My sad story id like to share


caponi14
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Joined: 09/29/08
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caponi14
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Joined: 09/29/08
Posts: 369
06/16/2016 11:26 am
Hello guitartricks,

If you don't know already and remember me, my name is Casper, im 24 years old now. I live with my girlfriend in our own small apartment now.


It's been so long since i wrote something in here, that i can barely remember what the current talks and stuff, was about back then. I see the site changed alot. It looks very professional, congrats on that!
I would like to tell you a story about me, and about some aspects in my life, that just tears, and destroys my life day by day.
I don't practice nearly as much as i used to do, and i like to think it's because i started back in school, educating myself to become an IT professional supporter.
In the beginning When I started in school back in August 2015, my life turned upside down. (I was not doing anything before this time, and i lived of my caring parents). I went spiralling down, and i had to go to the doctor because I had serious thoughts of suicide, and i could not stop crying for days straight. I was adviced to tell the school, that i could only come 3 days, out of the 5 day scheduled week. I was also put on anxiety and depression medication, and after some weeks it stabled me out. From this point I kinda saw everything in grey, and i still do to this day. I just don't really care anymore.... I have been examined thoroughly by professional psychiatrists, and they eventually diagnosed me with 3 different kinds of personality disorders. Dyssocial, evasive, and depressed personality disorder, and i scored high on a few more traits aswell. After i got the diagnoses i kinda felt a bit of relief, because i could maybe now pin some of all my problems, on those disorders. But does that really help me in the end? No.... Not really... It only makes my life worse, since there is not really a cure for an abnormal developed brain. Thats the medical part, now back to the story.
I eventually meet some classmates that i resonated a bit with, and they have become decent friends of mine.
We finished the first intruduction semester together, and my situation seemed kinda stable.
Then came the practical part of the education where im at now, on the school. I have been here for 4 months. All my friends are now scattered all over the country, cause they got jobs linked to the education, and im now here alone. In the beginning they were here with me, cause they could not find jobs like the rest of us. But slowly the jobs started coming to them, and they all left the school one by one, and at this point i am the only one left. I can't work for 37 + hours per weeks... Nobody considers me valuable when my brain is handicapped like this. And when i have to tell them, it scares them away..
I simply can't work and be away from home that much, without landing right back in my ditch of depression, sorrow, and thoughts of leaving this life. I think about it alot.
Im at this point now. I hate it all. I have zero motivation, and totally lost all interest in the education, and im seeing everything in grey. To me stuff just don't matter anymore.
This is also very hard on my girlfriend, seeing me in so much pain day in and day out. She supports me alot, and i can talk about these things with her. But she has told me several times as of the last couple of months, that she is almost ready to give up. It's too hard on her and she actually admitted that it's alot easier to not be around me. She say's she loves me, despise of all this negativity. It's really hard on her aswell....

The only thing i can think of, bouncing a bit back from all this, is my guitar playing.
But my motivation and dedication to this, has taken a pretty severe hit aswell. I would really like to begin playing more again, but i just can't find the last bit of energy to begin?
And also i can't live off of music, unless i become like super famous or something, which alot of people don't get.
I have started a band with my cousins, 2 acoustic guitars and a cahon (you know the acoustic drum thing) and we are planning on playing small clubs, and stuff, when we reach the point of being ready for that, repertoire and all that.
Also im looking for band mates that plays the kind of hard rock music im mostly into. I want to make my own music, and i believe that im good enough for that now. But finding the right musicians has seemed to be a hard and long process, and i have experienced disappointment and breakups every single time i had a full lineup. Either personally or musically...

Im sorry for the long post, I just felt like I had to tell someone. If you have anything to say, or advice me to do, please do so.

Thank you for coming this far

Casper
# 1
Guitar Tricks Admin
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Guitar Tricks Admin
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06/16/2016 4:11 pm
Hi Casper! We are happy to have you with us!

I'm sorry for your struggle. Music is a great way to cope and allows you to focus your creativity on something positive that moves you. I think it would be a great idea for you to connect with some of our members.

