Yes it has been a while since we've heard from you. As I read your thoughts, I can see that the events of your life have been tough. I may take a moment to tell a little about myself...in a way. Not sure if it helps but worth sharing.
I was widowed in 2008. I actually signed up for GT before that because my late wife wanted to learn how to play guitar. This is where the 'story' breaks off in to two pieces.
My piece; being widowed. After my wife died, i went to years of counseling. Years. I cannot imagine many things that could be harder than losing your spouse unexpectedly. There is a study that actually points out that one of the top most stressful life events is losing a loved spouse. I can attest to that. The point really; of course I did not want to at all, play guitar. Zero. Nothin'. Not gonna do it. Looking at my guitars was a sad experience because I wanted nothing to do with them. Grieving depression is a big, fat drag, to say the least.
Did anything happen that made me return? Yes. Time passed. I do understand that with a diagnosis, this is not the same for you. That being said, my want to play did come back. Time can help heal and you should allow that it may come back for you. Time will tell that. I had also learned that I had a purpose to play. I now play bass (yes, bass) for my church band. I wasn't much religious before my wife died and really would still not be so but I did get remarried and my wife now led to being a church member....with an awesome pastor that also plays bass! So, time my give you a purpose to play.
The second piece; my late wife. I know you called your brain defective. I'm not sure if I was say the same. My late wife had Panic Anxiety Disorder (PAD). Many people think that when you suffer from PAD, you just need to 'get over it'. Nope. Not true. I fully believe that people who have anxiety and depression do have a biological root the issue. My wife, who was very good at staying on her medicines and going to counseling, found a good place. At one point, before I met her...Things were bad. She was, as it is called, agoraphobia, fear of going outside. It can be an outgrowth of anxiety but is part of not keeping with things like medications and counseling.
What I learned from this amazing woman is that you can find a place where life is ok. She found that, then met me and we had an amazing marriage. Amazing. We were happy.
In the end, she had a few rare medical conditions and we had to spend lots of time seeing doctors and all that kind of stuff.
This all sounds very sad, but it isn't. After time, I was able to find a place I could deal with life after becoming widowed. You never, ever get over it. You learn how to live with it. In a way, I will always be defective. My late wife also found a way to live with her circumstances and we found happiness. It wasn't a magic trick. It was time and dedication to doing the right thing. Me, going to counseling to get where I'm at. Her, focus on the physical, medical and phycological aspects of PAD.
I never ask myself if I can get back to before my wife died. I can. Heck, William Shatner (Capt Kirk) said of being widowed and if he grieves, his answer was 'Every day'. That's the being and very freeing. We can't turn back the clock but we can go forward. Even when things are perfect...and they never are, time can be your ally.
Had I not allowed that, I would have never been able to see Tedeschi Trucks (awesome!) from the front row a night ago.
I let things come back and they did. I just didn't force it.
I don't know if the helps but I home with some of these thoughts, you get the idea that life isn't perfect but 'better' is achievable.
