Start of lyrics for a song

Now this is the very rough beginnings of a song i was messing around with. So read it and tell me what you think. Also I can't think of a guitar riff to go with it so help would be greatly appreciated.

Mind Disease(may be the title)
I feel trapped inside a cage
A cage I cannot see
It's deep within my mind
Eating away at me
These demons in my head
They won't let me be
These demons in my head
They are really me

(Then me and a friend were messing around with a few lines that could go in the song somewhere else maybe.)

1.Give me more drugs to kill this pain
This worlds ****ed up and It's driving me insane

2.I see these walls there closing in on me
I feel so very small against this mind disease

Ok. This reply is meant to be constructive.
The overall vibe that i get from seeing those lyrics is pretty good. But they still need work.

Yeah i know they need work thats why i posted them now to see if anyone liked the beginning of what I've wrote so far. Thanks for your input though.

Your lyrics aren't a bad start. Try to use more word choice to make them more visual .i.e. instead of saying "they are really me" try something like "they exist withen me". O and if you can please give me some feedback on my lyrics as well.


[Edited by Guitarlove9090 on 06-30-2003 at 04:34 PM]

I'm sorry, but I don't understand the negative-style of lyrics that people use today.

Everything seems to be "I"m locked in a cage, i can't get out, i'm going to die, help me out", things like that, what happened to "Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies..." ?

Originally posted by Incidents Happen
I'm sorry, but I don't understand the negative-style of lyrics that people use today.

Everything seems to be "I"m locked in a cage, i can't get out, i'm going to die, help me out", things like that, what happened to "Look straight ahead, nothin' but blue skies..." ?

The hippies are dead I guess. No offense to hippies. ;) Next guess would be umm, Nirvana. They pretty much made writting depressing lyrics 'cool'. Now if you write about blue skies and fairies your probably gonna be labeled a f@g. Unless there is some cool abstract meaning to it.

About the lyrics there cool, but I would suggest using less phrases on one meaning. I know that's what the song is about but it should have a beginning and an end, and it should progress naturally. To me your doesn't. Try drifting yourself into the mental state the perpective of the song is in, and explain what you feel, see, hear, whatever. Don't tell me about it, write words that will make me see and feel what you feel. And for the music just try to think up a basic theme for the mood of the song, then ride with that.

notingthemistake, it sounds like you're a rather good songwriter, from the advice you've given people.

By the way...
Alot of people on these boards think I'm some forty year old hippie thats starting to bald...Not quite, I'm a 15 year old kid. "Grizzled Veteran" doesn't help the age, either! :D

I'm ok I guess. I know what u mean by the name, i thought u were alittle older too. I think some people think im a dick because of my name, "noticingthemistake" sounds kind of critical and uptight. "I'm not really really like that, I'm a good person". Hahaha

I like the name, its easy to remember. Mine is relatively easy to remember, too.

There are alot of names on these boards that are household names for me (PonyOne, Rask, Lordathestrings, James, educatedfilm, kingdavid, Dr. Simon, lal, Jon Broderick, Azrael, schmange, etc).

I'd like to know, if somebody said any of these names in the streets, if you'd say "hey! I recognize that name from GuitarTricks!", because I certainly would.