I agree with looneytunes mostly. On the technical stuff anyway, not maybe as much on the philosophical stuff but the technical is what matters here.
It really didn't seem to have any rhythm or it would start one and then break it. It really felt all over the place, and not in a good way. and like looney said the rhyming was crazy, and you missused several words. The way you say things doesn't really make sense, particularly in the first part of the post (which I am guessing is the chorus).
I think paying attention to syllables would really help you. That is the first step to creating a rhythm. Then just pay close attention to the words you use and how they sound because that also can affect the rhythm. Rhyming (Looneytunes might disagree with me on this but this is just my opinion) is not always necessary. It can really help some things though. You can use it in interesting ways like to connect two ideas that my be seperated (not by lmuch though or they won't connect) and you can manipulate the flow with it.
If you want something to feel disjointed then do something similar to what you have already done but make it make sense. If you want some part of the song to feel faster or like it is flowing faster than the other parts break the rhyme scheme and rhyme several lines in a row. That can create an interesting effect, but this all also depends on how you sing or say it too. Things that rhyme start to flow together and create an easier feeling in a song yours rhymes sometimes but has no scheme or plan or pattern so the rhythm is nonexistent and the flow makes it very hard to read or even sing.
I have already mentioned that it doesn't really make sense the way you have said it. You say it is about dieing for your love but that is definitely not what it seems like. I can use the last few lines as an example.
For that one moment, everything was right
For that one moment, I lost my soul, inspiration, my own obligation
alright, you say "everything is right" and then all the sudden you say it isn't.
I think perhaps you are referring to separate moments but what you may not realize is that by repeating the phrase "for one moment" you are leading us to believe that it is the same moment, and there is the contrast in meanings that is very confusing.
like you are trying to say,"for one moment everything was right, but then I lost my soul, blah, blah blah" like that but thats not what you are saying.
Plus you are talking about dieing for someone you love. You need to take a stance on this, you seem to be all over the place with your feelings. If you want to seem conflicted then emphasize that, if you want it to seem like a noble thing then you really need to rewrite it with that in mind and lose all the weird stuff like loosing your soul and life bring pain. Like I said I have no issues with people writing about that stuff but you seem to be throwing it in there just to have it. If you want to say life brings pain you need to write a song about that, but don't just throw it in everywhere.
The idea that someone is dieing for someone they supposedly love but in some sort of selfishness they begin to regret it after it is too late or are being forced into this position unwillingly is kinda interesting. But you need to pick an idea and stick with it and really work on getting that idea across.
As far as communicating an idea goes though, I am in design school and in design message is god. You have a message and you use everything,
everything to communicate and emphasize that message. That part I completely agree with, but I think in lyrics and art and such it is ok to be ambiguous sometimes. as long as everything you do works together to communicate your message.
Cedric Bixler-Zavala is a great example of ambiguity while maintaining common themes and feelings. His lyrics hardly ever make sense but they always convey a feeling and they always work together. He is one of my favorites because his style is so unique and it allows him to word things in amazingly interesting ways. The concepts he develops with his lyrics are quite inspiring.
However he is really the only person I can think of who is really really ambiguous and still good. Paul Simon generally worked under some pretty thick layers of symbolism and metaphor but I wouldn't call his stuff ambiguous really.
But like I said all you really need is focus, and practice (who doesn't though).
My advice is to rewrite this (if you want) like looney said "for one moment" is interesting so start there maybe, or not. Just make sure you are working to communicate one message, even if that is ambiguous. Don't let yourself get distracted with other information. Cohesiveness is all important in communication which is what music really is.
Keep at it though, don't ever let any criticism deter your efforts, but make sure that you pay attention to what people say, thats really the best way to get better.
edit:
wow that ended up being long, but I use spaces alot so its not that bad,
please read though it cause I think it could help you and I spent the time
to write it.
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