ok, I see the flaws, and appreciate your comment the second time around, the first time, you were just pulling me down, the second time around you provided some constructive criticism, which is what I need.

I did spend maybe 20 minutes on it... not a week... it turns out that my best poems/songs are the ones that I do not try to finish in one sitting. this one just kinda came out, without as much thought as a poem requires. I'm going to try to revise it now, and see if I can make it a little better, then maybe I'll try revising it again at another time, and see if that makes it more acceptable