So guess what happens a week from tomorrow

Looks like my cat's off to the vet to be put down. It's weird, the bonding one gets with animals. She's been a good cat for a long time, but she's, well, hideous. You can easily describe her by saying she's decaying, or at least smells like it. She's old and it kind of has to be done. Thing is, I really can't say I feel much for it. I'm not really sad about it, not happy, I really just don't feel much of anything. I look at he and see the cat that's been around since I was 12 and now I'm taking her in for a lethal injection. It just catches me as weird and I get so caught in the thought of what everything was vs what it is and I just don't know what to think. I even spell it out for myself in the most blunt ways by imagining her lifeless body afterwards. I try to imagine what she'll be feeling after the shot. A drowsy feeling that turns into exhaustion. Then sleep. That's how I think of everything. I take in everything at once. I try to really understand what things must be like. To be blind even. I can close my eyes for an extended period of time, but is that darkness what a blind person sees? Are they even able to see that darkness? Let alone forever. A paralyzed person, schizophrenia, everything. To wake up everyday with that same symptom as the day before and knowing that it will never change. I dunno, maybe I think too much about things like that. I try to envision what things must be like so intensly that it often gives me the creeps. This is also how a lot of my time thinking is spent. Envisioning such things that I don't understand. Observing people and their lives. I'm often confused with a starer. I'm almost always looking at people but it's not staring the way I do it. I'll sit there and imagine what the world looks like from their view and some times it gets frighteningly accurate. Earlier today I was waiting in line for lunch and I looked at a table that seated three girls and one guy. Two of the girls I singled out and contemplated what made them who they were and I ended up coming to the conclusion that they didn't actually exist. They weren't people, how could they be. They've just been manifested in some shell. I did notice one thing. I saw a phone number written on one of the girls' hand. So as I stood less than 2 feet away from her, I entered that phone number into my cell phone and I still have it. I'm contemplating calling just to see who she wants to talk to, but I hold back because I fear that might be a tad close to being a stalker. But regardless, I still came to the conclusion that everyone in there was meaningless. They all disgusted me. I don't really even know why. But they did. I was fed up with all of them and contemplated leaving the restaurant just to be in a less crowded area. I find that I have that feeling a lot. Whenever I leave the house I start getting really uncomfortable in public places. Namely because there're people everywhere. Infesting everything. And what makes it worse is that every time I go to the same store, I always see different people, never the same ones. Which means that I'm seeing that many more people. Then I begin to wonder if any of the people I see now happen to know any of the people I've seen before or some random thought like that. Well, enough of my sudden burst of thoughts. Don't feel like it's necessary to respond.

I can relate to several things you said.

I often get upset and down over things that will never affect me. Like seeing some kid in the street with beat up trainers.. I worry his parents arent that well off and he has a hard time growing up. Or seeing a daughter nervously shop with her mother... she looks uncomfortable.. like she doesnt wana be there.. but is she only there because she doesnt have much else in her life.. not many friends or things to keep herself occupied. Seeing people stuck in dead end jobs.. like at a checkout.. you can tell by there expression that they want more from life.. but cant get it.

Its easy to be profound about it all... to sit and consider other peoples circumstances.. to the point of considering interveing and calling a person for example, just to sample their life.

It sounds like your unhappy in your life right now.. and your looking to offer people to compare yourself to. You say those girls dont exist... do you mean they dont live? Perhaps you feel like life is passing you by right now.

It's not really so much that I'm unhappy, I'm a jolly ****er.

