A song I wrote~

I wrote this song around mid march, and I really want to figure out which chords should i use and where >> but for now I would like some feed back on the lyrics~ It's my first completed song and the first people i showed it to didn't really give me very in depth feed back 0.0 it's meant to be a sorta slow song, and still have the basic rock vibe to it. so without further adu, I give you my first song, "Stay"


Silence

Pounding at my Ears

You and Me

Our actions are unclear

You say

That I don't understand

I want to hold your hand

But you protest


I wonder what is going on

Is it worth it to hold on


Chorus:

I try to help you

But you push away

All I want is to hold you

And tell you it'll be okay

But you don't believe me

Oh why can't you see

All I want of you

Is for you to stay



Slowly

We're drifting far apart

I wonder

When did this all start

It seems to me

That we are near the end

Is this how we will spend

Our last moments


You used to hold me in your arms

Now our love is in alarm


(Chorus)

(Solo here~ try to imagine it as somehting good :p )


What I really want to see

Are we truly meant to be


(Chorus X2)


For you to stay

Oh why don't you stay

I love you just please stay


well that's it~. I was looking through other topics with song lyrics to see what kind of feedback i should expect, and i think i can take what you can dish.

Hi - I really, really like what you've done here. I agree that this sounds like something done slowly in a minor chord progression. The only lines that I don't really care for (and bear in mind, this is just my opinion so take that for what its worth) is

"You used to hold me in your arms

Now our love is in alarm"

I'm not sure what would work better but this just seems a little 'jarring' in context of the rest of the lyrics. Other than that, it flows very well. Excellent job. Keep writing! :D

yeah, i was sorta pushing it with that part XD and thank you so much for your feedback! i really appriciate it~ ^-^ Now If i could only finish all the other songs I'm trying to write XD :D