if they suck, just remember, they're not mine
the bassist:
How big was the check that you lost?" the bank director asked a bassist
"Well... If I now remember right... It was about the size of a postcard..."
A bassist was stopped by a police patrol. "We just took your picture when you were speeding."
"Oh jolly good!" bassist replied. "If they come out all right, I'd like to have six colour prints!"
"What's Steve up to these days? I hear he applied for a job as a bassist."
"Nothing. He got the job."
A bassist with a bandage on his head was waiting to collect compensation at the social insurance office:
"Do you have an ID card?"
"No, what I've got is an ear infection".
"How was your tour to Finland? Did you have any problems with the language?" asks one bassist from another.
"I didn't, but the Finnish there sure did!"
Bassist was in a car accident.
"I'm sorry, but we're going to have to amputate your right leg," said the doctor sadly.
"That's all right," replied bassist. "I just was afraid you were going to tell me I had to stop drinking."
Bassist was sitting on the street corner drinking beer from a bottle, even though the temperature was 30 below zero.
"How can you drink beer when it's this cold?" asked guitarist.
"Easily. I'm wearing gloves," bassist said.
Bassist went to the store to buy a tin of sardines,
"Portuguese or Italian?" the shopkeeper asked.
"It's all the same to me.I'm not buying them to talk with them!"
From Vesselin Grozdanov
"Did you hear about the basist who was so out of tune that the rest of the band noticed?"
"How many bassists does it take to change a light bulb?"
1) Dont bother, just leave it out - noone will notice.
2) One, but the guitarist has to show him first.
3) Six. One to change it and five to fight off the lead guitarists who are hogging the light.
From Rob Vandernol
How many bass players does it take to change a lightbulb????
None. Bass players aren't afraid of the dark!!!
From Tony Ferrero
What did the bass player get on his music test?
Drool
From Katherine Gammon
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?" "Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"
A tour manager comes across the guitarist and bass player fighting at the side of the stage and pulls them apart asking what the problem was. "That bastard detuned one of the strings on my bass", says the bass player, "And we're on stage in five minutes." "So what's the problem?", asks the tour manager. "He won't tell me which string it was he detuned", said the Bassist.
From Tiffany
Son to his mother: "Mom, when I grow up I want to be a bassist!"
Mother to her son: "Well you can't do both."
From Dave Webley-Parry
Why did the bassist stare at the orange juice?
Because it said concentrate on the carton.
A guitarist, a drummer and a bassist are sitting in a bar and talking about their families.
The guitarist says "Here's a picture of my son. I named him George, because he was born on St. George's Day."
The drummer says "Really? Well, here's a picture of my son. I named him Andrew because he was born on St. Andrew's day, plus I'm part Scottish."
The bassist says "Here's a picture of my son. I named him Pancake....."
From Graham Ferguson
Did you hear about the bass player who died in a skydiving accident?
He missed the earth
There's a bass player in the middle of a cornfield, and he's in a boat, rowing. Obviously he's not getting anywhere. Another bass player walking by the edge of the cornfield sees him and exclaims: "YOU IDIOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? It's bass players like you that give us bass players a bad name...if I could swim I'd go out there and kick your ass!"
To improve technique and of course trying to keep all as clean as possible. I know my own limits and speed limits and so on I never play anything I'm not capable of. That wouldn't make any sense. After three years of playing I tried to play everything as fast as possible and that sounded, I would say, like shit, and I didn't realize that if I'd play bit slower things than I was capable of playing then everything would sound much better.
--Aleksi Laiho - Advice to Play By
--Aleksi Laiho - Advice to Play By
