Yeah and don't over-colorate your lyrics. Too much and the lyrics will sound cheesy. Especially if the song isn't an artistic song. There are many ways a song could be said in, some tips apply to some and some not. A good thing to do is check out your favorite songwritters and read there lyrics. You probably knew that but it's a point in the right direction.

I dunno if I was clear on what words to take out and why. The phrase "my days of youth They've all passed me by". Stay away from restating perspective in one verse like, "my days" and then the next line, "they've all".

Something that is useless is something that is obvious like, "a cloud up in the sky". Of course it's up in the sky. haha ;) Leave it out or if your in need of words to fill the vocal. Use impressionistic words like "a cloud marching accrost the sky".

I like the chorus.