Critique my first songs and lyrics!


randallnm
New Member
Joined: 03/20/03
Posts: 2
randallnm
New Member
Joined: 03/20/03
Posts: 2
03/20/2003 7:13 am
Hello,

I'm nick, I'm 17, and here are my first tries at songwriting. Here they are:

http://www.mp3.com/nickrandall

or http://www.nowhereradio.com/nickrandall
or http://www.garageband.com/artist/nickrandall

please rip them to shreds and let me know what you think! The endings got cut off, and there is a tape hiss, so I apologize for that.

Here are the lyrics:
Snow Would Melt. words and music by Nick Randall.Copyright2002.

I wish the snow would melt but then we all might drown
We could build a boat and sail it on the sea.
Try our best to make promises
For a new society

Built a fire on a mountaintop
So we could see the country lines
But waves erased the latitudes
That governed our Design

On this rock, let the waters rise
As we all are climbing down
It's a terrible compromise,
It's freezing again, and starting to snow.

Building houses from the things we've got:
Some shoelace and some string.
Shingles made from credit cards
And other fancy things.

Gather food while playing war,
It's a shady game of cards.
No more TV and gasolene,
But it's not too late to start.

On this rock, let the waters rise
As we all are climbing down
It's a terrible compromise,
It's freezing again, and starting to snow.

Some of us will swim away
and others still will drown.
Some of us will try to stay,
But bury our promises in the ground.

Heaven's city lights (the only lights we have),
Cast illuminated darkness on the shore.
Constellations are memories
Of being here before.

On this rock, let the waters rise
As we all are climbing down
It's a terrible compromise,
It's freezing again, and starting to snow.

rip these to shreds too. Thanks!




[Edited by randallnm on 03-20-2003 at 11:46 PM]
# 1
hairbndrckr
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Joined: 03/23/03
Posts: 625
hairbndrckr
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Posts: 625
03/24/2003 4:51 am
DUDE!!!!!!!!!
That is some kick ASS guitar work. You got some great reviews on it at garageband.com too.
So. If you throw a cat out of a car window, is it considered "kitty litter"?
# 2
daveichler
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Joined: 04/02/01
Posts: 13
daveichler
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Posts: 13
03/29/2003 10:54 pm
i just listened to your song snow would melt, thats a great song! You got some really good things going on in the guitar part and some nasty chord progressions. Your lyrics fit really well with your music too. Its a really good song, keep coming back with more!
# 3
Hootayah
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Joined: 09/30/00
Posts: 274
Hootayah
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Joined: 09/30/00
Posts: 274
03/30/2003 6:28 am
Like usual, MP3.com is screwed up again...

We're sorry.
Songs by this Artist are currently unavailable on our site.
Hey you kids! Get outta that Jello tree!! :mad:
# 4
randallnm
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Joined: 03/20/03
Posts: 2
randallnm
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Posts: 2
03/30/2003 10:00 pm
try http://www.garageband.com/artist/nickrandall
# 5
Gainer
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Joined: 03/25/03
Posts: 234
Gainer
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Posts: 234
04/05/2003 12:37 am
Those are some good lyrics and I can see that being a top 10 song! We need more of your stuff man!
If I leave here tomorrow,
Will you still remember me?
# 6
BloodHound40
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Joined: 03/09/03
Posts: 3
BloodHound40
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Joined: 03/09/03
Posts: 3
04/05/2003 11:05 pm
Nick, Great guitar playin'. You surely have the potential for something here. Lyrics are great too. It lacks a bit of that "memorable hook". Having listened to it twice, I can remember the guitar riff, but not any of the lyrics. To become a hit song, Most non-guitar playing listeners want a melody hook to hum while picking their noses.
# 7
stratman42
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Joined: 01/20/01
Posts: 217
stratman42
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Posts: 217
04/09/2003 8:24 pm
Love the lyrics...aint listened to the song, too busy d/l ing. Nice work. I always find decent original lyrics hard to write
Work hard...Play hard...Break a string...:mad:

Actions speak louder than words...
And my actions speak louder than yours :D
# 8
AIC
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Joined: 08/14/04
Posts: 77
AIC
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Posts: 77
08/18/2004 6:39 pm
Damn that is good. Keep on making tracks like that and you'll get somewhere i'm sure!

Very good guitar playing btw and you got a good voice
# 9
stratman42
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Posts: 217
stratman42
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Posts: 217
08/19/2004 10:57 am
eee, it's been a while since i've been on here...well, am currently doing a rough recording of my latest song...a 13 minute prog-metal jobby entitled "summer storm"...well, guitars for it anyway...not finished the lyrics yet, but when it's done gonna go round to a mate's to do a better recording with drums off CuBase and lay a bass line down too...and the vox :)
Work hard...Play hard...Break a string...:mad:

Actions speak louder than words...
And my actions speak louder than yours :D
# 10
Jolly McJollyson
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Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
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Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
08/21/2004 5:37 am
Originally Posted by: randallnm
Built a fire on a mountaintop

On this rock, let the waters rise

But bury our promises in the ground.
[Edited by randallnm on 03-20-2003 at 11:46 PM]


These three lines make me think of fantasy metal bands like the glorious "Hammerfall"

Let the waters RIIIIISE Let the hammer FAAAALLLLLL
The Demonic CRIIIIEESSSS We'll defeat them all!!!
We cast the FLAAAAAAAMMMES on the MOUNTAINTOP
AND WE BURY THEIR NAMES WHEN THEIR SHIELDS DO DROP!!!!

WAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAA!
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 11
Polera
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Joined: 01/12/02
Posts: 917
Polera
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Joined: 01/12/02
Posts: 917
08/21/2004 3:46 pm
No doubt you got some good songs and your talented. I perfer a little more indepentent guitar work, a few more change ups and solo's. Remember its good, but you asked to critique....with that said, if u never touch any of it, it would still be some pretty good song writing/performing.
WWSD? What would stevie do?
# 12

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