Lyrics for my song....

(samples play for 2 minutes)

(first verse: solo piano)
All My Life I have been lost
Nowhere to look around
I find you here about to go away
You make no sound
If I could have things my way....
If i could have known
everything would be okay
please don't go

(chorus: full instruments)
Please...No
Please Don't Go
And if you go
you'll find me here all alone

(second verse: full instruments)
And life...End life
a sort of speaking
Once won...but now gone
the future is bleak in me
Why can't i stop
Why must i have you here?
The only thing i have left
But the end darwing near....so please dont go...

(chorus: full instruments)
Please...No...
Please Don't Go
And If you go
You'll find me here all alone
All alone
and if you go
find me here all alone.....

ALL ALONE!PLEASE DONT GO! ALL ALONE!! DONT GO DONT GOOOOOOOOOOOOO

(bridge:full)
they all shun me
no one loves me
so much hate me
all have left me
you have left me....
they all shun me
no one loves me
so much hate me
all have left me
and you.....
no....

(solos and interlude)

Please....No...
Please don't go
and if you go
you'll find me here all alone
Please...No...
Please don't go
and if you goooooo
you'll find me...FIND ME FIND ME HERE ALL ALONE
ALL ALONE ALL ALONE ALL ALONE YOU'LL FIND ME HERE ALL ALONE!!!!!!!!ALOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!oh

(coda: solo acoustic guitar)

Please...No....
I'll be all alone...
Please Don't Go....

(end)

All in all its like 8 minutes long so yea im going to try to play all the samples and stuff an fully arrange it and write but that will take me a while...give me feedback on it....

I think 2 minutes of intro samples would lose a lot of people.

I couldn't listen to that much.

I don't like it; I'll tell you why, though. It seems to me that 99% of songwriters write mostly about love, and love loss, and the whole topic of love. Love is the most over-used and abused topic to write songs about, and i simply don't see the major creative spark in the lyrics. Nothing sparks out and says "hm, nice lyric".

Certain lyrics jump out at you, like this one:

"If you choose not to decide
you still have made a choice"

or

"Everything you gather
is just more that you can lose"

See what I mean?

Now, that being said, if you change it a little bit, put some clever lines in there, it could be pretty decent. Work on the lyrics, I've seen alot worse than those.

~Incidents

[Edited by Incidents Happen on 08-27-2003 at 12:29 AM]

Too commonplace. I imagine a greesy Bon jovi thing behind it. I guess that is not too much of constructive criticism but I guess you have to read more listen more and generally expand your views and then you will be ready to make much better lyrics.

*nods*

there is not very much substance in it - you can basically reduce it to a dude whos bitching about his chick vanishing.
a bit more.. well.. insight maybe. some rememberable lines that have a deeper meaning.
if i may give you a hint, then go and search the net for the band "Skyclad" and their lyrics - i have hardly ever seen lyrics with so many remarkable lines and deep meanings.

here´s an example (althoug it is not a love-song)

Inequality Street

Life's really a chocolate box-
some do without - others have plenty.
It sticks in my throat - my stomach's in knots,
while your box is so full - mine's perpetually empty.
From the cradle to the grave,
point your ladle to the gravy.
"Food comes first, then morals" they say,
the end of the world's three hot meals away.
Two average men eat their average meals
but destiny waits at their table.
One is served gruel while the other chews veal,
(But they're both spoon fed lies from the cradle).
Life's really a chocolate box -
some do without - others have plenty.
It sticks in my throat - my stomach's in knots,
while your box is so full - mine's perpetually empty.
Tragic moments for the masses -
work is the curse of the drinking classes
'homo homini lupus' we cry -
humanity fades like the moon in the sky.
You can't cook an omelette without breaking eggs,
(first they are cracked and then beaten).
The only things cracked around here are our heads,
recipies for disaster that we keep repeating.
Life's really a chocolate box -
some do without - others have plenty.
It sticks in my throat - my stomach's in knots,
while your box is so full - mine's perpetually empty.
Here's a real beggars banquet,
a brace of rats in a blood stained blanket
meanwhile, gentlefolk high in their chateau,
dip silver spoons into black forest gateau.
Come lords and ladies - raise glasses in toast
to the 'other - half' dying to eat.
'Cause they who receive least deserve it the most,
it's a literal dead - end (Inequality Street).

-------

thats what i call realy well-written lyrics

That song makes me hungry, all that chocolate talk and gravy, omelets....mmmmmmm

Gotta go eat!

