Your very right Doc and I can feel how far i've come since that day. The fear of reliving that pain is a constant, biting, barb lodged right in the back of my head and it won't go away. I need to get rid of it for my 4-year olds sake. I want him to be able to go to sleepovers and whatnot without me and my fear of losing him being in the way. I had a feeling this was gonna happen but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Like i said in the very early posts in this thread. i didn't want my son's death to change me for the worse. Dammit, what am i to do?