I never name my songs

The other night I stayed up until 2:30 trying to come up with decent words for this music I had figured out. It turned out pretty awful, so I re-wrote it entirely in about 15 minutes before band practice. We played the song and it didn't turn out very well, but I still think the lyrics are alright. I might edit them a bit, but first I want to see what you think.

Yeah we're better off alone
we can stand just fine alone
when put to the test, the best
tend to resemble stone

Take a stab with what you've got
make your move or be forgot
if you always bet to win, all in
you might get what you want
And you call it a life?

Why don't you kick off, and leave me be
I'll find a new way to motivate my needs
so take a step back and validate me please

Mobilizing every day
synthesizing DNA
you can throw out every week, and speak
without a thing to say

Take a stab with what you've got
make your move or be forgot
when you're living to be whipped, beat
you might get what you want
And you call it a life?

Why don't you kick off, and leave me be
I'll find a new way to motivate my needs
so take a step back and validate me please

Yeah, it's fine. Ignore me.

They're sexy man. My puny brain will need translation though.

Somehow... to me, it doesn't seem really genuine. The lyrics are good and tey fit a set rhythm... It just doesn't seem like you're really in it though... It's hard to explain. I get the message and I can sense some emotion but it just seems hollow to me. They're good though... I can't explain whats missing... Just seems like there is something.

My lyrics get ignored a lot too... haha. But it's more for storing purposes so I can come back to them... haha. Keep chuggin away on that one It seems like you have a really good start.

Originally Posted by: aschlemanSomehow... to me, it doesn't seem really genuine. The lyrics are good and tey fit a set rhythm... It just doesn't seem like you're really in it though... It's hard to explain. I get the message and I can sense some emotion but it just seems hollow to me. They're good though... I can't explain whats missing... Just seems like there is something.

My lyrics get ignored a lot too... haha. But it's more for storing purposes so I can come back to them... haha. Keep chuggin away on that one It seems like you have a really good start.

Good call, aschleman. I wouldn't say it isn't genuine, necessarily, because I do mean what I said. However, these were kind of forced lyrics, so maybe that's what gave you the impression it did. Like I said, I wrote everything but the chorus in 15 minutes (which is a new record for me).

Originally Posted by: earthman buckGood call, aschleman. I wouldn't say it isn't genuine, necessarily, because I do mean what I said. However, these were kind of forced lyrics, so maybe that's what gave you the impression it did. Like I said, I wrote everything but the chorus in 15 minutes (which is a new record for me).

Yeah, that probably is it. The lyrics are good... I just think that's probably one of those songs that needs the music to fully convey the feelings or the tonal mood. Now that I read them again... I kind of like how it feels mechanical... Would make a good metal song. Or a mixture.... Start slow with clean tones and/or acoustic guitar... or acoustic with a melodic lead ala "Fade to Black" for this part:

Yeah we're better off alone
we can stand just fine alone
when put to the test, the best
tend to resemble stone

Then slowly build it up each set of lines a bit more with some power chords until you kick the acoustic guitar completly out for the:

Mobilizing every day
synthesizing DNA
you can throw out every week, and speak
without a thing to say

Which is the center of the song pretty much.... Use it as a climax and then slow it back down and play the second "Why don't you kick off...." soft like the first set of lines.... That would be a cool song. That's how I would arrange it but it's your song!!