. You just don't hear about it because a lot of them keep it to themselves. It's life and there is a way out. But here's the thing. If you kill yourself then you cut everything short and knowing as little about the future as we all do, you have no idea what kinds of things you could miss out on. In the grand scheme of things, the Earth has been around way longer than anything that we can comprehend, and as people the Earth will last longer than we as a race will. So we're here, right now and when we're gone, nothing will really matter. So you've basically got three options.

1. Make the best of it and enjoy it while it lasts
2. Live in misery
3. Don't live

welcome to the suck, dude. ive had to work, go to high school and college at the same time, make room for my evolving band that im putting tons of effort into, spending time with my girlfriend, and having to deal with DAILY **** from my fifteen-year old brother that, for some odd reason, thinks its perfectly okay to mess up our family and waste the little money we have on juvinal hall fees and lawyers. so much stress sometiems i just want to shut down, but you gotta keep going man. its no biggie in the long run. i consider myself a pretty indipendent person, and that makes it harder because not relying on people can cause so many more problems when you could be having an easier time with someone helping out. look at it like this. when youre twenty-something and youve had to deal with the hectic life of school to college to studying to sleep and repeat, you now have higher tolerances for the crap later on. so when you see people going crazy becuase they have so much "work" to do, you can laugh becuase the **** you handled when you where a TEENAGER was harder than that crap. gotta put it in perspective. i went to bootcamp for a few months with some marine DI's, and if that doesnt make you love having youre freedom then nothing will. now when people bitch about being so oppressed by their parents or teachers or bosses, i just kindof have to crack a grin and go "you dont even know, dude." its a good position to be in, even though it doesnt seem like it now.

all i can say is that...i am really envious towards all of you...the majority of you guys have been out there in early age looking for jobs, financing yourselves and stuff... i have never had the priveledge of doing that... lucky or not its your call... but i have always wanted to be more independant... imfreakin 19 yrs old and i have yet to work for my own money... how is that comparible towards you? you have reached an amazing achievement i feel... and im really jealous and envious of that... my turn is coming and im freakin out i tell you...i really wish that i had such experiecne way longer than this... but unfortunately.... never had the chance... never had the guts.... i was kinda pampered and all that and i reckon it sucks to be so... cos you dontlearn anything... wat ur going thru could be the hardest thing u'd ever go thru in your entire life... after listening to my dads life story couple of months ago...it opened me up... he had to hitch hike arnd the country looking for small jobs to feed himself... and the pay was crap back then in the earlier days....

my point is perhaps its hard now... and you feel like crap of all crap... as a friend and fellow guitarist... all i can say is... be strong... no matter how crappy you'd feel... its worth the effort you put in now... and one day when you're much older... you might look back and laugh abt this incident...

cheers mate...
josh

None of us want to see you die, man. You're a good guy. I think just talking to someone will make you feel a little better in times like this; that's what the foum is for. We're all willing to listen and help you any way we can.

6....man, just when you think life is going to get better. Sometimes it does and sometimes it gets worse. My best advice is to find another job that will give you better hours. Don't kill yourself, this will hinder your job finding possibilities. Even though we have only talked here on GT, you are still my friend. You are a good dude, and you have alot going for you. You've got a car. You've got a sweet axe. You're employed. That's more than alot of people can say. Sure your buddy stole your girl. Oh well, you'll meet so many girls in the next five to ten years of your life man you won't even remember that bitc*es name. Cheer up bud, things will get better for you man.

hey, I'm alive, in case anyone was wondering. I too consider myslef extremely independent. This forum is the only place I open up. Perhaps I find it easier to just tell it all to people I've never met before. If you asked anyone that knew me personally, they would never be able to guess how I feel. I keep it bottled up inside.

Hammurabi was right, porn helps. :cool: and so did a good night's sleep last night. I'm feeling alot better today, though not quite 100%. I'm really dreading going to work today, in less then an hour and a half. I don't know if they're going to fire me or what. If they do, I suppose it's not the end of the world, perhaps my parents will even take sympathy on me, and give me a few weeks where I won't need to make car payments. I think not having to work for a while would be great in helping get the stress out. And then starting at a new job may be a kind of exciting, if I can find one that pays as well.

If I do see that same manager today, I think I will try and apologize, I'm not going to make my exuses, though they be many, she's the boss, I'm not, I shouldn't have said anything to her.

Thank you for all your encouraging words guys, they really do help more then you'd think. I must not have been in a right state of mind last night, I really don't want to commit suicide. I'm just fed up, and maybe a new job is just what I need.

My name is Nathan, and I'm 16 by the way, for those that keep asking.

Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrshey, I'm alive, in case anyone was wondering. I too consider myslef extremely independent. This forum is the only place I open up. Perhaps I find it easier to just tell it all to people I've never met before. If you asked anyone that knew me personally, they would never be able to guess how I feel. I keep it bottled up inside.

Hammurabi was right, porn helps. :cool: and so did a good night's sleep last night. I'm feeling alot better today, though not quite 100%. I'm really dreading going to work today, in less then an hour and a half. I don't know if they're going to fire me or what. If they do, I suppose it's not the end of the world, perhaps my parents will even take sympathy on me, and give me a few weeks where I won't need to make car payments. I think not having to work for a while would be great in helping get the stress out. And then starting at a new job may be a kind of exciting, if I can find one that pays as well.

If I do see that same manager today, I think I will try and apologize, I'm not going to make my exuses, though they be many, she's the boss, I'm not, I shouldn't have said anything to her.

Thank you for all your encouraging words guys, they really do help more then you'd think. I must not have been in a right state of mind last night, I really don't want to commit suicide. I'm just fed up, and maybe a new job is just what I need.

My name is Nathan, and I'm 16 by the way, for those that keep asking.

Tis how we all grow, laddie. You're a young 'n, so you're bound to have times like this. Fortunately, you're young so you've got plenty of time to sort things out.

I'm glad to hear that you are still with us.....I am a firm believer that if you wait everything will work out in the end. Probably for the better.

Hang in there - good things will happen.

Nat man, glad to hear your felling better. You should try talking to your manager about your hours. Mention how your trying to pay for college and a car and who knows, she might understand. If all else fails and you really need the hours, pickup the newspaper and see whats open for game.

Nate, may I just say that killing yourself will only hurt others and end any chance of this ever being turned around. But hey, I'm glad you're feeling better now, like you said, a good night's sleep works pretty well.

right so, here's the deal, I go to work, and that manager isn't there, so I'm like "ok, I'll just deal with it later." later, she comes in, pulls me aside, and we have a talk for a few minutes. I apologize, and she says she was being a little harsh. in the end, we decide we were just both having a really bad night. hopefully it's going to be alright now. though a part of me still kinda wants to quit, and see what else is out there for me, something a little better then this. now I've got an advantage though, in that I can look for a new job while I still have this one.

also, this chick from work really wanted me to take her shift tomorrow. and I really didn't want it, I hate working saturdays, it's always so busy. But I just couldn't say no to her gorgeous brown eyes... so I've got 8 more hours now too.

I was having some real mood swings last night when I typed this.. that happens to me when I haven't wanked off for a while.. so the porn really did help! :cool: I think it keeps my hormones steady or something.. who knows

thanks again for the encouraging word though.