Originally Posted by: 6strngs_2hmbkrsI've tried something different, instead of just writing a song, and being straight to the point with my lyrics, I've written a poem, and I tried using some poem writing techniques I learned in english a couple years back... of course, I was never good with poetry, so let me know how I did, let's see if you can guess what it's about, here it is:

tis biting me with jaws of steel
tis gnawing at my inner being, how I feel
tis cutting me, blood slowly drips
tis calling me, just failing screaming fits

jagged blade so deep
shadows from your eyes
untied from the ones we keep
bringing my demise

pierced through the heart
twas strong on my part
words with lethal capacity
your satisfactory catastrophe

come sunlight onto my bed
bring for I, intrepid
let me set with you
move on, the day is through

All right, sorry, I kind of sounded like a dick on the first comment round. I'm not gonna sugar-coat anything, though. As far as poetry goes, it's not something I'd pick up and read at a reading. First of all, don't say "tis." You're not Shakespeare or Chaucer, and you don't have to use Elizabethan English. In fact, it's best to avoid it, it sounds forced and not a little lofty and pretentious. Try to get your rhythm to be more consistent, since your writing in a very rhythmic, structured form, you'll want the rhythm to come easily to the reader. Also, try and be more cadenced with your word choice. Lethal Capacity, for instance, is a well-cadenced phrase with a nice sound for the inner-ear, but satisfactory catastrophy seems bulky and weighed down. Also, what's up with the different rhyming pattern in verse 2? The "Twas" in verse three needs to go. Not to sound like I'm being harsh, but that's not how we speak any more, and if you want to write poetry like Shakespeare, you need an incredible inner-ear so you can pick the best possible words one word at a time, and create the best possible phrases. I don't mind the slant rhyme you have in the first couplet of verse four, but the rhythm throws me off. Also, I know there's poetic license, but "Bring for I" irks the bejeesus out of me. How about "Bring to me?" By the way, when I say "inner-ear," I'm referring to things like "bringing my demise" where you could just as well have said "ushering demise" and given it a better flow. Personally I don't like deathy words in poetry, they seem sappy and overplayed. Were I to write this poem in my own style (as in actually spend time on it...probably a week), I'd free verse something about a laundromat...for some reason I feel like break-up poetry should take place in a laundromat, and somehow tie the routine boredom and monotony to the breakup.