poetry


6strngs_2hmbkrs
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6strngs_2hmbkrs
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12/05/2005 7:41 am
I've tried something different, instead of just writing a song, and being straight to the point with my lyrics, I've written a poem, and I tried using some poem writing techniques I learned in english a couple years back... of course, I was never good with poetry, so let me know how I did, let's see if you can guess what it's about, here it is:

tis biting me with jaws of steel
tis gnawing at my inner being, how I feel
tis cutting me, blood slowly drips
tis calling me, just failing screaming fits

jagged blade so deep
shadows from your eyes
untied from the ones we keep
bringing my demise

pierced through the heart
twas strong on my part
words with lethal capacity
your satisfactory catastrophe

come sunlight onto my bed
bring for I, intrepid
let me set with you
move on, the day is through
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# 1
Jolly McJollyson
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Jolly McJollyson
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12/05/2005 7:58 am
Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrsI've tried something different, instead of just writing a song, and being straight to the point with my lyrics, I've written a poem, and I tried using some poem writing techniques I learned in english a couple years back... of course, I was never good with poetry, so let me know how I did, let's see if you can guess what it's about, here it is:

tis biting me with jaws of steel
tis gnawing at my inner being, how I feel
tis cutting me, blood slowly drips
tis calling me, just failing screaming fits

jagged blade so deep
shadows from your eyes
untied from the ones we keep
bringing my demise

pierced through the heart
twas strong on my part
words with lethal capacity
your satisfactory catastrophe

come sunlight onto my bed
bring for I, intrepid
let me set with you
move on, the day is through

Tepid. Yeats is turning in his grave...

Don't write poetry about break-ups. Unless you have a really astounding inner-ear.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 2
6strngs_2hmbkrs
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6strngs_2hmbkrs
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12/05/2005 4:47 pm
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonTepid. Yates is turning in his grave...

Don't write poetry about break-ups. Unless you have a really astounding inner-ear.

I suck that bad? :(
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# 3
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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12/05/2005 4:57 pm
Not the worst I've ever read. However, knife metaphors in breakup poetry is very clichéd. Also, your meter is inconsistent throughout. To understand what I mean by that, try reading the poem aloud at a steady pace (that is, not clipping endings or prounouncing two syllable words as one syllable).
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
# 4
ericthecableguy
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ericthecableguy
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12/05/2005 8:57 pm
I like it. :)
For life is quite absurd and death's the final word, You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

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# 5
Jolly McJollyson
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12/05/2005 9:36 pm
Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrsI've tried something different, instead of just writing a song, and being straight to the point with my lyrics, I've written a poem, and I tried using some poem writing techniques I learned in english a couple years back... of course, I was never good with poetry, so let me know how I did, let's see if you can guess what it's about, here it is:

tis biting me with jaws of steel
tis gnawing at my inner being, how I feel
tis cutting me, blood slowly drips
tis calling me, just failing screaming fits

jagged blade so deep
shadows from your eyes
untied from the ones we keep
bringing my demise

pierced through the heart
twas strong on my part
words with lethal capacity
your satisfactory catastrophe

come sunlight onto my bed
bring for I, intrepid
let me set with you
move on, the day is through

