Originally Posted by: looneytunesYou are breaking all lyric writing rules, but I guess that's Ok as long as you like. However, if you would like a few suggestions to improve you writing skills, read on.

First, each verse should convey a thought, one idea. It should not jump around to different things. Think of it as a paragraph in a book.
Next, you should not use words just because they rhyme. The words should rhyme, but bring meaning to the verse. The rhyme should produce a beat, a rhythm. The number of syllables doesn’t matter. The singer can hang on a word or run them together to keep the beat. This should all come together with the music and singing.

These are just a few things to think about when writing a song or a poem. There is a lot more to lyric writing, but these are just the obvious in these two songs.
I really like certain lines in both songs, but in my opinion there is a lot of work to be done.

Hang in there and keep trying. Don’t be discouraged and learn from criticism.
Good luck!

Firstly, there are no lyric writing rules. Anything goes.

Secondly, each verse does convey a single thought, I just don't convey it in the kind of language you might use in everyday conversation with someone.

Granted, I do have a tendency to put rhyme over meaning in some of my songs, but I don't think this is one of them. The rhyme scheme is very structured, but it also gets around to saying exactly what I meant.

The syllable thing you mentioned is another bad habit of mine, but proper syllable emphasis goes out the window in the second half of the third verse anyway, meaning I have to hold certain words and start those words at different times.