"gutter babies"


iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
Umm.. the 3rd verse needs work, I know, but if you're curious i'm referring to Jack Kerouac in the third verse. Yeah any criticism would be appreciated.

shes got stocking ups to her neck
around her pale neck
tangled with mentions of night
dress an antique mess
cigarette imprints on her breast
tripping on bennies
graze of an unfamiliar hand


deliver another to the oven
bury the body in the back
retort into vase
deliver another to the oven
1800 barely a scold
skin too thick to cook
extrication in the oven


gutter babies take heroine
overdose at ten
sewer youth grasping again for
blind dancing needles
lick the pavement one more time
junkie sweet scrap dream
shoot it up love, sweat it out love

deliver another to the oven
bury the body in the back
retort into vase
deliver another to the oven
1800 barely a scold
skin too thick to cook
extrication in the oven

beaten jack will suffer the mad
light drowning again
sopped in ethenol again
sweet relief blue eyes
haikus and pills aren't purity
pretentious useless
and another lost artist dead

deliver another to the oven
bury the body in the back
retort into vase
deliver another to the oven
1800 barely a scold
skin too thick to cook
extrication in the oven

# 1
jeffhx
Disco Bandit
Joined: 12/20/05
Posts: 1,929
swwet stuff...now music..
[FONT=Impact]grooviest tunes ever [/FONT]
# 2
Lordathestrings
Gear Guru
Joined: 01/18/01
Posts: 6,242
Yow! :eek:

Very Patti Smith.
Lordathestrings
Guitar Tricks Moderator

www.GuitarTricks.com - Home of Online Guitar Lessons
# 3
mdaddict
Registered User
Joined: 06/27/06
Posts: 108
i like it holly good job :)
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
# 4
earthman buck
Registered User
Joined: 10/15/05
Posts: 2,953
Hey, I just read this very song on your myspace thing.

I like it a lot. Very poetic, which is a plus. I'd like to hear it with music though.
# 5
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
Thanks for the comments.

I'm working on the music. I'm having trouble trying to find a chord progression for the verses though.

# 6
ericthecableguy
Registered User
Joined: 07/09/05
Posts: 1,929
Wow...you can really write. Want to be in my band?
For life is quite absurd and death's the final word, You must always face the curtain with a bow
Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin
Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

METOOB
# 7
acapella
Registered User
Joined: 12/08/05
Posts: 1,617
Originally Posted by: iiholly
gutter babies take heroine
overdose at ten


I liked it all except for that line. Actually it depends how I look at it, because if the "ten" refers to age ten, I don't like it, because that just seems weak. If it refers to ten o' clock, then I like it, it makes it seem like overdose is a routine thing to the writer (or person being written about). I would like to hear it with music because I have a hard time imagining how it would sound, it's good though. Well done.
You go outside and practice screaming. We'll play music while you're gone.
# 8
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
meh that's up to interpretation... I meant 10 years old but I actually like your idea better. I'm not going to change it though. Because it can be seen either way.

# 9
lifeis@song
Registered User
Joined: 03/18/06
Posts: 105
one of the first poems on here that i liked! i really liked it
# 10
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
thanks! :D

# 11
right here
Registered User
Joined: 06/21/06
Posts: 8
That's amazing Holly!
# 12
earthman buck
Registered User
Joined: 10/15/05
Posts: 2,953
Originally Posted by: iihollygutter babies take heroine
overdose at ten

I've been thinking about this poem/song for the last few days, and I just have to ask: was that just a typo, or did you purposely spell heroin with an e? If so, good stuff. Very Cobainian.
# 13
iiholly
hmm
Joined: 07/29/02
Posts: 2,368
No, that's just me not knowing how to spell.

# 14
earthman buck
Registered User
Joined: 10/15/05
Posts: 2,953
Originally Posted by: iihollyNo, that's just me not knowing how to spell.

Oh, well I still like it.
# 15