New Acoustic Song - Would like some feedback please


shayman1
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shayman1
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09/05/2010 4:27 pm
Hey all
I've recently uploaded a new version of a song I wrote a while ago and posted it onto my songwriting blog so it would be great to get a bit of feedback. It's called 'Butterfly Tattoo' and is really quite an upbeat rock song but I like to strip things back a bit too. I've also desrcribed how the song came about and how I structured it so hopefully you'll find it an interesting read too.

It's here: www.songwriting4guitar.com/songs

Let me know what you think.

Shayman
# 1
compart1
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compart1
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09/05/2010 8:24 pm
the whole package soiunds good to me
I'm on my fourth listen right now..
Gordon...
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shayman1
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shayman1
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09/05/2010 8:41 pm
Hey Gordon
Really appreciate your comments. It was just recorded last Friday evening (with a nice bottle of Rioja as company:)) so it's a bit rough in areas but it's just nice to get something down.

Cheers
Shayman
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Jpin109
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Jpin109
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09/13/2010 4:31 am
I think you made an amazing song. I really enjoyed it. GREAT WORK.
# 4
shayman1
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shayman1
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09/13/2010 8:44 pm
Thanks guys
I'm working on a couple more so will post these when I'm done. Such good fun recording your own songs and being able to share them with people. The web is amazing isn't it!
All the best
Shayman
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OMartin
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OMartin
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09/27/2010 5:41 pm
I really liked it mate. Good work!
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vladjames
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vladjames
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10/02/2010 12:24 pm
I like this good job man.
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Victory Hil
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Victory Hil
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10/03/2010 3:45 pm
I've just finished listening to the song. I really like the music. Not fixed on the lyrics though.

They jump around a bit. I tend to be into lyrics that are cohesive... I don't find these lyrics perfect yet. They need some work (if you ask me); however, there's lots of room for growth.

If you want to tell a story (boy meets girl for example) then tell a story. It doesn't have to be clear/fully expressed (meaning if you want to leave room for a person's imagination to run wild)it can/should be (in my estimation) abstract but needs to be cohesive.

Another thing I found... (and you don't have to listen to anything I say because I've only ever been musical because of my ear but...)

Your voice should wrap around the lyrics smoothly. I hear rough edges on some of your lines, gaps, places where the lyrics and the music don't glide but collide due to improper integration. All the lyrics should slither into each other softly, like they've been together forever, like they were made for each other... that (to me) makes for a great "hook". (I really liked the hook, but I found the word "suicide" distracting... it robbed my mind of the flowing image I might have enjoyed if there were another word there instead).

Sorry.

I mean this as a constructive criticism.

I "do" like the song idea. I really like the guitar.

:)

You can really make this song 'great' with a little bit of work.

;)
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shayman1
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shayman1
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10/05/2010 12:51 pm
This is good criticism Victory, and I wouldn't disagree with anything you have said. I'd be happy for you to put forward any creative suggestions that you have to help improve the song. Please feel free ( e.g. replacing the word 'Suicide' with..). Thanks for taking the trouble to give your opinion.
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Victory Hil
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Victory Hil
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10/05/2010 7:55 pm
So glad I didn't hurt your feelings, Shayman1. I was worried for a while, when I didn't see a response from you.

But, I'd be happy to give your lyrics a once over, if you don't mind writing them out for me. You've got the Copyrights already, I'm sure... so if you want to post them, I'll go over them.

If you don't have the copyrights, please get them FIRST. Then post.

I really think the song has merit, so I'm glad you didn't take my comments as criticism 'period', cuz criticize is not what I meant to do.
Good job!

:)
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Victory Hil
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Victory Hil
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10/06/2010 4:03 pm
Hmmm. I'm guessing you're too busy to post the lyrics.

No problem.

I don't remember the entire line (I'd have to listen to the song again and I don't have the time right now) but, instead of "rock and roll suicide" I'd maybe write something like...

(If I remember correctly your lyrics say...)
something something something "for a ride" (I think)

Follow this train of thought with a phrase like:

"don't let your dreams collide"

or

"your world will open wide"... for example.

Make sure the lyrical rhythm/meter is in sync and you're set.

You know the words so much better than I do...

...but do you see what I mean? When you change the lyrics to meld into one another, to carry forth a thought, an idea, there is coherence, and that allows your audience to be lifted "into" your picture, rather than trying to make out what that picture is supposed to be. Unless you want your listener to be jolted back into thinking about 'where that came from' or 'how that line affects them (and the music you've created for this song doesn't feed that type of reaction) then carry that listener through and into your thoughts, make them see your picture or create their own stream of thoughts associated with your invitation/inspiration.

Truth is: you really do want your lyrics to take your reader for a ride. So take them.

Hope this helps (a little anyway)

:)
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shayman1
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shayman1
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10/06/2010 6:05 pm
Hey Victory
I wasn't ignoring you:) I have set the post so that I get notified when I have a reply..but I didn't, so I just checked back and saw you had replied, and don't worry I'm not easily offended and always open to suggestions. Why not? that's what I asked for!

I like the line 'Let our dreams collide', the actual line before is 'Come on for the ride' so 'Let our dreams collide' follows on quite nicely from that. Funnily enough I'm making the rock version recording this weekend so I'll try that line in there. I think it will sound better so thanks for that. You have some very good ideas I think:)
I'm glad you like the song though and I'll post a link to the fully recorded version.
Shayman
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Victory Hil
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Victory Hil
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10/06/2010 6:33 pm
Awesome!

I look forward to hearing your finished work!

God Bless!

:)
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mycar
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mycar
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10/12/2010 5:08 am
Personally, I like the guitar riff you use for the opening and throughout the song the most. Lyrics the least. Just my .o2.

Thank you for posting your work.
# 14

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