I think it is too complicated. My suggestion is to tell the story and stop beating around the bush. When I listen to lyrics, I don't want to try to guess what the writer was trying to get across. I just want to listen and enjoy. And I enjoy it because of what it does for me, not what the author's intent was.

You do have the knack of rhyme, which means you could probably write any style of music you put a mind to. It is very interesting, but as I said earlier in other threads, it's not for me.

Keep writing. I think you have talent and what you wrote maybe perfect. It's just not what I care for. I would like to hear some of your music. Although I like the country side, I do listen to inner city as well. Hey, "The Country Side" sounds like a good title!