Originally Posted by: purewhat should i tweak... whats wrong with it...

Well, let's start with the first verse:

"met a girl called stephanie
thought she was the one for me
but sooner than i could see
she became my enemy"

Yikes.

Maybe we should do this one line at a time:

"Met a girl named Stephanie"
Well, you've gone right out there and said it blatantly. That's a great way to write a song for a third grade talent show, but for real songwriting, "met a girl called stephanie" is best reserved for cheesy power-ballads by Motley Crue. Try rephrasing to something describing WHERE you met her maybe, THEN introduce her name. Lead into it like this "Mass of bodies at the junior prom/sweating, stinging, in my eyes" then follow with something introducing Stephanie.

"thought she was the one for me"
Ok, we both know that's a throw-out line. Seriously, though, it's a little hackneyed.

"but sooner than I could see"
Stretching for a rhyme isn't always worth it.

"she became my enemy"
Again, hackneyed and pretty stilted.

Remember, there's a fine line between fairly poetic and incredibly stilted.