All right, sorry, I kind of sounded like a dick on the first comment round. I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything, though. As far as poetry goes, it's not something I'd pick up and read at a reading. First of all, don't say "tis." You're not Shakespeare or Chaucer, and you don't have to use Elizabethan English. In fact, it's best to avoid it, it sounds forced and not a little lofty and pretentious. Try to get your rhythm to be more consistent, since your writing in a very rhythmic, structured form, you'll want the rhythm to come easily to the reader. Also, try and be more cadenced with your word choice. Lethal Capacity, for instance, is a well-cadenced phrase with a nice sound for the inner-ear, but satisfactory catastrophy seems bulky and weighed down. Also, what's up with the different rhyming pattern in verse 2? The "Twas" in verse three needs to go. Not to sound like I'm being harsh, but that's not how we speak any more, and if you want to write poetry like Shakespeare, you need an incredible inner-ear so you can pick the best possible words one word at a time, and create the best possible phrases. I don't mind the slant rhyme you have in the first couplet of verse four, but the rhythm throws me off. Also, I know there's poetic license, but "Bring for I" irks the bejeesus out of me. How about "Bring to me?" By the way, when I say "inner-ear," I'm referring to things like "bringing my demise" where you could just as well have said "ushering demise" and given it a better flow. Personally I don't like deathy words in poetry, they seem sappy and overplayed. Were I to write this poem in my own style (as in actually spend time on it...probably a week), I'd free verse something about a laundromat...for some reason I feel like break-up poetry should take place in a laundromat, and somehow tie the routine boredom and monotony to the breakup.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 6
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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12/05/2005 10:04 pm
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonWere I to write this poem in my own style (as in actually spend time on it...probably a week), I'd free verse something about a laundromat...for some reason I feel like break-up poetry should take place in a laundromat, and somehow tie the routine boredom and monotony to the breakup.


Lead in night
at the Laundromat
And I'm staring at
you pulling clothes from a dryer
And I'm wondering
how I got here
Cause it seems somehow
I keep getting stuck in the mire

I needed this
more than I knew
And I let you down
and I said I'm sorry
But the light it falls
on my castle walls
And my basketballs
pelt me with bricks in my dreams

Tonight, well maybe
What you need I hope it finds you (Oh I might)
I might be, well maybe
Maybe some day you'll get it right (Oh I)

If I could bottle my hopes
in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach
and they'd pay the rent
And I'd ride a horse,
and I'd teach a course
On how I got to be
a star crossed pimp

Gonna live forever boy (I might)
Oh you're a clever boy (Maybe)
And no you never said goodnight (Oh I might)

I might, well maybe
What you need I hope it finds you
Are you a clever boy
Gonna live forever boy
Maybe some day you'll get it right (Oh I might)


(Ode To Maybe - Third Eye Blind, Track 7 off of "Blue")
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
# 7
Jolly McJollyson
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12/05/2005 10:11 pm
Originally Posted by: iamthe_eggmanLead in night
at the Laundromat
And I'm staring at
you pulling clothes from a dryer
And I'm wondering
how I got here
Cause it seems somehow
I keep getting stuck in the mire

I needed this
more than I knew
And I let you down
and I said I'm sorry
But the light it falls
on my castle walls
And my basketballs
pelt me with bricks in my dreams

Tonight, well maybe
What you need I hope it finds you (Oh I might)
I might be, well maybe
Maybe some day you'll get it right (Oh I)

If I could bottle my hopes
in a store bought scent
They'd be nutmeg peach
and they'd pay the rent
And I'd ride a horse,
and I'd teach a course
On how I got to be
a star crossed pimp

Gonna live forever boy (I might)
Oh you're a clever boy (Maybe)
And no you never said goodnight (Oh I might)

I might, well maybe
What you need I hope it finds you
Are you a clever boy
Gonna live forever boy
Maybe some day you'll get it right (Oh I might)


(Ode To Maybe - Third Eye Blind, Track 7 off of "Blue")

Guess they beat me to it.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 8
6strngs_2hmbkrs
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6strngs_2hmbkrs
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12/05/2005 11:49 pm
ok, I see the flaws, and appreciate your comment the second time around, the first time, you were just pulling me down, the second time around you provided some constructive criticism, which is what I need.

I did spend maybe 20 minutes on it... not a week... it turns out that my best poems/songs are the ones that I do not try to finish in one sitting. this one just kinda came out, without as much thought as a poem requires. I'm going to try to revise it now, and see if I can make it a little better, then maybe I'll try revising it again at another time, and see if that makes it more acceptable
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# 9
6strngs_2hmbkrs
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6strngs_2hmbkrs
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12/06/2005 12:00 am
biting me with jaws of steel
gnawing inside at how I feel
cutting me, blood slowly drips
calling me, just failing fits

jagged blade cutting so deep
untied from the ones we keep
shadows falling from your eyes
ushering my new demise

piercing through my failing heart
happy feelings ripped apart
words with lethal capacity
surprised by the audacity

come sunlight onto my bed
bring forth my intrepid
let me rise and set with you
moving on, the day is through



better?
If you like cars see mine here
my spyspace
# 10
Jolly McJollyson
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Jolly McJollyson
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12/14/2005 7:11 pm
Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrscalling me, just failing fits

ushering my new demise

happy feelings ripped apart

surprised by the audacity

bring forth my intrepid

These are the lines I have the biggest problems with.