Regarding the "don't exist" thing. I really have a hard time finding the words to explain what I mean. I don't mean they're not alive, I'm sure they are, by definition anyway. They just seemed hollow and drone-like. So monotonous and predictable. Like they had nothing to offer the world, just a waste of time. And for me to sit here and think about it is an equal contradiction. It's a waste of my time, if they're not worth the time of day then why am I giving it to them. As disgusted as I am by people though I still find them fascinating to observe. I never tire of watching the life of the simple-minded people. Always walking around, day-in day-out, same thing. Nothing new with any of them, hell, the biggest issue in their life is the increase of gas prices. What could they possibly know? They're off in never never land crying about all sorts of bull**** but none of them seem to see that it doesn't matter. Nothing does. So what's the point? Why they continue to let such small matters plague them is beyond me. I don't know, maybe it's just me. I just feel very out of place here. I live with my mom but in a couple weeks I'm moving in with a friend of mine. But that's not enough. I want my own place where I can always be alone so I can go and hermit myself in my chamber of isolation and have a place to always go to when I want to be free. Something that won't be taken from me in time, some where that I can guarantee will always be there when I need to get away from anything. I guess I can honestly say I don't really care much for this place. I feel nothing worthwhile from it and I don't see myself getting anywhere here. Everyone I see from family to coworkers is equally full of **** (save for a select few here and there). All fighting in the same dead end rat race that accomplishes nothing and leaves everything the same. Mostly, I'm confused by everything. I've been reading a **** ton into psychology lately to try and understand anything more than nothing. So far that really hasn't helped much as I just don't seem to be getting it. What you've just read is probably a very big reason why I have literally based my entire existance around music. Not much else out there.

I understand how you feel and where you're comming from, though, I can't express things as vocally as you. I wish I could, but when it comes to words, it's all I can do to say what I do say. I completely understand what you mean about the girls not "existing". I call it not having a personality/character of their own, i.e. being someone they think their "friends" will accept. I also know how you feel about being a hermit. I am very to myself. After my pop's got re-married and moved out I bought this house I live in now (which is the same house I've lived in for the 25 years of my existance). It's wonderful to come home from work and be able to close myself off from the rest of the world, and ingulf myself in my music (probably the only thing that keeps me half way sain). I also understand the people watcher thing. People alway's ask me why I'm so quiet or shy, but it's not that I am quiet or shy, it's just that I pay close attention to those around me. I pay attention to body language, vocal dynamics, dialect, etc... I don't really know why other than I find it interesting. Also, I'm sorry to hear about your cat. I recently had to put my dog to sleep. It was really hard for me though, because he was the only person I could REALY talk to. Pet's are a wonderful thing whether it's a snake, bird, cat, or dog, because they're not going to judge you no matter what, and all they care about is your happiness. I don't guess I have much of a point to my post other than I understand what you're talking about. If you ever feel you need to talk about any of this on a deeper level, feel free to e-mail me. Take care...

The tourble is though, in observing others and making assumptions on their lifes, is you can get it wrong. Your stereotyping people and pretty much implying you think your above them.. that your life is more meaningful.

You probably wouldnt like me in real life. I like to dress fashionably... I care about what people think of me... but really its how Im happy. I get confidence and pleasure from being accepted and appreciated by people you might consider those who dont live.

The thing is, life is different for everyone. Everyone is born into a completely different lifestyle. The meaning of like is to satisy yourself.. make the best of what you, enjoy life.

I still think any psychologist will tell you that your interest in others suggests you feel your life is fufilled. I try to keep busy, make life hectic and action packed, I dont have time to pay too much attension to other people in that way.

That's a kind of a yes and no thing Axl. On one hand it is stereotyping, but if you use enough scrutiny and keep a discernful enough mind to know when certain factors apply and when they don't apply. If something makes you happy then it's going to show through the way you act. There are significant differences in actions, tone, everything that catch the eye. The ones that all do the same monotonous acts all shuffle together in groups of even numbers and wallow in their bouyancy while the real deals, even if they're with others, still single out like the proverbial sore thumb. And it's not really so much that I have the time to thrive on what other people do, it's more so just something I like to watch, like a favorite television show, just seeing people do what they do. But only certain ones. I've found myself fascinated by watching a kid get on a school bus and go to school. Where as someone doing something remotely interesting would just brush off.
I doubt I would dislike you for the way you dress to be honest, despite how I come off here. I've got a couple friends that do take time to prepare themselves for the day and I as well, if necessary, will do the same. I don't dress like crap for any reason other than comfort and I'm aware that stereotypes gear back at me. So, sorry for coming across as a stereotyping jerk. And I don't mean to say you're wrong about what you say, you prove good points.

Oh, and don't worry about the cat. If you saw her and the state she's in you wouldn't exclude putting her down either. She's old and we're amazed she lasted this long, what with being inbred. We also used to have her brother who shared the same genetic disorder, only he didn't make it to the chance to be put down and it's basically going to be the same thing all over again unless we do something.

Funny thought, if I ever want to get where I want to be in music I'm going to have to knock that hermit **** off.

