A short story

This is kinda similar to "An Awkward Meeting on the Sidewalk," I think, but I figured what the hey.

[U]The Writer[/U]

The writer sat on a park bench, admiring the view. It was a green and sunny day, just like he had written it to be. There were no birds singing, and no people walking along the park’s many trails. That was good. He liked to be alone.

A light breeze blew through the tree leaves and across the back of the writer’s neck. He shivered and frowned. It wasn’t quite warm enough outside to justify a cool breeze. He made note of this, and the wind died away as gently as it had arrived.

He smiled. That was much better. It was a real bestseller of a day.

The writer heard footsteps approaching. Footsteps? Oh. A plot twist. Sometimes he wrote things before realizing it. He’d just have to see how this turned out.

A young woman was walking briskly – yes, he liked that – down the trail. She was very pretty, almost unrealistically so. Typical of his work.

As she passed the bench, she smiled at the writer. He didn’t like that.

‘I’m going to kill you,’ he thought to himself.

The woman stopped and took a couple steps back. “Pardon me?”

The writer blinked several times. He must have spoken aloud. He rummaged through his brain for some sort of cover-up, but could find nothing. Oh well. It didn’t matter. He was the writer. He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I’m going to kill you,” he said.

She didn’t seem phased by this. “You’re gonna kill me?”

He hadn’t expected that. Maybe he should let her live after all. It might be interesting….no. Too late now.

“Yes,” he said. “I think I am.”

She cocked her head to one side with a playful grin on her face. Obviously she didn’t believe him.

“May I ask why?”

The writer thought for a second. “This is my story, and I liked it more without you in it.”

Now he was standing over her lifeless body. He couldn’t remember getting up, but he must have done so. He’d have to come back and edit that little inconsistency later.

Originally Posted by: earthman buckThis is kinda similar to "An Awkward Meeting on the Sidewalk," I think, but I figured what the hey.

[U]The Writer[/U]

“This is my story, and I liked it more without you in it.”

Wow, Exactly what I said to my Ex Wife

That being said, I enjoyed your story. :)

Nice plot once again! Good to see you're writing.

I'd say this is your best story yet. Your writing is becoming a lot less stiff; I can hear the flow of the sentences beginning to trickle. You have a very minimalist style, like Ernest Hemingway, which is the polar opposite of my own. It's a difficult style to pull off; I don't think I've ever heard of an author who has consistently done it well.

The main strength of the minimalist style (which many people imitating Ernest Hemingway and others do not seem to understand) is that, though the sentences and word-choices are typically very simplistic, they are used in such a way that it gives them as much power as possible.

"It made him sad," for instance, in the context of a minimalist story, could be an incredibly powerful line.

The most important thing to remember about minimalism is that underneath the simple exterior is a great, gushing current of power and emotion. There are several places in this story where I can hear that river, like here: "as she passed the bench, she smiled at the writer. He didn’t like that." You've done a phenomenal job on those places.

In other places, like this paragraph: "the writer sat on a park bench, admiring the view. It was a green and sunny day, just like he had written it to be. There were no birds singing, and no people walking along the park’s many trails. That was good. He liked to be alone." the description becomes overly simplistic. After the A-ok first sentence, the scenery begins to kind of fall into a simple flick of the writer's wrist. The "just like he had written it to be" reveals too much to the reader, and far too early. "It was a silent, sunny day with no one around. That was good. He liked that." might be a slightly richer way to say it. Remember, the minimalist style is going to use as few words as possible to bring out a lot of emotion in the reader. "Good" is no longer a silly, cop-out adjective. "Liked" is no longer something anyone does casually.

"The writer blinked several times. He must have spoken aloud. He rummaged through his brain for some sort of cover-up, but could find nothing. Oh well. It didn’t matter. He was the writer. He swallowed the lump in his throat." Here, again, this gives the reader too much information; instead of making him react emotionally, he simply swallows data. Things like "he was the writer" don't have much emotional power.

Jolly, thank you. That was very very helpful advice. I'm off school this next week, I'll try and edit some things a little bit.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonI'd say this is your best story yet. Your writing is becoming a lot less stiff; I can hear the flow of the sentences beginning to trickle. You have a very minimalist style, like Ernest Hemingway, which is the polar opposite of my own. It's a difficult style to pull off; I don't think I've ever heard of an author who has consistently done it well.

The main strength of the minimalist style (which many people imitating Ernest Hemingway and others do not seem to understand) is that, though the sentences and word-choices are typically very simplistic, they are used in such a way that it gives them as much power as possible.