The first of them "Calling me, just failing fits." I'm not sure what exactly that means, it's awkwardly worded and unclear.

The second "ushering my new demise" don't say "new demise" unless you had an old one, and, if you did, how are you writing this? You're deceased.

"Happy feelings ripped apart" is a bit too forward. I mean, if you want to be forward, write company newsletters. If you want to be flowing and clever, avoid this kind of thing. It just sounds like a high-school poetry slam filled with the kids who think they know how to write poetry, but really just can't. You have a few phrases in here that are pretty good and could be worked around for sure, but this is not one of them and I think you know that.

"Surprised by the audacity" Has an internal rhyme, but it feels like it throws the rhythm off, mainly because it has one too many syllables (eight instead of seven). "Silenced by audacity" I like better because of the contrast in the words. The word "Surprised" just doesn't have the right emphasis to begin this line. It's like you slur into it, and it offsets the power and meaning of the word. If you still want to convey surprise, I'd say "shocked by the audacity," but I still think "Silenced by audacity" is a bit more poetic.

The last one "Bring forth my intrepid" I have to ask you to please take out. I mean, you can keep the rest in if you want, totally unchanged, but get rid of this or at least rephrase. "Intrepid" is an adjective, and it doesn't modify anything in the next line. OK, here's a better way to do it. You can complete the thought in the next line, syncopating the poem like so:

"come sunlight onto my bed
bring forth my intrepid
mind to rise and set with you
moving on, the day is through"

My main problem with this poem is it still hands the reader everything on a silver platter. It's straightforward and just far too blunt. Lines like "jagged blade cutting so deep" and "shadows falling from your eyes" are just these pseudo-poetic overly-emotional lines that lose their power through obviousness. I notice most people writing poetry make one of two mistakes. They either make things way too obvious and you wonder why they bothered to write the poem at all, or they obfuscate in such a way as to make their poetry completely unintelligible. At least we know what you're talking about here, but it's just so up front.

Things you might want to do some exercises in would be:

1. Rhythm, you just keep changing the number of syllables in each line. This isn't free verse, it's structured.

2. Diction, try to use words that aren't too obvious, yet aren't totally opaque. While you're at it, make sure your words fit the scansion of your poem. Don't use a soft syllable where you need a hard one.

3. Devices, rhythmic devices such as the syncopation I suggested would be good (although that rhythmic device lies in the actual words and grammar thereof more than in syllables and the pattern thereof) and devices like alliteration are a couple different ways you can enhance your poem. I'll try to write a structured poem to line up against this one and you can see how I choose to do it. Obviously I'm no expert on poetry, but I can write it when I want to. I should probably get my friend Laura to help you...she's pretty incredible at it I have to say.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 11
Jolly McJollyson
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12/14/2005 7:57 pm
Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrsbiting me with jaws of steel
gnawing inside at how I feel
cutting me, blood slowly drips
calling me, just failing fits

jagged blade cutting so deep
untied from the ones we keep
shadows falling from your eyes
ushering my new demise

piercing through my failing heart
happy feelings ripped apart
words with lethal capacity
surprised by the audacity

come sunlight onto my bed
bring forth my intrepid
let me rise and set with you
moving on, the day is through

better?

Here's what I came up with

Spinning, ever spinning, the machines churn on and on
And never to explain nor to reveal
Reasons without reason and the chill of being born
Of metal, electricity, and steel

Sitting, always sitting, as the street turns round a corner
Then round another corner and again
Watching without seeing and I close my eyes to you
So Blinding, and so binding me, my friend

Crying, ever howling, the machines make such a fuss
Unbridled their emotions, though they be.
I Find myself remembering the tepid, tacit touch
The final, fair farewell you've given me.

