View post (well thats my 1rst song..It's called "Metal Bars")

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Registered User
Joined: 08/10/01
Posts: 882
Registered User
Joined: 08/10/01
Posts: 882
03/23/2002 7:58 pm
hmmm... it's pretty good for a first attempt.. very good infact...
but (and i mean no disrespect by the following), but it's too obvious (you've pretty much written in big letter what it's all about rape, and the victim here, although battel scarred wins the struggel, and that's it) and ryhmes too heavily... I mean taht's fine if you like the whole nickel back, hoobastank stuff... but it's not really know for it's strong song writing...
The following song lyrics are by "at the drive-in", it's abotu the rape and murder of over 500 mexican women over last few years, where these women work in american owned factories, and they are usually got on thier way home... and what's worse is that no one (on the american or mexican side) is taking action, or even investigation... anyway read the lyrics.. there's some conceptaul muses... and most of all it doesn't ryhm... heavy ryhming in a song can make it sound too forced...

"Invalid Litter Dept.

intravenously polite it was the walkie-talkies
that had knocked the pins down
as their shoes gripped the dirt floor
in the silhouette of dying
dancing on corpses' ashes

yeah, they had plans for him
they has spun the last of the pimps
corduroy, satin nailed jewelry lips
while the guillotine just laughed again
dancing on the corpses' ashes

paramedics fell into the wound
like a rehired scab at a barehanded plant
an anesthetic penance beneath
the hail of contraband

they had been defected and excommunicated
and all the pulses were subverted
and they made sure the obituaries
showed pictures of smoke stacks

a vivid dissection that mocked
the strut of vivisection
semi-automatic colonies
and a silencing that still walks the streets

in the company of wolves
was a stretcher made of
cobblestone curfews
the federales performed
their custodial customs quite well

callous heels
numbed in travel
endless maps made
by their scalpels

on my way
nails broke and fell
into the
wishing well"

Carry on writting... good luck