"It made him sad," for instance, in the context of a minimalist story, could be an incredibly powerful line.

The most important thing to remember about minimalism is that underneath the simple exterior is a great, gushing current of power and emotion. There are several places in this story where I can hear that river, like here: "as she passed the bench, she smiled at the writer. He didn’t like that." You've done a phenomenal job on those places.

In other places, like this paragraph: "the writer sat on a park bench, admiring the view. It was a green and sunny day, just like he had written it to be. There were no birds singing, and no people walking along the park’s many trails. That was good. He liked to be alone." the description becomes overly simplistic. After the A-ok first sentence, the scenery begins to kind of fall into a simple flick of the writer's wrist. The "just like he had written it to be" reveals too much to the reader, and far too early. "It was a silent, sunny day with no one around. That was good. He liked that." might be a slightly richer way to say it. Remember, the minimalist style is going to use as few words as possible to bring out a lot of emotion in the reader. "Good" is no longer a silly, cop-out adjective. "Liked" is no longer something anyone does casually.

"The writer blinked several times. He must have spoken aloud. He rummaged through his brain for some sort of cover-up, but could find nothing. Oh well. It didn’t matter. He was the writer. He swallowed the lump in his throat." Here, again, this gives the reader too much information; instead of making him react emotionally, he simply swallows data. Things like "he was the writer" don't have much emotional power.

Yup. What he said. If you're going to study minimalism, don't forget to read everything you can get your hands on by Raymond Carver.

To be frank, I'm surprised you all liked this story so much. It seems to me like Brendon got an idea for a story, some good lines, realized he had no actual plot, and made it as quick as possible. It just seems lazy to me. I didn't know that laziness was a style, not to mention a particularly tricky one.

Originally Posted by: acapellaTo be frank, I'm surprised you all liked this story so much. It seems to me like Brendon got an idea for a story, some good lines, realized he had no actual plot, and made it as quick as possible. It just seems lazy to me. I didn't know that laziness was a style, not to mention a particularly tricky one.

Certainly the plot is lacking. In fact, the story should probably be about two pages (single-spaced) longer.

Originally Posted by: acapellaTo be frank, I'm surprised you all liked this story so much. It seems to me like Brendon got an idea for a story, some good lines, realized he had no actual plot, and made it as quick as possible. It just seems lazy to me. I didn't know that laziness was a style, not to mention a particularly tricky one.

Now you see why it's tricky though. He only comes through with it at a few points. However, this is a few points more than his other stories, which had only one or two diamonds in the rough, as far as really powerful lines were concerned.

Originally Posted by: acapellaTo be frank, I'm surprised you all liked this story so much. It seems to me like Brendon got an idea for a story, some good lines, realized he had no actual plot, and made it as quick as possible. It just seems lazy to me. I didn't know that laziness was a style, not to mention a particularly tricky one.

Bitch.

You got it right on. I do plan on making it better and longer at some point this week, though. Right after I redo all my soundclick songs with my new recorder. Man, some of them really suck.

Let's all keep in mind that it's a rare first draft that's actually good.

Originally Posted by: acapellaTo be frank, I'm surprised you all liked this story so much. It seems to me like Brendon got an idea for a story, some good lines, realized he had no actual plot, and made it as quick as possible. It just seems lazy to me. I didn't know that laziness was a style, not to mention a particularly tricky one.

Jolly's right. It rare that a first draft ever survives through to final edit. But it's a solid idea, it's written well in the minimalistic style and has potential . I look forward to seeing it as it develops. Remember too that minimalism is one of the most difficult styles to master. It's much easier to use a bunch of words rather than to pare down to the bare bones.

Originally Posted by: hunter60It's much easier to use a bunch of words rather than to pare down to the bare bones.

I disagree. I may not be very good at it, but I find less words are easier to work with. It's just how my mind works. When it's a nice day, I think "what a nice day," not "O! 'Tis a splendrous day; the scent of youth rides high on the ephemeral wind!"

Originally Posted by: earthman buckI disagree. I may not be very good at it, but I find less words are easier to work with. It's just how my mind works. When it's a nice day, I think "what a nice day," not "O! 'Tis a splendrous day; the scent of youth rides high on the ephemeral wind!"

Everyone's mind works that way, true. But when describing situations to a reader, ones natural inclination is typically to make sure he makes the picture as clear as possible, which leads to wordiness.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonEveryone's mind works that way, true. But when describing situations to a reader, ones natural inclination is typically to make sure he makes the picture as clear as possible, which leads to wordiness.

