Sorry about the random post, but I had to say what I have to say on these rediculous lawsuits:
The Cynic’s Corner:
Fast Food, et Tu BK?
By Jolly McJollyson
This is a tale of the purest evil, an exciting story of the epic battle between fast food restaurant owners and their innocent, unsuspecting victims: hungry people. It seems that the two lawsuits previously filed against these bistros of Beelzebub were not enough to stop the evil. The corrupt individuals who conspire to fatten us up and send us all to death via the high-cholesterol superhighway cannot be stopped by mere lawyers and economic setbacks. Protected by the thick walls of “Doom Fortress,” their place of residence, those evil individuals who control our minds and force us to eat truckloads of greasy French fries and mystery meat hamburgers are all-powerful. How bad has this problem become? Bad.
According to cnn.com, the amount of fast-food-related deaths may soon surpass that of smoking-related deaths in America. But such horrors do not end here; cnn.com also claims that nearly 61% of all American adults are overweight or obese (“After Tobacco Suits, Lawyers Target Fast Food” http://www.cnn.com/2002/LAW/08/19/fast.food.lawsuit/index.html), and 15-20% of children the same (“Health chief wants healthier menus” http://www.cnn.com/2003/HEALTH/05/13/obesity.battle/index.html). Obviously these terrible atrocities are entirely the fast food industry’s fault. The heathen spawns of Satan that run such houses of death have no compassion. They use mind controlling TV ads to lure victims into their restaurant deathtraps, where the victims proceed to ingest salty death sticks and cholesterol patties, to be washed down by shakes of destruction.
Every lawsuit filed against fast food corporations has been thrown out of court or ruled against…a corporate conspiracy may be afoot. Regardless, activists in obesity-related lawsuits are not discouraged. “‘We’re not discouraged [said George Washington University law professor John Banzhaf III,] by one setback this early in the game. It took more than 700 lawsuits and 30 years to bring down Big Tobacco” (http://washingtontimes.com/business/20030904-101149-4759r.htm). True that, John, true that. I completely agree with this statement, after 700 lawsuits and 30 years, Americans with any sense will have laughed until they passed out, leaving the senseless to hit the fast food industry where it hurts: the face. Banzhaf also stated, “We know from tobacco litigation that initial suits have real difficulties because the public has real problems accepting new ideas and concepts” (http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/fatsuit020725.html). These new ideas and concepts include, but are not limited to, telling the public that they are not smart enough to feed themselves. Thank you, Banzhaf, for pioneering the “you are bad for you” campaign all men need.
As we all know, humans have a mere 0-2% amount of control over what they do. This control is easily duped by the fast food industry’s false cry at being healthy. Though at first glance, fast food may seem perfectly healthy, the truth is hidden well; fast food restaurants do admit to being…wait for it…UNHEALTHY!!! Burger King has a well-concealed link on their web page to a list of real nutritional facts and calorie amounts concerning their “food.” This list is a compilation of little known truths, so astonishing that they frightened and confused my simple, impressionable mind. Before I had seen the truth, I had thought, judging by what the meals looked like in commercials, that fast food was better for me than the healthiest of yuppie health meals. The fact that Shaquille O’Neal advertised these food products left me with the knowledge that these meals would make me grow two feet and play in the NBA. In addition to this, fast food restaurants have made series upon series of commercials in which they display a large variety of hypnotic cartoons to mesmerize children and force them to eat disgusting kids meals. At first, the ads told me that fast food was fun for the whole family as well as nutritious. Unfortunately, this highly camouflaged, bright red high-lighted link with bright white letters confusingly arranged in a straight, left-to-right line to spell, “BK Food” revealed the truth: the food is bad for you. For instance, BK’s staple product, the whopper value meal, contains 1300 calories if one exercises self-control and purchases a medium coke and fry, instead of succumbing to the siren song of super-size (http://www.burgerking.com/Food/index.aspx).
Though this information may smash one’s childhood dreams the truth must get out! Yes, fast food is not what it seems. For as long as these fiends of the French fry continue to deceive us with false promises of NBA stardom, we must fight! Take up arms, my fellow man! Do not be the next victim of such places of purgatory! Do not allow these fallen angel franchisees to control your mind and transform you from the innocent, well-to-do person that you are into the glutton that they need for their sinister plans of world domination.
I have seen the face of evil, and it is Ronald McDonald.
