I thought it was pretty good overall! Its a bit hard to give feedback without hearing how the lyrics are supposed to sound or flow.
I would suggest [U]maybe[/U] trying to make the word flow together a little more. It seems like you had a basic rhythm you tried to stick to, but a few of the line didn't really seem to fit; as in shorter that most of the other lines. That just might be the way you wanted it though, seeing as how verse 1 and 3 rhymed, but 2 did not.
It looks like you put a lot of work into the lyrics and it shows!!