I guess.

Anyhow, this minimalism stuff has me intrigued. For the first time I feel like I could be a writer after all.

Now if only I had some Ritalin.....

Originally Posted by: earthman buckI disagree. I may not be very good at it, but I find less words are easier to work with. It's just how my mind works. When it's a nice day, I think "what a nice day," not "O! 'Tis a splendrous day; the scent of youth rides high on the ephemeral wind!"

That's pretty funny. I think if your inner-dialogue has that t.s. elliott feel to it, run, don't walk, to your therapist and beg for some of those huge, horse pill sized, anti-psychotics. What I'm talking about is minimalism, which is more about proper word choice, rather than how much of your thesarus you can vomit on the page. One of the best pieces of advice I have ever received when it comes to writing is this; it's not the details you put in but rather the details you leave out.

Here's the description of minimalism at it's best: Literary minimalism is characterized by an economy with words and a focus on surface description. Minimalist authors eschew adverbs and prefer allowing context to dictate meaning. Readers are expected to take an active role in the creation of a story, to "choose sides" based on oblique hints and innuendo, rather than reacting to directions from the author. The characters in minimalist stories and novels tend to be unexceptional; they're average people who sell pool supplies or coach second tier athletic teams, not famous detectives or the fabulously wealthy. Generally, the short stories are "slice of life" stories.

And here are some authors to become familiar with if you're interested in the style: : Raymond Carver, Chuck Palahniuk, Bret Easton Ellis, Ernest Hemingway, Amy Hempel, Eneas McNulty, Bobbie Ann Mason, Tobias Wolff, Grace Paley, Sandra Cisneros, Mary Robison, Frederick Barthelme, and Alicia Erian.

Good luck. Like I said, it's an easy style to copy, miserably difficult to do well.
:)

Originally Posted by: CW14Mabe:
'He stood over her, . She was dead.'

Actually, I like that better as well. I'll probably use that when I edit it.

Okay, here. I hope this is a little better, at least.

[U]The Writer[/U]

The writer sat on a park bench, admiring the view. It was mostly bright outside, with the sun slipping behind the clouds only occasionally. The park was devoid of the people, dogs, and Frisbees that could usually be found there. That was just fine with the writer. He liked to be alone.

A light breeze blew through the tree leaves and across the back of the writer’s neck. He shivered and frowned. It wasn’t quite warm enough to justify a cool breeze. He made note of this, and the wind died away as gently as it had arrived.

He smiled. That was much better. It was a real bestseller of a day.

The writer looked down at his notebook. It was open to the first page, which was empty. He tapped his pen against his lip. He came to this park every day to silently observe the scenery and do his writing, but today he was having trouble. He had run out of ideas.

He doodled aimlessly on the page’s corners. Soon the scribbled lines turned into words, and the words formed sentences.

The writer couldn’t help but grin. This one was going to be his best piece yet.

The writer heard footsteps approaching. He looked up from his notebook. Footsteps? Oh. A plot twist. Sometimes he wrote things before realizing it. He’d just have to see how this turned out.

A young woman was walking briskly – yes, he liked that – down the trail. She was very pretty, almost unrealistically so. Typical of his work.

As she passed the bench, she smiled at the writer. He didn’t like that. He averted his gaze.

‘I’m going to kill you,’ he thought to himself.

The woman stopped and took a couple steps back. “Pardon me?”

He looked up at her and opened his mouth to speak. But then he paused. Was this such a good idea? He hadn’t counted on this woman showing up in the first place. What would she do?

He swallowed the lump in his throat.

“I said I’m going to kill you,” he said.

Her eyebrows went up a little, but she didn’t seem too phased. “You’re gonna kill me?”

He certainly hadn’t expected that. He was starting to wish he’d never bothered with her.

“Yes,” he said. “I think I am.”

She cocked her head to one side with a playful grin on her face. Obviously she didn’t believe him.

“May I ask why?”

She was making him very uncomfortable. He wished she’d just go away.

The writer looked down at his notebook and thought for a second. “This is my story, and I liked it more without you in it.”

He stood over her now, tapping his pen against his lip. She was dead. He couldn’t remember getting up, but he must have done so. He’d have to come back and edit that little inconsistency later.

You shifty bottom-feeders. You let it fall back into obscurity! :)

It's more a story now, and less of a plot outline for a story. I like it. But of course I already told you that like, 3 hours ago.