Seething, always burning, but it cannot be revealed
It must not, no, it will not and it shan't.
This flame that bades me hide myself and let the truth be sealed,
It burns an effigy I know I can't.

Spinning, stopping spinning, as I gather up my clothes
And sullenly so leave the laundromat.
Low hung my head so sure am I that everybody knows
My strong and deep desire that you'd sat where I had sat.

Ugh, I hate writing structured poetry... anyhow, that's the best I can do off the cuff on this topic.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 12
magicninja
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12/14/2005 8:50 pm
Magicninja starts.




Shallow pools of liquid brown
neither full or hollow
with withered endless faces
and many men to follow

Jolly next stanza?
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# 13
6strngs_2hmbkrs
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6strngs_2hmbkrs
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12/14/2005 8:55 pm
Originally Posted by: magicninjaMagicninja starts.




Shallow pools of liquid brown
neither full or hollow
with withered endless faces
and many men to follow

Jolly next stanza?

sounds like you are writing a poem about taking a dump... withered endless faces? many men to follow? neither full or hollow? shallow pools of liquid brown? need I say more?
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# 14
magicninja
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12/14/2005 8:59 pm
Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrssounds like you are writing a poem about taking a dump... withered endless faces? many men to follow? neither full or hollow? shallow pools of liquid brown? need I say more?


Make what you will of it. Jolly?
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# 15
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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12/14/2005 11:11 pm
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonHere's what I came up with

Spinning, ever spinning, the machines churn on and on
And never to explain nor to reveal
Reasons without reason and the chill of being born
Of metal, electricity, and steel

Sitting, always sitting, as the street turns round a corner
Then round another corner and again
Watching without seeing and I close my eyes to you
So Blinding, and so binding me, my friend

Crying, ever howling, the machines make such a fuss
Unbridled their emotions, though they be.
I Find myself remembering the tepid, tacit touch
The final, fair farewell you've given me.

Seething, always burning, but it cannot be revealed
It must not, no, it will not and it shan't.
This flame that bades me hide myself and let the truth be sealed,
It burns an effigy I know I can't.

Spinning, stopping spinning, as I gather up my clothes
And sullenly so leave the laundromat.
Low hung my head so sure am I that everybody knows
My strong and deep desire that you'd sat where I had sat.

Ugh, I hate writing structured poetry... anyhow, that's the best I can do off the cuff on this topic.


Yesssssss... laundromat poetry! It's a whole new genre!!!!
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
# 16
Jolly McJollyson
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12/15/2005 12:21 am
Originally Posted by: magicninjaMagicninja starts.




Shallow pools of liquid brown
neither full or hollow
with withered endless faces
and many men to follow

Jolly next stanza?

Swirling in these pools of filth
Exhaustless everhated,
Well within the caustic grin
The smile has long abated.

Eggman? ...or Ninja?
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 17
magicninja
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12/16/2005 5:50 am
Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonSwirling in these pools of filth
Exhaustless everhated,
Well within the caustic grin
The smile has long abated.

Eggman? ...or Ninja?


In between remaining dreams
thoughts are torn asunder
while we hear the shadows fall
as gentle rolling thunder

Next?
Magicninja
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# 18
Jolly McJollyson
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12/16/2005 9:54 pm
Originally Posted by: magicninjaIn between remaining dreams
thoughts are torn asunder
while we hear the shadows fall
as gentle rolling thunder

Next?

And dreams that now have faded,
As pictures long ignored,
Judicious, jousted, jaded
The process draws the cord.

If you finish my suicide metaphor in a way I like I'll love you forever... If not I'm gonna do it myself.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 19
magicninja
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12/16/2005 10:13 pm
In to the blinding mystic
with one last to dispose
Fear, folly, failure
I draw this to a close

I'm going to write this whole thing out on paper and figure a way to turn it to lyrics.

Let's do this again sometime Jolly. You get to name this one.
Magicninja
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# 20

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