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Registered User
Joined: 10/15/07
Posts: 138
Registered User
Joined: 10/15/07
Posts: 138
11/26/2007 6:06 pm
Originally Posted by: looneytunesThe title of the song should be repeated throughout the piece. This teaches the listener the title instantly. Then they will remember the title and know what to search for on the web, or ask for in the record shop (if there any left).

I like the lyrics very much. I love rhyme in a song. You do rhyme some, but you are not constant. I suggest you rewrite to rhyme more percise.

If it were me, I would shorten the last line in the chorus to; 'I need something' and change the title to "I Need Something".

I would also drop the words "put my" in all the lines "Something that I can put my focus on". Making it "Somehting that I can focus on".

Also, I wouldn't let the listener hanging. I think you should add a verse telling you have found what you were searching for. It would most likely be a love, but that's up to you. And then change the last chorus to to imply you found that something.

Such as:

I found something that I can focus on
something that tells me I belong
no longer am I alone, I now know where to go
I found you and you are all I need to know

You can do it better, but you get the idea.

Just a few suggestions. It's your song.

Good Job!

Those suggestions were great! Thanks a lot, I will definitely consider a lot of you guys' ideas.
"I suggest we learn to love ourselves before it's made illegal." - Incubus

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