I'm not too big on the lyrics. There's not much to say, everyone else covered their opinions.
I'd have to hear HOW it is sung before passing real judgment.

you know...I'd like to say that your lyrics are overplayed, and that I agree with these guys...but I can't help thinking, "At least he didn't write:

BLOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY HOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY SPOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME YOUTH!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME TRUUUUUUUUUTTTHHHH!!!!

BLOOD: IT'S HEALTHY STUFF!
BLOOD: IT'S NOT TOO GRUFF!
BLOOD: IT LIVES INSIDE!
BLOOD: YOU CANNOT HIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(tapping solo)

Originally posted by Number of the Beast
you know...I'd like to say that your lyrics are overplayed, and that I agree with these guys...but I can't help thinking, "At least he didn't write:

BLOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY HOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY SPOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME YOUTH!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME TRUUUUUUUUUTTTHHHH!!!!

BLOOD: IT'S HEALTHY STUFF!
BLOOD: IT'S NOT TOO GRUFF!
BLOOD: IT LIVES INSIDE!
BLOOD: YOU CANNOT HIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(tapping solo)

I totally agree man, some people go way overboard on some lyrics. Thank god this guy didn't.

Originally posted by Number of the Beast
you know...I'd like to say that your lyrics are overplayed, and that I agree with these guys...but I can't help thinking, "At least he didn't write:

BLOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY HOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY SPOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME YOUTH!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME TRUUUUUUUUUTTTHHHH!!!!

BLOOD: IT'S HEALTHY STUFF!
BLOOD: IT'S NOT TOO GRUFF!
BLOOD: IT LIVES INSIDE!
BLOOD: YOU CANNOT HIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(tapping solo)

What song is that?

O yea and guys, just so you know, my song isn't necesarilly about love its about being alone for the rest of the life because that good things have evaded you and people are leaving you and its just basically about the pain of loneliness and how people do that to others...

but i know it still needs ALOT of work (as with alot of the stuff i write which is usually a little more hardcore) so ok

Originally posted by The Other One

Originally posted by Number of the Beast
you know...I'd like to say that your lyrics are overplayed, and that I agree with these guys...but I can't help thinking, "At least he didn't write:

BLOOOOODDDDDDDD!!!!!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY HOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO PAINT MY SPOUSE!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME YOUTH!
I NEED BLOOD TO BRING ME TRUUUUUUUUUTTTHHHH!!!!

BLOOD: IT'S HEALTHY STUFF!
BLOOD: IT'S NOT TOO GRUFF!
BLOOD: IT LIVES INSIDE!
BLOOD: YOU CANNOT HIIIIIIIIIIIIDDDEEE!!!

YEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

(tapping solo)

What song is that?

I think he just made it up to make fun of the black metal stuff.

exactly

I liked the song it was a pretty good play on words.

Other One's Sig
You all stare but you'll never see..theres something inside me.... "

Don't say that in prison!

~Incidents

Okay, I'll actually read the song this time...okay, I think it's mediocre, but it definitely needs work. The words "all alone" should not make up the entire song. I dunno, it just didn't click with me. you may want to start with the same idea and theme, but wipe the slate clean...sorry, but sometimes that's gotta happen.

Will you be singing "Please don't go" with the same vocal melody as KWS?

"Please don't go... please don't go... babe, I want you to know, that I'm gonna miss your love, the minute you walk out that door, please don't go"

Wow, brings back warm, fuzzy memories of Grade 7!

You have to consider that a lot of main stream music have lyrics that could've of been written by a seventh grader.

Personally, I can't decide until I hear the music.
There's a lot of great songs with mediocre lyrics.
Although I'd say that when someone does quote lyrics to a song in print, it's usually because they have something profound in them, are extremely well written or have a way of using the english language that nobody's done before.
Your lyrics might be great with an amazingly recorded backing track giving the mood, but to an 80's Bon Jovi sound, it'd probably come of as being kinda corny.

Originally posted by iamthe_eggman
Will you be singing "Please don't go" with the same vocal melody as KWS?

"Please don't go... please don't go... babe, I want you to know, that I'm gonna miss your love, the minute you walk out that door, please don't go"

Wow, brings back warm, fuzzy memories of Grade 7!

LMAO I remember that one! It was number 1 on the charts here in england for 6 weeks back when it first came out....it's still a favrourite in nightclubs that play cheese :D