It is hard to judge a song by just reading the lyrics, but it is not hard to judge lyrics by just reading them. These are pretty good, the rhythm feels a little dry and I usually like to see longer lines and/or more contrast but you have some pretty cool lines in there.
It can be hard to fit extended vocal lines (I would say >10 syllables) into music with a more conventional verse chorus thing going. You either have to slow the tempo way down to fit it all in or sing the lyrics over a couple "sections" if that makes sense.
I'd like to hear it if you record it. I am working on finishing up those other songs I did hopefully I can finish them tomorrow but I just got an idea for one of them which may take some time... anyway.
nice lyrics.