I'm what you'd call a loner.
I like to keep to myself a lot, which is why I'm so f***ing pissed off that my elder brother has come to live with me (he has since August last year), and because of it, I just can't be me. The reason he has to live with me is coz he got retrenched from his job and then got some small time "job", which pays so f***ing little (and this is Africa, so when I say lillte, you know it's little) he can't afford to rent a place of his own or commute to and from his home daily. I can't do anything about it coz that would bring up a lot of bull**** from home, you know, stuff about supporting each other (we're just two kids, but he is 11 yrs older, married with two kids), especially since we are technically orphaned (my mom died in '95, both of the men who fathered us are alive but that's all there is to them), and **** like that.
I'm 26, and people don't believe me when I tell them that not only don't I have a girlfriend, I've never even had one my whole life. They don't get it. I just shrug and move on, coz only I can know what I want.

It's good to think. Just make sure you're not getting suicidal or some other **** like that.

I have a similar disorder to yourself and take powerfull tablets to overcome it.
It causes me to be up sometimes at every hour of the day, so i'm always ready fot a chat - I'm in England
Try not to worry about your cat - they use a general anaesthetic and its instant and painless.

Regarding David, can't say I've ever had a girlfriend either, granted I'm not quite 26 just yet, about 5 more years to go, but I've still never had one nor can I really imagine myself getting one. Whenever I start to think about dating I gather up all sorts of thoughts on who would date me, why, what would it be like and all sorts of things like that. Only thing is the thought alone tends to cramp my gut and make me shun the love-life. I've taken a lot of things into consideration and every last bit of it has always pointed in the direction of abstinance from anything even remotely associatable with dating. I've found it very easy to believe that people date at least partially out of fear of being alone. As though they couldn't handle the idea of total independance. I've even managed to get a couple here and there to admit such things. It's kind of ironic. Back in my freshman year I thought things like "I should get a girlfriend, I know I'll regret it if I don't even try". But I seem to regret the times...well, that time I did try. I found it to be a waste of time, I got nothing accomplished and ended up in a worse situation than before. If that's any indication of the point then thanks but no thanks, let those that want it compete. I give my friend **** on a semi-regular basis for dating and he keeps on giving me **** for not doing so. And his girlfriend keeps insisting that I need to get a girlfriend, but, y'know... it just doesn't seem right. If I spent the time I could think of plenty of reasons to date and not to date, but it just doesn't seem like something I have any business doing. My presence alone has altered things beyond what they were intended to be already. I've changed enough already, I don't think I should get so close and really change someone's life like that.

Oh, I'm sure those people (as well as everyone else I brashly judge) have a story of their own. I'm sure even a few people are interested in that story (I'm guessing in this case whoever's phone number it was on that girl's hand is interested) But even considering that, is the story still worthwhile? Does it have the longevity to last? Does it have the power to impact someone? Or is it a dime-a-dozen story that everyone can relate to? Regarding my metal "difference". I've often wondered how different I am. I'm aware that everyone can relate to me in some way and vice-versa. But still, I feel like there's something that still singles me out and the more I can relate the more I feel secluded. I know I may sound really cliche when I say that because I know I'm not the only one that says that (yet again with the relating to others thing) but I dunno. What do I know? Maybe I'm just full of ****.

Originally Posted by: PonyOneultimately all that we know about our existence is what we allow ourselves to know and to experience.

Thats kinda my outlook on life. I really only concentrate on things which effect my life directly. Not in a selfish respect like not giving to charities or helping random people in the streets... I mean I put my heart and sole in the things close to me and try not let things that cant effect me, effect me.

People think Im kinda strange. I have a really high IQ, Im "smart", but man Im eccenrtic. I didnt realise it till lately but Im just many idiocentractic mannerisms and believes that make me noticably 'strange'.

Im profound too, like the people posting here, I sit on the bus and will look at one person then imagine their life... I'll workout their job, if the have any family, just based on their attire or gesture upon their face.

Cryptic, if it bothers you, or worries you, that you have these feelings then dont let it. I can tell by the way you present yourself that youre a really smart guy. And I believe that being 'smart' has a downside, it burdens you with a want for answers to things other people wouldnt otherwise question.

I guess in a way you're right. I do have a lot of unanswerable questions. Only thing is I barely even understand the question alone and that makes me think if I can't even ask a question properly how am I gonna get a good answer?