Again the Nick Cave influence is very (too ?) obvious during your vocals.

I think this is probably "last track on the album material" not that that is a bad thing ! How about bringing the whole thing together at the end and introducing bass, guitar and drums ? Ever listen to Talking Heads, they did a song called "Memories can't wait" on "Fear of music". This song is very strange to begin with and comes together wonderfully at the end. May be expand on the heart beat theme with a kick drum, bring in the snare and bass & guit ! It will be hard to avoid clichés but I think it is possible...

You may also want to watch your vocal range, it sounds like you are trying to hit notes that are too low for you. This may or may not be true however that is the way it sounds to my ear. This is fixable with plugins like Autotune (for Sonar) or doing another take or even punching in !

Best of luck dude !