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A really corny line

The Ace
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The Ace
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Posts: 802
08/13/2004 10:27 pm
I wrote this acoustic song (like vocals with just and acoustic guitar...) and I really like the work I've done on it. There's this one line in the lyrics that just doesn't work though.

I'm trying to say that this guy Billy died and went to heaven... bla bla bla...

Here is the first line (that I'm keeping): Billy never returned/came back/

Here's the second line that I comes after the one above (the one I need to change): His place on Earth was gone

What do you think I should change the second line to, to make it sound more like a preacher wasn't singing it?

Thanx a lot! Just wanted your opinions...

-The Ace
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 1
Digit
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Digit
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08/14/2004 2:37 am
His place on Mars was gone.

Now he sounds like an alien.
Digit
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# 2
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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08/14/2004 4:37 am
Originally Posted by: DigitHis place on Mars was gone.

Now he sounds like an alien.



LOL!!!!


890
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
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# 3
saigonpunch
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saigonpunch
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08/14/2004 12:15 pm
Originally Posted by: The AceI wrote this acoustic song (like vocals with just and acoustic guitar...) and I really like the work I've done on it. There's this one line in the lyrics that just doesn't work though.

I'm trying to say that this guy Billy died and went to heaven... bla bla bla...

Here is the first line (that I'm keeping): Billy never returned/came back/

Here's the second line that I comes after the one above (the one I need to change): His place on Earth was gone

What do you think I should change the second line to, to make it sound more like a preacher wasn't singing it?

Thanx a lot! Just wanted your opinions...

-The Ace


What about:

He kissed this life goodbye
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# 4
The Ace
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The Ace
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08/14/2004 3:18 pm
Originally Posted by: DigitHis place on Mars was gone.

Now he sounds like an alien.


LSHISTPTCUEAWBOTGTF!!!! (Laughed so hard I started to puke, then cleaned up the mess and went back on the Guitar Tricks Forums!!!!)

I like "He kissed his life goodbye" (writes down in imaginary book of possible lyric lines)
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 5
Polera
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Polera
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08/15/2004 11:43 pm
Throw in there a "never more". I.e "here never more" or "never more will be"...of course you need to use it appropiatly...just suggestions.
WWSD? What would stevie do?
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# 6
The Ace
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The Ace
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08/16/2004 12:36 am
I think I was already a step ahead of oyu on the never more, its used on every chorus (so it's pretty much out here).

Thanks anyway.
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 7
Dr_simon
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Dr_simon
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08/16/2004 1:37 am
You could make reference to the Pythons dead parrot

Oh Im sorry, He's a dead as Polly

or

As dead as a cooked carrot
As dead as a blue parrot !

.... shuffled his mortal coil




Ok I'm off to find the beer and Lithium !
My instructors page and www.studiotrax.net for all things recording.
my toons Brought to you by Dr BadGAS
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# 8
The Ace
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The Ace
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08/16/2004 3:32 am
Your a strange kid, doc.
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 9
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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08/16/2004 4:18 am
It's hard to make suggestions without the rest of the lyrics...
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
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# 10
Dr_simon
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Dr_simon
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08/16/2004 11:49 am
and a stranger 30somthing !
My instructors page and www.studiotrax.net for all things recording.
my toons Brought to you by Dr BadGAS
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# 11
pstring
Big as Elvis, Baby
Joined: 11/29/01
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pstring
Big as Elvis, Baby
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Posts: 899
08/16/2004 1:30 pm
Second Line should be, " and it's a good thing his ol lady kept his life insurance paid up", that just say's it all in a tender way doesn't it......
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# 12
The Ace
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The Ace
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08/16/2004 1:46 pm
Originally Posted by: iamthe_eggmanIt's hard to make suggestions without the rest of the lyrics...


I thought if anybody could do it it would be you.
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 13
iiholly
hmm
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iiholly
hmm
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08/18/2004 12:11 am
I so second the parrot idea. Doesn't even matter which one. In fact you should just make a whole 'nother song dedicated to dead parrots. I'll do it myself if you don't. I'll make sure to post it... and no I don't have anything original that I can think about.

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# 14
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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08/18/2004 12:36 am
Originally Posted by: The AceI thought if anybody could do it it would be you.


Ouch... was that a dig?

Anyways, I actually thought of this today, and came up with a suggestion:

"Billy (I'd change the name, though) closed his eyes, but not to sleep
His face looked so restful, he seemed at peace".
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
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# 15
iamthe_eggman
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iamthe_eggman
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08/18/2004 12:38 am
Oh, wait, just re-read the first post and realized that you're not taking suggestions for the first line... you're looking for some way to say that he went to heaven. Sorry, the ensuing posts put me off the scent.

Sometimes it's better to just say something instead of using a potentially corny analogy.
... and that's all I have to say about that.

[U]ALL[/U] generalizations are [U]WRONG[/U]

[/sarcasm]
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# 16
The Ace
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The Ace
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08/18/2004 12:48 am
The parrot song is all you iiholly :D .


Thanx any way eggman, howzabout:

Billy never returned
He died and went to heaven

I don't think that's a potentially corny analogy.
There are only two important things in life - There's music and theres girls, not necessarily in that order....
The Ace's Guitar Tricks
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# 17
Meta
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Meta
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08/21/2004 12:26 am
lol its straight to the point too =D

Who needs fancy wordings when you can just flat out say it :p
|/- :eek: Zeeky Boogy Doog :eek: -\|
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# 18

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