Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrscalling me, just failing fits
ushering my new demise
happy feelings ripped apart
surprised by the audacity
bring forth my intrepid
These are the lines I have the biggest problems with.
The first of them "Calling me, just failing fits." I'm not sure what exactly that means, it's awkwardly worded and unclear.
The second "ushering my new demise" don't say "new demise" unless you had an old one, and, if you did, how are you writing this? You're deceased.
"Happy feelings ripped apart" is a bit too forward. I mean, if you want to be forward, write company newsletters. If you want to be flowing and clever, avoid this kind of thing. It just sounds like a high-school poetry slam filled with the kids who think they know how to write poetry, but really just can't. You have a few phrases in here that are pretty good and could be worked around for sure, but this is not one of them and I think you know that.
"Surprised by the audacity" Has an internal rhyme, but it feels like it throws the rhythm off, mainly because it has one too many syllables (eight instead of seven). "Silenced by audacity" I like better because of the contrast in the words. The word "Surprised" just doesn't have the right emphasis to begin this line. It's like you slur into it, and it offsets the power and meaning of the word. If you still want to convey surprise, I'd say "shocked by the audacity," but I still think "Silenced by audacity" is a bit more poetic.
The last one "Bring forth my intrepid" I have to ask you to please take out. I mean, you can keep the rest in if you want, totally unchanged, but get rid of this or at least rephrase. "Intrepid" is an adjective, and it doesn't modify anything in the next line. OK, here's a better way to do it. You can complete the thought in the next line, syncopating the poem like so:
"come sunlight onto my bed
bring forth my intrepid
mind to rise and set with you
moving on, the day is through"
My main problem with this poem is it still hands the reader everything on a silver platter. It's straightforward and just far too blunt. Lines like "jagged blade cutting so deep" and "shadows falling from your eyes" are just these pseudo-poetic overly-emotional lines that lose their power through obviousness. I notice most people writing poetry make one of two mistakes. They either make things way too obvious and you wonder why they bothered to write the poem at all, or they obfuscate in such a way as to make their poetry completely unintelligible. At least we know what you're talking about here, but it's just so up front.
Things you might want to do some exercises in would be:
1. Rhythm, you just keep changing the number of syllables in each line. This isn't free verse, it's structured.
2. Diction, try to use words that aren't too obvious, yet aren't totally opaque. While you're at it, make sure your words fit the scansion of your poem. Don't use a soft syllable where you need a hard one.
3. Devices, rhythmic devices such as the syncopation I suggested would be good (although that rhythmic device lies in the actual words and grammar thereof more than in syllables and the pattern thereof) and devices like alliteration are a couple different ways you can enhance your poem. I'll try to write a structured poem to line up against this one and you can see how I choose to do it. Obviously I'm no expert on poetry, but I can write it when I want to. I should probably get my friend Laura to help you...she's pretty incredible at it I have to say.
I want the bomb
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