opinions on this?

hey guys, i can't remember the last time i posted something here, wow.

ok, so i woke up one morning and wrote this, what you think?

falling to the floor, from hearing
three words, nothing more, saying
she told me, she said "she really likes you"

now i'm on the phone, and talking, bout
waffle ice cream cones, just rambling
until i say i've loved talking today

and then i ask her if she's free
tomorrow to grab a cup of coffee, with me
then she gasps and whispers back
three words, i'd like that

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i'd like that, now i
like you can't do any more for me
but its ok
because she said "i'd like that"

now a couple dates, have gone by
nothing much has changed, but now i
think about her all the time all day and night

now in our daily conversation
i tell her she's my sole obsession
she gasps again, begins to mew,
and says "i think about you too."

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i'm thinking bout you, now i'd
like that can't do any more for me
but its ok
because she's "thinking bout me"

weeks, months, a year has gone by
i love her here, i love my life and
i think i've fallen in love with her tonight

so tonight i'm gonna tell her
those three words, how i feel about her
she nearly breaks down after "you"
and whispers that she loves me too

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i love you, now i'm thinking
bout you can't do any more for me
but its ok
coz she's in love with me

say it
say it twice
openly, not a message in disguise
say you love me
pledge your heart to mine

no more
no more words
left to describe us, its absurd
i wish love had another level
because love just can't say how i feel

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i love you, but i'm thinking
i love you no longer works for me

now i'm running
now i'm running from my mouth
my words have trapped me, i can't get out
all thats left to say
is i hate you.
leave and don't come back.
i wish we'd left it at i'd like that.

any tips, pointers, changes to lines, etc welcome.

thanks in advance,

g-rant

damn nice ending there if i do say so myself, what exactly made him change his mind, because it doesn't seem to easy to spot in the lyrics, then again, it could just be me, but nice lyrics man, very nice.

"waffle ice cream cones, just rambling"

You should add more lines like that. It may not make sense to the reader but implies you're letting something personal out. Don't be so vague.

Word.

Originally Posted by: iiholly"waffle ice cream cones, just rambling"

You should add more lines like that. It may not make sense to the reader but implies you're letting something personal out. Don't be so vague.

Word.

Yes.

I also liked "she gasps again, begins to mew" because 'mew' is a strange word I don't see very much. It really helps one imagine things when you put words like that in.

I had a heard time picking up the rhythm at first but once I got to the "now i'm falling" part... I finally picked it up and it flowed after that... up until the "no more words..." part... it seemed to break the rhythm since it didn't rhyme like the others...

I don't know if it's what you're going for but the whole time I was singing it in a very Pop'ish up-beat, acoustic style voice. Not to bad at all.

Polish some of the other lines and put some music to it, I'd love to hear it.

Originally Posted by: g----ranthey guys, i can't remember the last time i posted something here, wow.

ok, so i woke up one morning and wrote this, what you think?

falling to the floor, from hearing
three words, nothing more, saying
she told me, she said "she really likes you"

now i'm on the phone, and talking, bout
waffle ice cream cones, just rambling
until i say i've loved talking today

and then i ask her if she's free
tomorrow to grab a cup of coffee, with me
then she gasps and whispers back
three words, i'd like that

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i'd like that, now i
like you can't do any more for me
but its ok
because she said "i'd like that"

now a couple dates, have gone by
nothing much has changed, but now i
think about her all the time all day and night

now in our daily conversation
i tell her she's my sole obsession
she gasps again, begins to mew,
and says "i think about you too."

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i'm thinking bout you, now i'd
like that can't do any more for me
but its ok
because she's "thinking bout me"

weeks, months, a year has gone by
i love her here, i love my life and
i think i've fallen in love with her tonight

so tonight i'm gonna tell her
those three words, how i feel about her
she nearly breaks down after "you"
and whispers that she loves me too

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i love you, now i'm thinking
bout you can't do any more for me
but its ok
coz she's in love with me

say it
say it twice
openly, not a message in disguise
say you love me
pledge your heart to mine

no more
no more words
left to describe us, its absurd
i wish love had another level
because love just can't say how i feel

now i'm falling
now i'm falling off my feet
she said i love you, but i'm thinking
i love you no longer works for me

now i'm running
now i'm running from my mouth
my words have trapped me, i can't get out
all thats left to say
is i hate you.
leave and don't come back.
i wish we'd left it at i'd like that.

any tips, pointers, changes to lines, etc welcome.

thanks in advance,

g-rant

Great lyric. Had to read twice to get my head round it. One thing i might suggest is line count. If you take it as verse through verse to end each verse really needs the same number of lines wether or not they have the same number of sylables. This would make writing as a song easier. You could of course use this as a piece of expressionist poetry and set it to some back ground music. Now that would be cool.