i think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of sharades.... especially if your teammates are bad guessers.
i heard this lady say "i like kids"... which is cool... it's like saying "i like people... but only for a little while."
you can say "i love kids" as a general statement... that's fine. it's when you get specific is when you get into trouble...... "i love 12 year olds"
every fight is a food fight when you're a cannibal...
it's funny how "finger puppet" sounds fine as a noun...
i just got some new pajamas with pockets on them... which is great... because before when i slept i had to hold things.
i think batteries are the most dramatic of all objects... because most things stop working... but batteries die. "why aren't you listening to your ipod?".... "i can't, my batteries died in my lap this morning."
when you're a battery... you're either working or your dead... that's a s*** life.
i want to make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces... and when you finish it, it says "go outside"
Those are some jokes from one of my favorite comedians Demetri Martin... check him out, a lot of his stuff is funnier when he does it, obviously.