well..i'm new, too...


Kindsoul
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Joined: 07/12/05
Posts: 3
Kindsoul
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Joined: 07/12/05
Posts: 3
07/12/2005 1:26 pm
Hello,

I am new to songwriting. I love to write. This is the first song that I have written. Let me know if there's any changes required. I am quite shy about my work but I believe there is always room for improvement. Thanks

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED ME RIGHT FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED ME AND SET ME APART.

THE DAY HE CAME INTO MY TROUBLED LIFE,
HE CAME WITH PEACE IN MY HEART.
THE DAY I STARTED BELIEVING IN HIM,
I TURNED AWAY FROM THE DARK.

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED ME RIGHT FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED ME AND SET ME APART.

HE BROUGHT ME OUT OF THE MIRY CLAY
AND CHANGED MY LIFE THAT DAY.
I PUT MY TRUST IN THE COMING KING
FOR HE ONCE DIED FOR ME. (DON’T YOU KNOW THAT)

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED ME RIGHT FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED ME AND SET ME APART.
# 1
Jolly McJollyson
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Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
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Posts: 5,457
07/12/2005 7:52 pm
Somebody may want to seperate this song into a different thread since the current has the command "sit the **** down."
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 2
Jolly McJollyson
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Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
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Posts: 5,457
07/12/2005 8:06 pm
Originally Posted by: KindsoulHello,

I am new to songwriting. I love to write. This is the first song that I have written. Let me know if there's any changes required. I am quite shy about my work but I believe there is always room for improvement. Thanks

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED [U]US ALL[/U] FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED [U]US[/U] AND SET [U]US[/U] APART.

THE DAY HE CAME INTO [U]OUR TROUBLED WORLD[/U],
HE CAME WITH [U]PEACE FOR THE LAND[/U].
THE DAY [U]THAT MAN'S UNAVOIDABLE SIN[/U],
WAS [U]DEALT A LOSING HAND[/U].

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED [U]US ALL[/U] FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED [U]US[/U] AND SET [U]US[/U] APART.

HE BROUGHT [U]THE WORLD FROM[/U] THE MIRY CLAY
AND CHANGED THE [U]WAY WE LIVE AND PRAY[/U].
I PUT MY TRUST IN THE COMING KING
FOR HE ONCE DIED FOR ALL THE SINFUL.

JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE LOVED [U]US ALL[/U] FROM THE START.
JESUS LIVES IN MY HEART,
HE SAVED [U]US[/U] AND SET [U]US[/U] APART.

This, by the way, looks like a great song to sing to a sunday school class of kids at your church. I've changed a little bit in my quote here to something I think might flow a little better (and also isn't so "me" centered, not the typical theme you'd want in a song about Christ), feel free to ignore it. I've replaced many "me" references with "us" to give the song the universality it needs. Might want to add something about the inevitability of human sin, selfishness, etc. without sounding harsh, overly critical, or judgemental. It's a very nice sunday-school song, as I said before, just tweak it a bit and it'll be just dandy. Also, to members out there who happen not to believe in God, this song is not the place to argue your points. No one's said anything yet, but I feel like it might happen. Therefore, I want to stress how inappropriate that would be. I like to see discussions of God's existance, because I'm sure, if he does exist, it would please Him to know that his children are using that wonderful gift of reason He gave us.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 3
aschleman
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Joined: 04/26/05
Posts: 2,051
aschleman
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Posts: 2,051
07/13/2005 12:37 pm
Good points Jolly...

I agree mostly with him about your song. The "me's" kind of pushed it in a different direction than I believe you wanted to go. Take the changes that Jolly made and try to polish it up a little bit. With its simplistic approach it does very much seem like a good Sunday school song... but if you take the overall message and try to find more wittier ways of saying it... It could be a great christian rock song.
# 4
Kindsoul
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Posts: 3
Kindsoul
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Posts: 3
07/14/2005 9:02 am
Thanks for the msg. Will do so. Actually, I wrote it as a personal song about how HE saved me. I believe it is what you and Jolly have said.. it should be a universal msg.

Thanks again. Appreciate it.
# 5
kingdavid
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Posts: 1,149
kingdavid
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Posts: 1,149
07/14/2005 4:01 pm
People really are different.
When I see something I can't handle, or a place I don't wanna go, I simply (you might want to add chickenly) walk away.
That's what happened here. I didn't even read Kindsoul's song when I first read the thread.
Then Jolly does what he just did. Totally nice, without being obnoxious or stupid or pretnetious or anything. Just there.
Makes me feel a stroke dumb, perhaps a bit unresourceful. So much for my proclaimed "openmindedness".
I hate you Jolly.
How old are you again? No wonder Iiholly digs you. :)
# 6
Jolly McJollyson
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Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
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Posts: 5,457
07/14/2005 4:18 pm
Originally Posted by: kingdavidPeople really are different.
When I see something I can't handle, or a place I don't wanna go, I simply (you might want to add chickenly) walk away.
That's what happened here. I didn't even read Kindsoul's song when I first read the thread.
Then Jolly does what he just did. Totally nice, without being obnoxious or stupid or pretnetious or anything. Just there.
Makes me feel a stroke dumb, perhaps a bit unresourceful. So much for my proclaimed "openmindedness".
I hate you Jolly.
How old are you again? No wonder Iiholly digs you. :)

Hey, thanks Dave, that's really cool of you to say that. I still think KindSoul's song should be separated into a new thread, seeing as the first song has the phrase "sit the **** down," and the contrast there is just unbelievable.

I'm 19, by the way, I'll be 20 in september.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 7
Kindsoul
Registered User
Joined: 07/12/05
Posts: 3
Kindsoul
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Joined: 07/12/05
Posts: 3
07/16/2005 9:14 am
First of all, I want to thank all of you - aschleman, Jolly, Kingdavid and ksocr3s for allowing me to post my song and though like many of you have said - it should be posted in some other threads instead. I am sorry as honest as I can be, this is the first time I posted something in the Internet. Appreciate if someone can help/advise me how to move/delete my "posting" in this thread.

Dave, do not feel bad/angry with yourself for not wanting to read my song earlier as you have mentioned. That's what life is all about. One man's meat is another's poison. So take it easy. Open up your mind and you will discover the treasures.

Jolly and aschleman...thanks for being a kind sport. I enjoyed your honesty about my song. It is always easier to talk to somebody who does not know you. In this way, you can get a very honest answer. With the people around, it will always be "Great/Excellence". I don't buy that....
# 8
Jolly McJollyson
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Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
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Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
07/16/2005 4:27 pm
Originally Posted by: KindsoulFirst of all, I want to thank all of you - aschleman, Jolly, Kingdavid and ksocr3s for allowing me to post my song and though like many of you have said - it should be posted in some other threads instead. I am sorry as honest as I can be, this is the first time I posted something in the Internet. Appreciate if someone can help/advise me how to move/delete my "posting" in this thread.

Dave, do not feel bad/angry with yourself for not wanting to read my song earlier as you have mentioned. That's what life is all about. One man's meat is another's poison. So take it easy. Open up your mind and you will discover the treasures.

Jolly and aschleman...thanks for being a kind sport. I enjoyed your honesty about my song. It is always easier to talk to somebody who does not know you. In this way, you can get a very honest answer. With the people around, it will always be "Great/Excellence". I don't buy that....

Only a few members can move this post to a new thread, those members are called "moderators," the ruling authority on the boards. I'll private message one of them to get this thing separated, so there's no need to apologize.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 9

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