Since this is a "guitar" forum, you can guess what most of us are gonna say about your song: it needs some guitar! At least that's my opinion.
I think the lyrics are pretty cool, though, and the hypnotic keyboards are, well, hypnotic. I suggest a David Gilmore-like solo emerging from the silence in the middle of the song, maybe beginning kind of soft and low (like from a distance) and building to a crystal clear, soaring solo. Is that possible with computer-recording software? That part of the song sounds very Pink Floyd-ish to me (and I love Floyd--hence my signature), so why not have a Gilmore solo there?
Cool recording, though. And it may be that you don't want guitar in the mix. But as it is, the piece is more like a poem than a song. Cheers to your creativity!
David
"It's all right son . . . we told you what to dream"
