Both versions are good - i prefer the first draft which i know was the main text and u wanted to turn it into lyrics.
but why do u have to convert it so to speak into lyric form
ok i know that u dont have to, but like i dunno it always feels like its because of this lyric type feel that i cant write 'songs' cus they seem to be lacking [yea of the music and vocals haha]
MMM i dunno do u usually listen to totally non mainstream bands that have prose like lyrics or something it can be done for sure - u know do whats best for ur own way.
Ahhh this thinking..drives me nuts..:O
i dont like he structure it has now verse/chorus/verse type of pattern....
ok thats no help to you.
I like what ur getting at but i liked it better when it ws whole not done up to be lyrics.
'i dont have low self esteem, it's a mistake. I have low esteem for everyone else' - Daria