Two new song lyrics

Here are the words for two of my songs that, someday, you will hear. Tell me what you think.

[U]Spiral Down[/U]
Verse 1:
I can only do what
I can do to make it
Look like I'm doing
All I can for you
To think that I've improved
Over time
And I can only focus
On one thing so
I don't really care if
Everything is
Quite the way you hoped itwould be
Over time

Verse 2:
You can only do what's
Best for you and I
Wish that I could do the same
And I'll take everything
I love and watch it
Spiral down the drain

The chorus is just
Spiral Down (you spiral down)
Spiral Down (what more can I say)
Spiral Down (I spiral down)
Spiral Down (you throw it away)

The parts in brackets come in on the second and third chorus after four bars. It works. Then there's and ending thing that goes

When the dust is settled and gone
And when it all is said an done

Eye Candy

Verse 1:
You want to know just what I'll do
I want to know what is the truth
You want me, I don't know why
Eye candy, a sweet surprise

Verse 2
I want to know where will you go
You want to start but I'll take it slow
You want me back and I don't know why
Eye candy, a sweet surprise

Chorus:
You go away again, you go away and you leave me
You go away again, you come back, will you free me?
You gone away again, you go away and you relieve me
You go away again, are you comin' back, will you release me?

Both of these songs are very kick-ass, and when you hear them you will squeal in glee. We've worked together on them and they rock your socks off. I just want to know what you think of the words. If you like them or not though, trust me these are some rockin' tunes.

i dont like it that much. i guess i dont know what it sounds like, but the words are not that poetic. you should post the songs up here. what style of music is it?

[QUOTE=acapella]Here are the words for two of my songs that, someday, you will hear. Tell me what you think.

[U]Spiral Down[/U]
Verse 1:
I can only do what
I can do to make it
Look like I'm doing
All I can for you


When the dust is settled and gone
And when it all is said an done


Chorus:
You go away again, you go away and you leave me
You go away again, you come back, will you free me?
You gone away again, you go away and you relieve me
You go away again, are you comin' back, will you release me?

QUOTE]

I like the spacing you used (I'm looking at it as poetry, since I can't hear the melody) in that part of the first verse of spiral down. This makes a cliche statement seem more interesting, but it's not cliche enough to bother me too bad.
The last line of spiraling down I like. The combining of those two commonly used phrases is interesting, but I'm not sure if they have been used together before. It looks familiar, but oh well.

The chorus in eye candy is toooooo repetitive. I haven't heard it, but maybe you make the chorus so simple because it's musically complex. If that's not the case you might want to consider changing it up a bit.

Originally Posted by: lifeis@songi dont like it that much. i guess i dont know what it sounds like, but the words are not that poetic. you should post the songs up here. what style of music is it?[/QUOTE]
I agree, I should. I will when I can. Judging by the amount of times I used the phrase "rocks" I think you can guess what the style is.

[QUOTE=iiholly]I like the spacing you used (I'm looking at it as poetry, since I can't hear the melody) in that part of the first verse of spiral down. This makes a cliche statement seem more interesting, but it's not cliche enough to bother me too bad.

Actually, that clever spacing continues on further. It's designed that way, to make you think it ends on "for you", because in the song there's actually a bit of a pause there. But it actually is supposed to go further, so it's "for you to think that..."

The last line of spiraling down I like. The combining of those two commonly used phrases is interesting, but I'm not sure if they have been used together before. It looks familiar, but oh well.

I really have no idea if that's been done before. I didn't think much about that part, I needed an ending and it seemed to fit.

The chorus in eye candy is toooooo repetitive. I haven't heard it, but maybe you make the chorus so simple because it's musically complex. If that's not the case you might want to consider changing it up a bit.

I guess that's a matter of personal opinion. From a poetic perspective, it is pretty boring. But in the sense of a song, where the chorus is based on a catchy riff, it seems to work well to keep things simple. If I did change it I would probably change the beginning part as minimally as I vary the second part, like
You go away again, ******
Bring me another friend, ******
You go away again, ******
Tell me that it's the end, ******
Actually now that I think of it maybe I will do something along those lines. Something a bit more lyrical maybe. Thanks for the critisism, apparently it has helped me after all.

I like it it can be considered many things it brought many thoughts to my mind its deep i <3 it :D

Originally Posted by: mdaddictI like it it can be considered many things it brought many thoughts to my mind its deep i <3 it :D

Well, thanks for the compliments. I didn't think anybody would refer to my songs as deep. They at least come from the heart. With the exception of the Eye Candy chorus, anyway.

hey,
i think the lyrics are very oetic, wat inspired you?
i think its deep and the words flow together so the song will get great,
get some gigs, display the song and great things will come,

onther guiterist

Thanks tugce. To tell you the truth, I wrote these songs while I was giving my goats water. But when I think back on it, subconciously they related to stuff that was going on at the time. Nothing I want to get into now, I wrote the songs and now I can let it die.