Most Tragic News Ever

I know a little pain and crying is better for me than holding it all in but still you know? I think about him constantly. Every few minutes. It's not always sad and most times I'll smile as I remember his sweet little face or his piercing lamb-like cry but once in a while the pain is too much and I have to just break down and sob. Thanks for being here guys. This thread will be revived from time to time. Mostly on the worst days I have. His birthday and other important dates. I suppose these few days were particularly difficult because of it being Father's Day and all.

Man, you've been doing so well and were all so proud of you. I know this probably doesn't mean anything but, If you're ever having a bad day you know where I am...Hope I don't sound patronising (sp?)
We're all rooting for you. :)

You know i will. Thanks everyone.

Got to thinking about my little guy alot again this morning. :( Mostly because of a post i ran into in that My betsy is worth thread. These days i barely feel like the last year even happened. My wife being pregnant and him being here. It almost seems like a surreal dream or something. I've had horrendous nightmares which i don't even wanna go into detail about. I still haven't had a good dream with him in it though and it's somewhat troubling. Maybe I'm just hoping for too much in that respect. I find myself starting to worry about my older son alot even though I told myself I wouldn't. It's a horrible paranoia to have in the first place much less after a tragedy as this. My thoughts revert to where is my son? What is he doing? Is he ok? if he's not with us for more than an hour. It's quite bothersome and it's not how I want to live for the next 50 years. I'll work it out one way or another. Talking about it is a good start I suppose. I'm gonna have to if my poor son and any future children are going to be allowed a proper childhood.

Can't dwell on the negatives mate, that way madness lies !

keep on the sunny side, always on the sunny side, keep on the sunny side of life .... etc etc !

Truer words never spoken Doc. If only it were that easy. :(

Chin up mate, just like the good times, the bad times will pass (and heal).

Although it is sometimes by degrees, time heals all things and if nothing else, the pain get less as more time passes !

It is often cold comfort but also true.

Your very right Doc and I can feel how far i've come since that day. The fear of reliving that pain is a constant, biting, barb lodged right in the back of my head and it won't go away. I need to get rid of it for my 4-year olds sake. I want him to be able to go to sleepovers and whatnot without me and my fear of losing him being in the way. I had a feeling this was gonna happen but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like i said in the very early posts in this thread. i didn't want my son's death to change me for the worse. Dammit, what am i to do?

You're looking at how your feelings are likely to affect those around you, instead of doing some kind of 'poor me' self-centered pity trip. That is so positive and healthy!

You can see what needs to be done. Maybe you need to spend some time with a counsellor who can help you focus. No one could expect to be able to handle a loss like yours without support. Maybe both you and your wife could contact a support group. Your pain is very personal, but its not unique. There are others walking the same path that can help you find a way.

Marcos,

I think you just have to let yourself grieve the way you need to. I can't even imagine what you have gone through or are going through. I have lost a parent and I know the process of grieving takes time. It took quite awhile for me to not fear that I would lose other people close to me, and I feel that it would take longer for a child - as we tend to be protective of our children anyway.

I don't think that your fear for your older son is making you a worse person. It hasn't been that long since Fox's death, and you can't hurry up that process of dealing with what happened.

You seem to me that you are very aware how you have changed, and in time, you will let go of those fears. But it does take time. Stop beating yourself up for being human.

From what I know of you, I have seen a good person and definately a good parent. So I think you are doing what you need to do. You just can't hurry that process up...

I've never took much stock in counciling or other such psychotherepy. Seems I can come to you guys and get just as good if not better advice for a far cheaper fee. I know the odds of what happened to Fox were hundreds of thousands to one. I know the odds of something happening to my 4 year old are also remote. It's just not enough for some reason. Maybe with time and the realization that everything will be ok will help me get over this hurdle. I greatly appreciate all of your help. More than you guys will ever know. Thanks.

I was thinking in terms of some support group composed of people dealing with the loss of a child. There are a bunch online, and there might be one based close enough to where you live that you could get some one-on-one face time with others who know more about what you're going through than we ever could.

We're here for you. I worry that I'm a bit out of my depth here, is all.

I understand that part of it. I have done that, it was one of the first things i did. Unfortunatly, I feel horribly out of place because it is ALL women that go there. It seems men are more apt to hold thier pain in and not discuss it. The women there were very kind and understanding but somehow I couldn't do what I'm doing here with them. One thing they did tell me to do was build a website for him. http://jupiter.afmu.com/~mrmj It really did help alot. I thank Eric for helping me with the page. I have some names to add but my idiot brother in law got my laptop a virus that made me start from the factory default. Once i get the webpage editor downloaded again I'll get to it.

magicninia, i have just now seen your post. i am so upset and am crying with you and i so feel your grief and am sharing a micro of your burdon with you. i read where you said you didn't believe in God and although I do believe in him i won't try to make you believe in him so that is not where this is going. but you and I --- we're both [U]people[/U] and if i was in your place i would want some kind of answer... some kind of hope. so what i offer you -- if it is any consolation to your soul and to your wife's soul. there were some people in bible a long time ago who were losing their young men (children) to death and nobody thought to ask WHY? this upset God and he brought it up to them and he said even though you won't ask, I will tell you why.... the young men are taken to SPARE them from the evil that is coming upon the earth. i belive that your baby was spared for whatever reason unbenounced to us... and not ripped from you as a punishment or some horrific mean thing from a God that you cannot even see. my thoughts, prayers and my love are with your family.

I just saw this thread and I'm so sorry. I can't even imagine how devastating this must be. Be strong and hold your family close. In time the pain will lessen.

Nah, you're right about all that stuff. I'm sure I'll get out of this cloud of uneasiness eventually. I know it takes time.

I was looking through the cabinets for something to eat last night and I came across Fox's half empty can of formula. This isn't uncommon for me to do I get into that cabinet a few times everyday. I dunno why this time was different but I broke down and cried and it took me a few minutes to get myself together. I still think about him alot. For some morbid reason I replay the morning he died in my mind more often than I should. What's worse is I remember every detail. I know you guys don't know the whole story of that morning but forgive me I'm still not ready to type it out or even tell people I'm close to. After my little breakdown I went to his site and watched the video. What's great is I can remember without fail alot of the time we spent together as clearly as I remember the day he died. Like the first time I tried to kiss him and he tried to bite my lip off. I went back and searched the threads I had made before he was born. The one where we picked his middle name, the one where I told everyone I was leaving for awhile, when I put his pics up for you guys and finally this one. It was kinda of odd seeing the extremes in emotion from myself and everyone else. I wanna thank you guys for being there with me through the good and the bad.

That's why we're here, man.

It's probably not that uncommon to replay the morning of his death over and over in your head. I replay the worst moments of my life in my head repeatedly too. I think it's just human nature. Better that than forgetting him.

We're always here for you. Even though most (or all) of us haven't met you, we love you.

I love you guys too. I guess a traumatic experience like that isn't something you ever forget.