Our members are supportive and love to give tips. Every guitar player experiences a lack of motivation from time to time. It's important to build a support system. This is a great place to do so! You may find other members who have had similar life experiences here as well.

I hope to see you around in the forum and look forward to hearing about your progress. Thank you for joining us.
If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, please contact us.
# 2
eransh10
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eransh10
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06/16/2016 7:41 pm
Hi Casper,
I' also an IT professional and my only tip for you would be this:
When you are interviewing for a job - NEVER tell about your mental problems or issues. Always focus on positive. Entry level positions in IT are not hard to find if you know how to look and interview for them.
I suggest you find someone that can help you with interviewing skills - start by reading this book here:
https://www.amazon.com/Headhunter-Hiring-Secrets-2-0-Career/dp/1519631049/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1466105907&sr=8-1&keywords=headhunter+hiring+secrets

Now as for guitar - for myself it calms me down and makes me happy, so I suggest you play as much as you can. Don't build on making a career out of that - I know of plenty starving musicians but not so many starving IT professionals.
Just my 2 cents.

Take care,
Eran.
# 3
link4g
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link4g
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06/17/2016 6:03 am
Hey Casper... I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I've had a lot of struggles like that too... Including, embarrassingly enough, but I think it might help you to know about my struggles.. Some suicide/near suicide attempts, and many thoughts like that. What do you need? I desperately want you to make it through life.. I know how dim and grey the world is, but I hope dearly that you can make it through.

I'm Chris, I'll be your friend if you need me.
# 4
JeffS65
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JeffS65
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06/18/2016 4:46 pm
Hello my friend,

Yes it has been a while since we've heard from you. As I read your thoughts, I can see that the events of your life have been tough. I may take a moment to tell a little about myself...in a way. Not sure if it helps but worth sharing.

I was widowed in 2008. I actually signed up for GT before that because my late wife wanted to learn how to play guitar. This is where the 'story' breaks off in to two pieces.

My piece; being widowed. After my wife died, i went to years of counseling. Years. I cannot imagine many things that could be harder than losing your spouse unexpectedly. There is a study that actually points out that one of the top most stressful life events is losing a loved spouse. I can attest to that. The point really; of course I did not want to at all, play guitar. Zero. Nothin'. Not gonna do it. Looking at my guitars was a sad experience because I wanted nothing to do with them. Grieving depression is a big, fat drag, to say the least.

Did anything happen that made me return? Yes. Time passed. I do understand that with a diagnosis, this is not the same for you. That being said, my want to play did come back. Time can help heal and you should allow that it may come back for you. Time will tell that. I had also learned that I had a purpose to play. I now play bass (yes, bass) for my church band. I wasn't much religious before my wife died and really would still not be so but I did get remarried and my wife now led to being a church member....with an awesome pastor that also plays bass! So, time my give you a purpose to play.

The second piece; my late wife. I know you called your brain defective. I'm not sure if I was say the same. My late wife had Panic Anxiety Disorder (PAD). Many people think that when you suffer from PAD, you just need to 'get over it'. Nope. Not true. I fully believe that people who have anxiety and depression do have a biological root the issue. My wife, who was very good at staying on her medicines and going to counseling, found a good place. At one point, before I met her...Things were bad. She was, as it is called, agoraphobia, fear of going outside. It can be an outgrowth of anxiety but is part of not keeping with things like medications and counseling.

What I learned from this amazing woman is that you can find a place where life is ok. She found that, then met me and we had an amazing marriage. Amazing. We were happy.

In the end, she had a few rare medical conditions and we had to spend lots of time seeing doctors and all that kind of stuff.

This all sounds very sad, but it isn't. After time, I was able to find a place I could deal with life after becoming widowed. You never, ever get over it. You learn how to live with it. In a way, I will always be defective. My late wife also found a way to live with her circumstances and we found happiness. It wasn't a magic trick. It was time and dedication to doing the right thing. Me, going to counseling to get where I'm at. Her, focus on the physical, medical and phycological aspects of PAD.

