Couleeridge,

Not to bad for your first song...I see some great potential. However, there are a few things that could help this song and your songwriting abilities in general.

1. Your rhyming doesn't have any basic form or structure. It's ok to have a song mostly composed of flowing lyrics without any solid rhyming pattern, but odd placement and word choices tend to degrade from the overall effectiveness of the song.

2. The amount of syllables you place in each line are random. This usually makes it difficult to keep your vocal phrases consistent and coherent.

All in all though, I believe this is quite good for the first time. Good job.

Peace

P.S. If you would like some additional help or have any questions, feel free to e-mail me at [email]Kole@Kolemusician.com[/email]