a pantoum song

Here's a song i wrote that's in the poetry form of a pantoum. It seems to me a very beautiful acoustic song. Just so you know, Rush's "The Larger Bowl" is a pantoum and thats what inspired me to write this song:

Serene Thoughts
Raven Xalus

Dreaming of lullabies
In a guarded meadow
Looking for a place to go without you
I see nowhere to go

In a guarded meadow
Peace is my favorite feeling
I see nowhere to go
But stay here alone without you

Peace is my favorite feeling
Watching the birds fly through the sky
But stay here alone here without you
I just cannot stand it anymore

Watching the birds fly through the sky
I think of that night
I just cannot stand it anymore
Why oh why?

I think of that night
When my pain and sorrow meant nothing to me
Why oh why?
I can't erase my feelings

When my pain and sorrow meant nothing to me
It was a long time ago
I can't erase my feelings
By just sitting down in a meadow

It was a long time ago
When you were there and I was happy
By just sitting down in a meadow
The curse will not lift forever

I want to see you
But now you're gone forever
I can't think serene thoughts
I was born to die and I was waiting for a reason to live

I wasn't going to make anymore comments on this site, but this deserves attention. This shows your true writing abilities. I would bet that this took little effort for you to write that the words just came to you.

It is crisp and clean, and to the point. You make the reader feel your pain and sorrow without hatred and darkness, love shining bright. I must say it is very beautiful. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

Originally Posted by: SongmanI wasn't going to make anymore comments on this site, but this deserves attention. This shows your true writing abilities. I would bet that this took little effort for you to write that the words just came to you.

It is crisp and clean, and to the point. You make the reader feel your pain and sorrow without hatred and darkness, love shining bright. I must say it is very beautiful. I really enjoyed it. Keep up the good work.

Thank you for your comments, Songman, and you are right. It didn't take me much to write this. I just wrote it. That's how all my lyrics are. I tried to work out expressing sadness a different way, and I guess it worked. I don't really feel emotional writing a song, I just write. It's rare when something bad happens and I write about it. That may sound weird, but it never occurs to me that I could write a great song about something that happens to me. I just make up scenarios of my own that seem magical to me.

Anyway, Songman, I think you should stay on the site. It really is great. I respect all of your opinions. I just spaz out every now and then. :D Now, I want your opinions. I need constructive criticism. I wouldn't be this good now without it. Songman, this is a great place, we really love everyone staying and offering help, asking help, anything that you like. Keep commenting on my songs and anyother songs here. We really apreciate the help. Honestly, good or bad comment, we don't care as long as it helps. And you help us.

P.S, maybe I should write a song about Guy #1 who gets mad at Guy #2 for no apparent reason because he didn't like Guy 2's comments, and then they resolve the matter?

I think the problem is from guy #3.

Catchya Later!

u no what dont even answer that question I'm gonna write that song right now:

Friend of Mine
Raven Xalus

Friend of mine look in my eye
Turn around so I can see your face
It's beautiful our friendship
Ally of mine come raise your sword
Fight beside me so I can see
The heart inside is beating for me

Don't let this little dent in you heart
Tear us apart
I'm dying without you beside me
Wherever I looked you were there before
I would trade all the others away
Nothing else is worth you forever
You are my soul
You are the bread that feeds me

Come back let me live
It's hard to sleep knowing that you're gone
I'm tired of chasing you
Give me a reason that you won't come back
I know I've been harsh for while
But you know I miss you.

Why can't we be friends again?
It's not a big deal
I'm sorry if I hurt you
That day you left forever

Don't let this little dent in your heart
Tear us apart
I'm dying without you beside me
Wherever I looked you were there before
I would trade all the others away
Nothing else is worth you forever
You are my soul
You are the bread that feeds me

I call out your name from the highest mountains
Darkness takes me while you are gone
I'm screaming as loud as I can for you to come

Friend of mine look in my eye
Turn around so I can see your face
It's beautiful our friendship
Ally of mine come raise your sword
Fight beside me so I can see
The heart inside is beating for me

Don't let this little dent in your heart
Tear us apart
I'm dying without you beside me
Wherever I looked you were there before
I would trade all the others away
Nothing else is worth you forever
You are my soul
You are the bread that feeds me

Oh friend of mine
Oh friend of mine
Oh friend of mine
I'm calling forever to you

Ugh... I assume I'm the third guy... strike a nerve? I seriously don't think you should stop posting, I have no reason to carry out a discussion like that again so you can rest easy, though, I am not going to apologize for attempting to have a (two way) philosophical debate in a discussion forum. Whatever.

The songs seem alright. I always have a hard time picking up any sort of rhythm in just plain lyrics. Hearing it over music would help obviously.

Pantoum is interesting, I bet you could create some really interesting contexts and phrasings by doing a couple hundred lines of it. I think the song could benefit from a little more attention paid to the context, and and by using more interesting words, or phrasings to say the same things. changing simple words could solve a few of the contextual issues I'm seeing. ex:

By just sitting down in a meadow
The curse will not lift forever

why not...

By just sitting down in a meadow
That curse will not lift forever


It all depends on the music really which is why it is hard to critique it without music, it's just a bunch of words now and you can really say it anyway you want. IF you can fit music over it and it sounds good then awesome.

However changing "the" to "that" is just an example of how changing one simple word can help (or hurt) the context since, in this case it seems as though "the curse" is not being connected directly to "sitting down in a meadow" which is how I interpreted the meaning, and changing "the" to "that" I think would help connect the two lines better without breaking the pantoum structure.

Thats all I mean by context and wording and such.

Originally Posted by: Drew77
By just sitting down in a meadow
The curse will not lift forever

why not...

By just sitting down in a meadow
That curse will not lift forever

However changing "the" to "that" is just an example of how changing one simple word can help.

Or maybe even "this" curse will not lift forever?

Thanx for da help