Just wrote this

this is a weird song because I didn't write it at 3 am. I wrote it at 2 pm. Which is weird. Anyway, tell me what you think. It's another one thats going to be hard to put to music I think, so maybe it's just a poem. who knows.



No Title


When [the] ancients stabbed the sun
It bled out all its love
and the world was drenched
in blood red light
for all the years to come

now putrid stench and shepherds
roam aimless cross the land
and the shepherds weep for flocks
they wish they'd never had
and as they fall from weeping
the stench senses they're demise
and closes tight round rubber necks
and silences their cries

Now they lay there breathless
for breathing isn't theirs
you have to live to want to breath
and have life to even care
so now the stench moves inwards
and clears out space inside
and rots them till their nothing
but the bones of when they tried

so when you pass them laying
in their graves of grass and mud
remember they are only there
because they lost their love
so hold yours tight and find them
whatever they may be
[because] without your flocks to guide you
you'll never truly see

----------------------------------------------------

Actually now that I have split it up I think the first verse could become the refrain, as well as the first verse of course...

any way, if you read it thanks for reading.

Interesting...it flows very well and I like the imagery you supply in the lyrics. However, I'm confused a bit by the first stanza and its connection to everything else. Who/What are the Ancients?

Thanks for sharing

yeah it needs work in that respect "the ancients" was originally "someone" and it is still just a stand in really. If I use the term "ancients" I'm just referring to ancient people, mankind, not any particular people or made up race. In that respect it works contextually but it is pretty loose.

That bothers me plus the end, it makes sense but I really don't like leaving with "a lesson" type thing, it just bothers me. Plus I have no clue were "grass and mud" come from, I guess when I think about it I just see lots of grassy hills under a red orange sky, but I can be fairly confident no one else does.

I guess the first stanza is about the (early) corruption of mankind and then the rest is just kind of the result of that, from one perspective anyway. Meaning is fairly loose in this particular piece, I am still working on creating compelling imagery and interesting phrasings, but what I really need to start doing is working stuff into music.

Anyway, hope that helped a little. Thanks for the input, it's always greatly appreciated.

hey uhh

i made some music to go behind that
i sang it
it sounded like it tied in with the lyrics
it would definitely need some beats

but i think you should try and put a solid tab behind it
it has alot of lyrical potential


-sammy

Originally Posted by: Drew77yeah it needs work in that respect "the ancients" was originally "someone" and it is still just a stand in really. If I use the term "ancients" I'm just referring to ancient people, mankind, not any particular people or made up race. In that respect it works contextually but it is pretty loose.

That bothers me plus the end, it makes sense but I really don't like leaving with "a lesson" type thing, it just bothers me. Plus I have no clue were "grass and mud" come from, I guess when I think about it I just see lots of grassy hills under a red orange sky, but I can be fairly confident no one else does.

I guess the first stanza is about the (early) corruption of mankind and then the rest is just kind of the result of that, from one perspective anyway. Meaning is fairly loose in this particular piece, I am still working on creating compelling imagery and interesting phrasings, but what I really need to start doing is working stuff into music.

Anyway, hope that helped a little. Thanks for the input, it's always greatly appreciated.

I like the vagueness in the lyrics. That could be interpreted very well into music. The tonality could be very ambiguous as if it were imitating the lyrics. Even though Grass and Mud are not explicitly mentioned before, you do mention the Earth and I like the way that last stanza asks the listener to reflect.

Glad I could help.

I love it. Perfect, IMHO.