I never ask myself if I can get back to before my wife died. I can. Heck, William Shatner (Capt Kirk) said of being widowed and if he grieves, his answer was 'Every day'. That's the being and very freeing. We can't turn back the clock but we can go forward. Even when things are perfect...and they never are, time can be your ally.

Had I not allowed that, I would have never been able to see Tedeschi Trucks (awesome!) from the front row a night ago.

I let things come back and they did. I just didn't force it.

I don't know if the helps but I home with some of these thoughts, you get the idea that life isn't perfect but 'better' is achievable.
# 5
caponi14
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caponi14
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06/18/2016 6:03 pm
Hello Jeff, and you others.

Thank you for replying to me. At the moment things are horrible... And i have yet to find a way and balance in life that i can live with. Some day i might, who knows...

Jeff im so sorry for the loss of your wife. She sounded like a wonderful woman. I hope things are going good for you, now that you are remarried. Beautiful melancholic story really.
# 6
pattyb5
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pattyb5
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06/20/2016 3:56 pm
Dude...just hang in there. I've found that life is really so short it isn't worth thinking negative thoughts. You'll get over this valley and it'll get better.
# 7
bluesfan6
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bluesfan6
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07/16/2016 4:01 pm

Casper I hope things are getting better for you lately. How are you coming along with your guitar studies? Indeed, finding a passion or love for music can surely help stay focused and finding new meaning in life.
# 8
linda p
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linda p
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07/21/2016 2:28 am
When I read your note my heart broke for you, I hope your getting the help you need. We have all been there CASPER but don't give up, life is worth living. I to have problems ,not exactly like yours but I have a learning disability so making the guitar work for me is such a challgene. I'm getting tested in late August for this an hoping against hope they can find something to help me. It takes me so much time to learn a song ,I get so frustrated. When it's a mental thing or brain not wking right you really feel stuck.I know what your going thru because with that comes the depression, frustration an the hopelessness. Don't give up,don't ever give up. Please feel free to message me, we can share our pain in the butt situation.
As far as getting a band together . You know how mucisians are the most undependable people I have ever meant. They have their own idea's ,their always right blah blah blah. Ya got to take it with a grain of salt. Aot of them are idiots, I've meant several,some aren't so bad but don't beat yourself up over that. My best to you KEEP PICKIN lindap
# 9
dan.lovell
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dan.lovell
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09/19/2016 3:19 pm
Caponi14, I shared many of your issues back in my 20s through 40s, and I'll not share the specifics here but trust me, I know a bit of what you write of. I'm 56 now and loving life, awesome wife, grandchildren, exceedingly happy I am! You can be too!

The thing is, things CAN get better. The secret is to accentuate the positives in your life, even if you think you may only have one. Ninety percent of digging out of a chronic funk is attitude. Have an attitude of a brighter day is coming, and fake it until you really feel it.

Filter your environment. Remove toxic people from your life. Remove toxic habits, toxic places. Often it is our friends that actually keep us emotionally crippled, even if they do not intend that to happen. Misery loves company, so try to surround yourself with upbeat positive people, and minimize times of idleness, and using sleep as an escape.

Grab life by the balls and know in your heart of hearts that you will get over this thing, and you will be happy again. Part of this is....I dare say....magic....the more you dive into positive thinking, the more positivity comes into your life. I cannot explain how this works, but it does.

Exercise, play the guitar, walk a lot, and run if you can, but walk. Meditate. Eat healthy, study for your career. TAKE THE LONG VIEW...nurture a sense of DELAYED GRATIFICATION, so that you can set reasonable expectations for your life. Unreasonable expectations is a major cause of depression. Be reasonable with yourself, forgive yourself, and love yourself.

Its good you reached out to us. Thats good, but more than that, reach IN...inside of you because at the end of the day, it is you that has to do the hard work, do the deep caring, and find the happy groove.

If I acheived this, you can do I promise.

Please let us know how you're progressing, and you have my prayers, good thoughts, and faith.
# 10
maggior
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maggior
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09/19/2016 5:13 pm

It's been some time since you posted this. I hope you are on the upward swing of things.

