I generally speaking,as a matter of principle,don't like critiquing other people's songs,coz I get this feeling like I'm telling you how you should say what you want to say,and I have no right or reason(except,perhaps,that you asked me to)to do that.In a face to face to face situation,I'm the kind of guy that just sits down and listens,without giving suggestions or anything,basically hearing you out,and if I got something similar,maybe I'll tell you about it,and so on.The things people have said to me over my lifetime have made me learn to keep my toughts to myself and to learn to listen and believe people for the sake of listening to and believing people.
I know we all want to hear what others(musicians like ourselves) think of our work,but still.The only thing I would do is,once I understand you and can relate to what you're saying,then maybe I can tell you how I'd say the things you're saying.
Just me.