Hey, this is my 1st song, can i have some advise/feedback plz?


couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
07/05/2007 9:02 pm
[U]Untitled[/U]

Words and names plastered to my face,
None which are my own,
All my broken hopes and dreams,
Have left out the window.

Theres no fear in sight,
I'm gonna be alright,
As long as your here with me,
I'll be just fine.

Chorus:
Whe you look into my eyes,
I know i'll be set free,
From all my cares and worries,
That always seem to bother me.
*Nothing can go wrong, it seems oh so right,
Nothing can ruin my night tonight.*

Every stereotype is just someone,
Telling me who they think I am,
But that don't matter to me,
'Cause I know who I wanna be,

When I see you smilin' at me,
I know that your oh so proud of me,
You support me for me,
'Cause you love me.

Chorus




End.
**This is pretty much my 1st song, so i'm not that good yet. If anyone wants to see more, just say. Thanks everyone**
MY(this space intentionally left blank)EARS
# 1
DAMAGED ONE
Registered User
Joined: 01/22/06
Posts: 894
DAMAGED ONE
Registered User
Joined: 01/22/06
Posts: 894
07/06/2007 8:22 pm
I liked it, Simple and to the point. :D
The Mind Is A Terrible Think To Waste.
# 2
jeffhx
Disco Bandit
Joined: 12/20/05
Posts: 1,929
jeffhx
Disco Bandit
Joined: 12/20/05
Posts: 1,929
07/06/2007 10:49 pm
not bad for a first try buddy! short and simple indeed...you dont want to try cramming too many words in sometimes...keep on at it...
[FONT=Impact]grooviest tunes ever [/FONT]
# 3
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
07/06/2007 10:51 pm
:D thanks you guys!
MY(this space intentionally left blank)EARS
# 4
hunter60
Humble student
Joined: 06/12/05
Posts: 1,579
hunter60
Humble student
Joined: 06/12/05
Posts: 1,579
07/08/2007 12:52 am
Kudos on a fine initial effort! Simple and direct. Way to go. :)
[FONT=Tahoma]"All I can do is be me ... whoever that is". Bob Dylan [/FONT]
# 5
longliverock83
Registered User
Joined: 06/21/07
Posts: 90
longliverock83
Registered User
Joined: 06/21/07
Posts: 90
07/08/2007 7:26 pm
nice song dude!!
Rock & Roll will never die.
# 6
Kole_Music
Registered User
Joined: 02/26/06
Posts: 88
Kole_Music
Registered User
Joined: 02/26/06
Posts: 88
07/09/2007 3:31 am
Couleeridge,

Not to bad for your first song...I see some great potential. However, there are a few things that could help this song and your songwriting abilities in general.

1. Your rhyming doesn't have any basic form or structure. It's ok to have a song mostly composed of flowing lyrics without any solid rhyming pattern, but odd placement and word choices tend to degrade from the overall effectiveness of the song.

2. The amount of syllables you place in each line are random. This usually makes it difficult to keep your vocal phrases consistent and coherent.

All in all though, I believe this is quite good for the first time. Good job.

Peace

P.S. If you would like some additional help or have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at [email]Kole@Kolemusician.com[/email]
-Kole (Kyle Hicks)
http://www.KoleMusician.com
http://www.myspace.com/kolemusic

Composer, Guitarist, Instructor.
# 7
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
07/09/2007 4:16 am
wow! thanks!
MY(this space intentionally left blank)EARS
# 8
guitarmaster97
Registered User
Joined: 07/13/07
Posts: 11
guitarmaster97
Registered User
Joined: 07/13/07
Posts: 11
07/13/2007 3:39 pm
[pretty good if you ask me :) :)
for those about to rock we salute you.
# 9
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
07/20/2007 2:37 am
thanks!!! :)
MY(this space intentionally left blank)EARS
# 10
jnieto
Registered User
Joined: 07/18/07
Posts: 1
jnieto
Registered User
Joined: 07/18/07
Posts: 1
07/20/2007 5:08 am
hey the was pretty good, shows a message that no one can see but it shows it as a mirage of fear and love. Keep on writeing your good
# 11
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
couleeridge
Registered User
Joined: 07/05/07
Posts: 13
07/22/2007 4:44 am
aww thanks so much!
MY(this space intentionally left blank)EARS
# 12

Please register with a free account to post on the forum.