The thing that jumps out at me the most is try not to be labelled by your diagnosis...don't let it define you. You are not defective, you are "wired differently". Considering yourself "defective" will leach into all aspects of your life...even the things you enjoy like guitar.

If you want to apply a label to yourself, or define yourself, let it be your music, your guitar playing.

When there are physiological components to something like this, I know you can't just "get over it". However, the power of positive thinking is, well, powerful, and can help overcome the physical.

I think it's great that you are trying to get involved in a band. Linda_p is right that musicians can be a neurotic bunch ZZSmilieZZ. Armed with that knowledge, try not to get caught up in a bad situation and don't let other people bring you down. There are good people out there to work with...you just have to find them.

If you are involved with a church, you might consider getting involved with their music program. I play in our church choir and it is VERY uplifting.

You are smart to try to pursue a career rather than make music your career...so few really make it, lots of starving musicians. At the same time, don't lose your music...it can be a tool to lift you out of your dark place and help keep you out. You clearly have something to say in your music...indulge that, don't deny people of hearing that, don't deny yourself.

# 11
derekrob
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derekrob
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09/26/2016 11:10 pm

Hi Caponi
i'm not in your shoes and never have been,but my son who is 24 has mental health issues and over the past 2 months has tried to take his own life on numerous occassions,I don't understand why he wants to do this but your description of everything being grey is not something I have come across in talking to him,he just wants to stop being in this life,although in my opinion he has so much to live for if he could apply his self and focus on all that is good in his life which I try to do every day,never less all my encouragement on his guitar playing skills among other skills that he possesses fall on deaf ears it seems.
i don't know how to get through to him,that I don't want to find him dead and I fear that I will find him dead,it is not something that a parent wants to go through.
please find it in yourself to seek help wherever you can find it,I can't make my son go to doctors or health professionals all I can do as a parent is try to guide my son to be the person I know he can be with what help we as a family provide but it is up to the individual to take the help that is being offered.
please take any help that is offered to you and find peace for yourself
derek r


# 12
stevenbenfield
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stevenbenfield
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09/29/2016 3:44 pm

Heya Casper,

I'm sorry that everything went that way, I myself suffered from severe depression, suicidal thoughts, social anxiety and panic, and I know how mental issues can make us feel horrid, most of the time in ways it's difficult or even painful to explain.

I'm 29 now and a year ago my mum died, I was made redundant from the job I was at for 7 years, I was off for 6 months and ended up getting another job where I was effectively bullied and this kicked my anxiety and panic attacks off even worse than last time, I left just a couple of weeks ago as I couldn't take it anymore and need to sort my health out.

When mum passed away the music died for me as she'd always come to listen to me play, and to be honest, I wasn't half bad, I could play Metallicas Fade to Black etc...but since that day i've not been able to pick up any of my guitars, and barely listen to music because I shared so much of it with her.

So anyway, i've started on medication and starting to feel a -little- better, and I've thought I have to get back into this, so I treated myself to a new stratocaster and tried playing the old tracks I used to...and i've basically lost all of my skill and can't remember much theory. So that's why i'm here, to start from the beginning, right from the fundamentals, because I don't want to let my mind take this away from me, I loved music, and I want to love it again and share it with fiancee who's been through hell and back with my problems!

To sum it up, you're not alone, we're not weird, we're not crazy, we're just us. That's how we are and we need to beat it and learn some guitar (again :P)! We can do it, it's going to take time and patience, but we'll get there.

Hope you're doing ok, and keep playing ZZSmilieZZ
# 13
macRocker
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macRocker
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09/29/2016 10:55 pm

Hello Casper, Sorry you are having a hard time, but things will get better one day at a time, you hang in there concentrate on positive things. I beat cancer and just had open heart surgery..the one thing we all have in common her is our love of guitar. Guitar got me through cancer as it is getting me through my recovery with my heart surgery. Keep playing guitar, music is a powerful healer.
# 14

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