this original song u were makeing or w/e im getting the feeling u might do this with all ur songs but ur rymes are too planned, it makes it sound like a nursery rhyme, the rhymes in a song should be "accidental" or not quite rhyme all the way, not like "beer" and "fear". A song shouldnt be based around rhymeing, u dont even have to rhyme to get really awesome lyrics. Another thing, ur rhyme scheme is a-a-b-b in the first verse. Be original with rhymes, most people who write there songs go with an a-b-a-b, or a-a-b-b. Mix it up! Be creative!