If you don't know already and remember me, my name is Casper, im 24 years old now. I live with my girlfriend in our own small apartment now.
It's been so long since i wrote something in here, that i can barely remember what the current talks and stuff, was about back then. I see the site changed alot. It looks very professional, congrats on that!
I would like to tell you a story about me, and about some aspects in my life, that just tears, and destroys my life day by day.
I don't practice nearly as much as i used to do, and i like to think it's because i started back in school, educating myself to become an IT professional supporter.
In the beginning When I started in school back in August 2015, my life turned upside down. (I was not doing anything before this time, and i lived of my caring parents). I went spiralling down, and i had to go to the doctor because I had serious thoughts of suicide, and i could not stop crying for days straight. I was adviced to tell the school, that i could only come 3 days, out of the 5 day scheduled week. I was also put on anxiety and depression medication, and after some weeks it stabled me out. From this point I kinda saw everything in grey, and i still do to this day. I just don't really care anymore.... I have been examined thoroughly by professional psychiatrists, and they eventually diagnosed me with 3 different kinds of personality disorders. Dyssocial, evasive, and depressed personality disorder, and i scored high on a few more traits aswell. After i got the diagnoses i kinda felt a bit of relief, because i could maybe now pin some of all my problems, on those disorders. But does that really help me in the end? No.... Not really... It only makes my life worse, since there is not really a cure for an abnormal developed brain. Thats the medical part, now back to the story.
I eventually meet some classmates that i resonated a bit with, and they have become decent friends of mine.
We finished the first intruduction semester together, and my situation seemed kinda stable.
Then came the practical part of the education where im at now, on the school. I have been here for 4 months. All my friends are now scattered all over the country, cause they got jobs linked to the education, and im now here alone. In the beginning they were here with me, cause they could not find jobs like the rest of us. But slowly the jobs started coming to them, and they all left the school one by one, and at this point i am the only one left. I can't work for 37 + hours per weeks... Nobody considers me valuable when my brain is handicapped like this. And when i have to tell them, it scares them away..
I simply can't work and be away from home that much, without landing right back in my ditch of depression, sorrow, and thoughts of leaving this life. I think about it alot.
Im at this point now. I hate it all. I have zero motivation, and totally lost all interest in the education, and im seeing everything in grey. To me stuff just don't matter anymore.
This is also very hard on my girlfriend, seeing me in so much pain day in and day out. She supports me alot, and i can talk about these things with her. But she has told me several times as of the last couple of months, that she is almost ready to give up. It's too hard on her and she actually admitted that it's alot easier to not be around me. She say's she loves me, despise of all this negativity. It's really hard on her aswell....
The only thing i can think of, bouncing a bit back from all this, is my guitar playing.
But my motivation and dedication to this, has taken a pretty severe hit aswell. I would really like to begin playing more again, but i just can't find the last bit of energy to begin?
And also i can't live off of music, unless i become like super famous or something, which alot of people don't get.
I have started a band with my cousins, 2 acoustic guitars and a cahon (you know the acoustic drum thing) and we are planning on playing small clubs, and stuff, when we reach the point of being ready for that, repertoire and all that.
Also im looking for band mates that plays the kind of hard rock music im mostly into. I want to make my own music, and i believe that im good enough for that now. But finding the right musicians has seemed to be a hard and long process, and i have experienced disappointment and breakups every single time i had a full lineup. Either personally or musically...
Im sorry for the long post, I just felt like I had to tell someone. If you have anything to say, or advice me to do, please do so.
Thank you for coming this far
Casper
