At age twenty you are still young. The world is still there for the taking. If you are genuinely suicidal get some help, either professional or even just telling people can help. Its' no crime to feel that way, trust me I have been there. Beware the meds, they can help but man can some of them suck when you come down off them, especially Paxil or effexor. Counselling may help, do not be embarrassed about seeking it. One in four adults experience some kind of mental illness/depressive illness in their lives. In my case it was/is reactional (caused by a specific event), it can be inherited as well. Whatever the deal you should realise you are not alone, there is hope and the world is a better place with you in it. You might want to simply take one small step at a time towards something positive, no matter how small. Be careful how you speak to yourself in your head...Negative thoughts will eat you up, and they feed off you, it's a never ending cycle. Try to keep positive...don't think about the past or tomorrow..just "stay in the day" & try to learn to teach yourself to accept things, even though you don't like them.
Who the fcuk made you think you have to achieve so much so young anyway? You should set your own MODEST aims, be honest with yourself, and do what makes you happy, not what you let society impose on you.
Nobody is perfect, and trying to be perfect at things will mostly lead to disappointment. Try to say to yourself that you can accept not being perfect at things...it's ok.

Other stuff than can help is exercise. I read that when Steve Vai was a teenager he was a serious depressive recluse type...then he decided to get fit...that in turn sorted out his head and his playing etc..

If some of this isn't applicable to you I apologise (i have no idea who you are except from your post) ..but much of what you said struck a chord with me & what i just typed helped me a bit. Hang on in there, keep the faith.

P.s.
Keep posting, keep venting..get it out of you. :)



"If you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.” Gospel of St. Thomas