Ok, so I'm starting another story... this time it's a little different

I watched.

God help me, I watched in silence, with the dumb, lazy interest of a child sprawling across my infant face. I was barely two; all I knew then was that mommy didn't wake up. I didn't know what they'd done. Couldn't see his horrid, twisting grin as they held her down. Violent shadows and muffled screams--in the doorway stands a stupidstaring toddler, a blanket in his hands, his head cocked to one side, mouth open just a crack. The impotence of children is disgusting.

I've been told since that it's a crime of power, not lust. A crime of power. A crime of weak and spineless men smokeslipping through the cracked first-floor windows in the middle of the night, their faces masked.

Pretty nice Jolly, I love the dark ambience and the intimacy of the moment, I reminds me of a movie script.

Do you have some more?... well, stupid question... you allways have more, I ask again, can you post some more? ;)

Originally Posted by: polanskyPretty nice Jolly, I love the dark ambience and the intimacy of the moment, I reminds me of a movie script.

Do you have some more?... well, stupid question... you allways have more, I ask again, can you post some more? ;)

When I finish writing it, I promise to post more. As it is, I'm just setting the background. The whole story came from an epitome I had today: a father-son conversation where the son asks "Dad, the other kids say there's no such thing as magic, is that true?" And the dad responds, "It's true, son. There's no such thing. That's why it's so important that you believe in magic."

Nice bro... I just dig so much this kind of story, kind of creepy, inocence lost stuff, cause they have this very deep reach in yor mind.

In general human mind gives so much to a history, it's easy to relate and sometimes can be pretty sick... just as people.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonI watched.

God help me, I watched in silence, with the dumb, lazy interest of a child sprawling across my infant face. I was barely two; all I knew then was that mommy didn't wake up. I didn't know what they'd done. Couldn't see his horrid, twisting grin as they held her down. Violent shadows and muffled screams--in the doorway stands a stupidstaring toddler, a blanket in his hands, his head cocked to one side, mouth open just a crack. The impotence of children is disgusting.

I've been told since that it's a crime of power, not lust. A crime of power. A crime of weak and spineless men smokeslipping through the cracked first-floor windows in the middle of the night, their faces masked.

Interesting, interesting...nice and dark. That's a fun mood to work in. Looking forward to seeing more as you continue (like always). In your second post, that conversation you heard reminds me of a story I wrote years ago called 'Magic and Dragons.' The basic nut of the story was that a man who doesn't believe that true love exists once had a woman explain to him that 'Love is a lot like magic and dragons...if you believe in it, it exists. If you don't, you'd never recognize it if you ever saw it." Some good lines but the story was weak, I ended up abandoning it after about the third re-write.

This is really good. Dark, and very deep. Can't wait to read the rest.

Originally Posted by: hunter60Interesting, interesting...nice and dark. That's a fun mood to work in. Looking forward to seeing more as you continue (like always). In your second post, that conversation you heard reminds me of a story I wrote years ago called 'Magic and Dragons.' The basic nut of the story was that a man who doesn't believe that true love exists once had a woman explain to him that 'Love is a lot like magic and dragons...if you believe in it, it exists. If you don't, you'd never recognize it if you ever saw it." Some good lines but the story was weak, I ended up abandoning it after about the third re-write.

That's a pretty similar idea, Nick. Actually, though, I think that "if you believe in it, it exists" won't be in my story. But I'd rather focus on something about believing in beauty that will never exist, that can never exist, but believing because we must believe. I'm not sure how I'll be able to do this in something other than novel form, but I'd prefer to keep this a short story... We'll be looking into the speaker's life later on, and we'll see the effects his experience has had on him psychologically. I'm looking forward to writing something a little easier to understand. I'm also looking forward to hearing what acapella and earthman think of it.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonThat's a pretty similar idea, Nick. Actually, though, I think that "if you believe in it, it exists" won't be in my story. But I'd rather focus on something about believing in beauty that will never exist, that can never exist, but believing because we must believe. I'm not sure how I'll be able to do this in something other than novel form, but I'd prefer to keep this a short story... We'll be looking into the speaker's life later on, and we'll see the effects his experience has had on him psychologically. I'm looking forward to writing something a little easier to understand. I'm also looking forward to hearing what acapella and earthman think of it.

