Jokes

Hey,
anyone know any good jokes? they can be about anything , guitars , cereal, anything.

i say cereal because i know a good one about cereal. you would have to e-mail me for that one though, some people won't get it, so only e-mail if you have a good sense of humor :D

The punchline is in white text. I was caught off guard when I heard this one.

What did the one fat lady say to the other?

I don't know because they're both so fat.

LOL :) cool, nice one

I've got one. a religious one, so don't get offended please

Moses and a nun are playing golf one day, and the nun tees up, swings perfectly, and hits the ball right onto the green. then it's moses' turn, he tees up, hits the ball, and it goes way off in a totally different direction. so he says "damn, I missed" and the nun says "don't swear! or God will hit you with a bolt of lightening!"

So they move on to the second hole, the nun tees up, and hits the ball perfectly onto the green again. moses steps up, hits the ball, and it goes way off. he says "damn, I missed" and the nun says "don't swear or God will hit you with a bolt of lightening!"

This continues to happen all the way to the 18th hole. the nun tees up and hits the ball perfectly onto the green. moses hits the ball and it goes way off. and moses says "damn I missed". then suddenly a bolt of lightning comes down from the sky and zaps the nun, instantly killing her. and then God says "damn, I missed"

Originally Posted by: Cryptic ExcretionsThe punchline is in white text. I was caught off guard when I heard this one.

What did the one fat lady say to the other?

I don't know because they're both so fat.

HAHA

i really dont know whats so funny about that, but it definatly cracked me upp :p

Have y'all ever heard of Gandhi? He was the former spiritual and political leader of India earlier in the 20th century. He was a little dude who walked around bare-foot all the time and looooooooved curry-laden food.

So what did this make him?

A super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Originally Posted by: rockonn91HAHA

i really dont know whats so funny about that, but it definatly cracked me upp :p

That's just it. There is nothing funny about it. There's no actual joke. But the stupidity of it makes it funny for some reason.

Originally Posted by: LeedoggHave y'all ever heard of Gandhi? He was the former spiritual and political leader of India earlier in the 20th century. He was a little dude who walked around bare-foot all the time and looooooooved curry-laden food.

So what did this make him?

A super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

Never gets old. :D

This one is kind of long and a little off color.

A man and a woman get married. On their wedding night the wife charges the husband $20 to make love. He humors her. Every time they make love the wife charges him $20. The husband thinks this is her way of buying new clothes and getting her hair done. After 15 years the husband comes home distraught. He tells his wife he was fired from his job and they are up **** creek without a paddle. The wife smiles and laughs. What's so funny says the husband. All the money you gave me for sex I invested over the years. We will be fine. At this the husband becomes even more distraught. Well what's wrong says the wife. The husband replies If I knew you were doing that I would have given you all my business. :D

heres a lawyer joke


a lawyer gets a abrand new lexus and parks right in fron of the firm to show it off, then a truck comes buy and the door gets knocked off, the driver of the truck got out and said,are you okay!?

O MY GOD MY LEXUS!!!, exclaimed thr lawyer
then the truck driver said, you laywers are so materialisitic, didnt u notice when it took off your door it also took off your arm, the laywer looked down to see his missing arm.........



O MY GOD MY ROLEX!!!

a young accountant has just set up his new business and is sitting in his new office when he notices a man walking in.

so that he looks good, he picks up the phone and pretends to be having a very important conversation about an upcomming case

after he hangs up he looks to the man and says "so what can i do for you"
the man replies, "im here from the phone company to install you phone line"

All the jokes I can ever remember except one are a little "off color" and/or about offing coloreds.

Have any of you ever heard the one about the baby seal that walked into a club?

If this breaks forum rules remove it but being hispanic myself I see no offense in it. It is in fact hilarious.

An anglo, an african american and a mexican are standing on a river bank. They all want to get across. Unfortunately the water is gator infested. The anglo says the hell with it jumps in starts swimming. Not even halfway and bam ripped to shreds by a gator. The african american says man that anglo was slow but I got this yeah I got this. He jumps in bam swims a little more than halfaway and bam same gator catches him. The mexican stands alone and says orale the gator has nothin on me holmes. He jumps in and starts swimming before he knows it he's on the other side. One gator tells the other Why didn't you eat him? Last time I ate mexican my ass burned for a week! :D

3 people in a desert stranded for days on end... about 4 days into being stranded one of them says "which way to the town because im going to see if I can make it there before I die out here.." so off he sets.. about 2 days later he arrives at a town on the outskirts of the desert and falls through the gates.. when he wakes up the people ask him how he survived out in all that sun and heat.. he says "I took the radiator from the car with me and when I got thirsty I drank from it".... about 2 days later the next guy stumbles through the gates of the town and again when he wakes up the towns people ask him how he survived?.. he said I took the oil from the engine and rubbed it all over me to keep the heat from the sun out" so about 3 days later a figure is seen stumbling to the gates of the town carrying something and when he gets closer the people see its a door off a car.. the guy collapses and everyone is wondering how the heck this guy lived so long carrying a car door with him.. so when he comes around they are all excited to ask how he survived and when they ask him he says " well its like this when I got too hot I just let the window down!" :rolleyes:

There was this preacher who loved golf. Well, he hadn't played in a while, so he decides to skip Sunday's service to go play golf. He calles the church, and makes up some excuse about being sick. So, he gets up real early sunday morning to get out to the golf course before anyone else gets there. He makes it through a few holes, then one of God's angels notices what's going on, and brings it to God's attention. He asks God what he's going to do about it. God says, don't worry, I'll take care of him. Well, on the very next hole, which is a par 5 (not an easy hole for you non golfers), he tees up, and BAM! a hole in one! The angel turnes to God all confused, and say's, I thought you were going to take care of this so called preacher. Here he is, skipping church to play golf, and you reward him with a hole in one? God calmly replies to the angel... Think about it. Who is he gonna tell? :D

This very old couple was over at their friends house one evening, having dinner and visiting. After dinner, the men go in the other room to watch TV and talk about this and that, while the women went into the kitchen to clean the dishes. (remember, these folks are quite old) The men were sitting there chatting it up, when one of them starts talking about this new restaurant that was very good. The other man asks what it's name is. The other guy thinks a minute... gets a little frustrated... then asks the other man, "what's that red flower that women love and has thorns?" the other man replied, that's a rose. So, the other man turnes around towards the kitchen and shouts out, "Hey Rose, what was the name of that place we ate at the other night."

Why are so many guitarists jokes one liners ?

So the rest of the band can understand them

A woman is standing in line at the pearly gates talking to St. Peter when she hears an awful scream.

"What was that!?" she asks.

"Oh don’t worry," St. Peter replies, "That was the person before you getting the holes drilled in their back for their wings."

"Ouch," she blurts.

Again she hears another ear-shattering scream. "Now what was that?" she inquires.

St. Peter responds, "The same person was getting holes drilled in their head for a halo."

Terrified the woman looks St. Peter in the eyes and says, "I think I’d rather go to hell."

He responds, "No, no you don’t want to do that, you’ll be raped and sodomized there!"

The woman pauses and replies, "Well, at least I already have the holes for that!"

"Mommy! Mommy! When I grow up I want to be a guitar player!"
"Now Johnny, you can't do both!"

What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on ?

He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.