They jump around a bit. I tend to be into lyrics that are cohesive... I don't find these lyrics perfect yet. They need some work (if you ask me); however, there's lots of room for growth.
If you want to tell a story (boy meets girl for example) then tell a story. It doesn't have to be clear/fully expressed (meaning if you want to leave room for a person's imagination to run wild)it can/should be (in my estimation) abstract but needs to be cohesive.
Another thing I found... (and you don't have to listen to anything I say because I've only ever been musical because of my ear but...)
Your voice should wrap around the lyrics smoothly. I hear rough edges on some of your lines, gaps, places where the lyrics and the music don't glide but collide due to improper integration. All the lyrics should slither into each other softly, like they've been together forever, like they were made for each other... that (to me) makes for a great "hook". (I really liked the hook, but I found the word "suicide" distracting... it robbed my mind of the flowing image I might have enjoyed if there were another word there instead).
Sorry.
I mean this as a constructive criticism.
I "do" like the song idea. I really like the guitar.
:)
You can really make this song 'great' with a little bit of work.
;)