You're right. Tough idea to sell in a short piece. Not impossible but tough. So... write the novel. C'mon, it's not like you're doing anything else, right? :D Just kidding. A novel is a major time committment and with college and all, that's an awful lot to put on your plate.

I really like the idea of believing because we 'must' believe. How very Nietzsche of you hehe...And here I thought you were more a fan of the Irish Modernists and here you are going down the path of those merry German "existentialist" philosophers (I'm just kidding, you know that...) I like the start and I am looking forward to seeing more.

Oh yeah, what happened with 'Thomas'? Did you send him out? Your fans eagerly await news.

Originally Posted by: hunter60You're right. Tough idea to sell in a short piece. Not impossible but tough. So... write the novel. C'mon, it's not like you're doing anything else, right? :D Just kidding. A novel is a major time committment and with college and all, that's an awful lot to put on your plate.

I really like the idea of believing because we 'must' believe. How very Nietzsche of you hehe...And here I thought you were more a fan of the Irish Modernists and here you are going down the path of those merry German "existentialist" philosophers (I'm just kidding, you know that...) I like the start and I am looking forward to seeing more.

Oh yeah, what happened with 'Thomas'? Did you send him out? Your fans eagerly await news.

Most of those Irish Modernists are big on those German existentialists, haha.

Thomas has been sent out, I'll let you guys know if I meet with success, but I think I'll avoid posting all the rejections, haha!

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonMost of those Irish Modernists are big on those German existentialists, haha.

Thomas has been sent out, I'll let you guys know if I meet with success, but I think I'll avoid posting all the rejections, haha!

Yeah, I suppose you're right. Idea for a t-shirt: Picture of Nietzsche and underneath it sez: "Existentialists, like old whores, don't giggle much..."

Originally Posted by: hunter60Yeah, I suppose you're right. Idea for a t-shirt: Picture of Nietzsche and underneath it sez: "Existentialists, like old whores, don't giggle much..."

Yeah, that would fly off the shelves :rolleyes:

Jolly...hang on, I'll post something right away. I'm going to read it a few times first.

I'm gonna refrain from commenting until it's more of a story, I think. It'll be much easier to talk about.

Originally Posted by: Jolly McJollysonI watched.

God help me, I watched in silence, with the dumb, lazy interest of a child sprawling across my infant face. I was barely two; all I knew then was that mommy didn't wake up. I didn't know what they'd done. Couldn't see his horrid, twisting grin as they held her down. Violent shadows and muffled screams--in the doorway stands a stupidstaring toddler, a blanket in his hands, his head cocked to one side, mouth open just a crack. The impotence of children is disgusting.

I've been told since that it's a crime of power, not lust. A crime of power. A crime of weak and spineless men smokeslipping through the cracked first-floor windows in the middle of the night, their faces masked.

I was thinking maybe you should have seperated the second sentence into two.
"I watched.

God help me, I watched. I watched in silence, with the dumb, lazy interest of a child sprawling across my infant face."
I thought that it might have a bit of a stronger effect that way. Maybe a bit more emotional. Just a thought though.

I liked how it changed tense in the middle of the paragraph. It gave me the feeling that the narrator was reliving the event while he told it, which adds to the emotion of the piece, in my opinion. The description of the child is very good...the "dumb, lazy interest," "infant face," "mouth open just a crack", all of these things give me a good impression of the child as painfully ignorant of what is going on, and even though this is expected of a child it makes me share the anger and disgust of the narrator at his child-self. The blanket in his hands is also a very good image. A blanket, the traditional symbol of children's security against imagined dangers. Here he holds it as he dumbly watches his mother's rape and murder. There's some really good, strong imagery here, it's putting a very good picture in my mind, and the emotion is intense and believable as well. As you well know, I look forward to when you put up some more. No complaints...yet. :)

Originally Posted by: hunter60Yeah, I suppose you're right. Idea for a t-shirt: Picture of Nietzsche and underneath it sez: "Existentialists, like old whores, don't giggle much..."

I want to apologize for this post. I was a little wound up last night. Long story and not worth telling. Sorry. I should not compare German philosophers to 'old whores'. I have too much respect for old wh...alright, see. Again. Sorry.