A very Sybolic poem

A Triumph of Failure

A soft, toy, ball made of nothing but flesh,
Acts as if it’s composed of steel.
Steel that never feels the shots of blood bestowed upon surface,
And steel that cannot decipher glory and pride from savagery and swagger.

An Abyss of self-constrained image and a mirror to accompany it,
This steel toy has nothing a soft throne with daggers on its seat.
Holding a sword with a blade on each side but has eyes to only see one.
A toy soon turns into an instrument of malice.

Malicious notes sweat through the pores of this instrument,
And her red horn, which outputs sounds of triumph when its real color is brass.
Piercing the air filled with gray clouds when only yesterday the heavens were clear.
The death march brings all to hail their king and their dirge is resonates through all hell.

While each string is struck, a soul descends into the black clouds.
The eyes of this instrument soon turn into the handle of a newly created weapon,
And all those to see with their own eyes soon experience the same reward.
This weapon has a coat of chrome, chrome that makes any reflection seem holy and true.

It slayed the phoenix, and guillotined its ashes,
Bringing re-birth and apologies has a new meaning, Impossible.

Eyes blazing with fire, and longing for the deepest desire,
To prevail through the top of the mountain,
Yet no one stands in the way to tell him that he is a mile away walking.
Weapons such as hammers and anvils burden his strong arms, not realizing the satchel.

Now standing in the heart of snow,
With lungs weighed down with rusted tar and an appetite for destruction.
Gray hair crawling off the essence, when only yesterday it was black and strong.
On his knees now praying to god for the first time when yesterday mercy questionable.

The white snow turned gray, then red.
The majestic crimson snow absorbed bloodless flesh and a cold heart.
A weapon, turned back into a toy,
And a toy that has been fiddled with too long, too long to learn a lesson.

Now tears of ice crumble from his eyes,
The eyes that now has seen the other half of the sword,
And the tears seem to shatter when dropped upon the soft ice.
And the man soon triumphed again, but this time it was the ultimate failure.

Who do you usually read?

Ahh, I usually dont read much poetry. Mainly cause Im not a big fan of contemporary poets. There isnt really one person I listen to, I just read whatever I like. Its not like guitar where I have certain idols.

Originally Posted by: alucard0941Ahh, I usually dont read much poetry. Mainly cause Im not a big fan of contemporary poets. There isnt really one person I listen to, I just read whatever I like. Its not like guitar where I have certain idols.

Try Poe and Swineburne, they're not contemporary, and both are pretty good, especially Poe.

yea actually I have read quite a few works by Poe

Originally Posted by: alucard0941Ahh, I usually dont read much poetry. Mainly cause Im not a big fan of contemporary poets. There isnt really one person I listen to, I just read whatever I like. Its not like guitar where I have certain idols.

Try E.E. Cummings or A.E. Housman as well.

alrite cool Ill check them out.

Anyway, what did you think? :confused: I wrote this poem for my English class , so its kinda amature...

Originally Posted by: alucard0941alrite cool Ill check them out.

Anyway, what did you think? :confused: I wrote this poem for my English class , so its kinda amature...

Not really my bag, especially the heavy symbolisms. I'm not really good at picking up symbolisms, so I always find myself out of the loop with those types of poems.

I found it a bit long, and many run-on sentences made it kind of tough to wade through. Some expressions and adjectives didn't really fit together. Whereas sparing use of this device can often be interesting, if you make a whole poem out of it, it can be distracting. (e.g. "shots of blood bestowed upon surface", " guillotined its ashes", "not realizing the satchel", "soft ice")

A really great online writing community that I frequent is www.writersdock.com. You should check it out.

Originally Posted by: alucard0941alrite cool Ill check them out.

Anyway, what did you think? :confused: I wrote this poem for my English class , so its kinda amature...

Yeah, I'm with Eggman. A lot of mixed metaphors here. Also, it's best to read more poetry and really get a fixed idea on rhythm and cadence. Some of your phrasing is a bit bulky and laden with too many hard or too many soft syllables. The title's a little pretentious, I'd try to avoid that kind of oxymoron in a title, at least one so blatantly phrased. Honestly my advice is to read more poetry and try to get a handle on what the pros do.