my cliche song


iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
02/16/2005 4:44 am
Okay, well I've been going through this pretty bad period of writers block as far as songs go. I always try to be clever, and stick away from any cliches. So half the time, my songs don't make sense to anyone but me, but I'd like to think that come out unique. Well, anyways back to writers block situation... My philosophy teacher, who plays guitar, suggested I try writing something a little cliche and down to earth, so I just did. And I kind of what to butcher the hell out of it and make it into a good song. I'd figured I could use a lot of help, and don't be nice... but any constructive criticism would be deeply appreciated.

Fallen Leaves (yes i even half a title)

chorus
Protect your loved ones
Protect everything you need
Talk down your fears
Talk down positivities in me (yes I think I made up the word positivities)

verse 1
she knows your dreams
every weakness he sees
you're both so condescending
but maybe in the pale fall light
we could just be

verse 2
memories are unforgiving
they can hid the wrongs in the past
the most vivid is when you said you loved me
as the leaves fell so gracefully

bridge
as time ticks slowly by
time inevitable marches on
hiding from formal identities
throwing away what I thought you saw in me
what I am is fallen leave
(yeah I know that makes since, but within the chord structure I formulated it works out)

And thats it...

# 1
crazywolf
Samson
Joined: 01/26/05
Posts: 371
crazywolf
Samson
Joined: 01/26/05
Posts: 371
02/16/2005 5:28 am
A few questions: What kind of music did you want to put to the lyrics? And I could tell you weren't going for any type of rhyme scheme (cuz the words didn't really rhyme) but did you have some rythem scheme with the words and syllabels?
1 Peter 2:16
# 2
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
02/16/2005 6:26 am
Originally Posted by: crazywolfA few questions: What kind of music did you want to put to the lyrics? And I could tell you weren't going for any type of rhyme scheme (cuz the words didn't really rhyme) but did you have some rythem scheme with the words and syllabels?


I'm not into rhyming, I think it adds cheesiness to lyrics or poetry. Not that I'm knocking literature that has a rhyme scheme, its just not my style.
The type of music, is kind of new wave folk, with a mix of incubus, and a mix of a totally rocking out part. Its a really weird song as far as the chords go, but I just think it sounds cool.

# 3
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
Jolly McJollyson
Chick Magnet
Joined: 09/07/03
Posts: 5,457
02/16/2005 6:45 am
Originally Posted by: iihollyIts a really weird song as far as the chords go, but I just think it sounds cool.

Send me a powertab of the chords. And sing it for me some time, I'd like to see how this works before passing judgement.
I want the bomb
I want the P-funk!

My band is better than yours...
# 4
crazywolf
Samson
Joined: 01/26/05
Posts: 371
crazywolf
Samson
Joined: 01/26/05
Posts: 371
02/16/2005 6:53 am
Originally Posted by: iihollyI'm not into rhyming, I think it adds cheesiness to lyrics or poetry.

Thats cool, neither am I all the time.
It's a little hard to comment on the lyrics because I don't know how it's supposed to sound, or the exact rhythm; all that is in your head, but i'll try my best.
chorus-positivitives is a sweet word!! Making up words is often a cool
thing to do.
verse 1- In the second half of the verse, it sounds like you are trying to cram
too many words in there, but, I dont know how it sounds in your head
and may sound just fine.
verse 2-gracefully doesn't seem to fit in with the rhythm of the rest of the
verse.
bridge-NC

Over all, I thought it sounded pretty cool! Before I read the song, I thought it was going to be a cliche overload, which could be cool. Yeah, there were a lot of cliches, but it didn't seem insanely obvious thats what you were going for. They were a little subtle, which I thought was real cool. Withought hearing the music or how the lyrics are suppoed to flow, I would give it a B+.
Hope that helps.
1 Peter 2:16
# 5

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