probably the most overly-abused topic of all time...

i know this is like, 2 pages, i just needed to get this out. its hard to really break this down completely except for in writing.

sooo, basically its about this girl. before i start ranting on and on like a pre-pubescent boy, ill just lay you out some facts. i had dated a wonderful girl i loved very much for over 2 years, and i just broke up with her a few months ago. i broke it off finally after about 5 months of trickery and lifelesness. i have no regrets on pulling the plug; we're very different individuals and i needed to really think about where i am in life, and where i need to be going. its hard to be 18 and striving for your place in life with someone tugging in a different direction. i think thats just why high school sweethearts dont make it through those college years. but anyways, that was about a month and a half ago or so. ive been emotionally fine with all thats happened with that, totally. my problem lies with another girl ive known for years.

we started talking again after years of not seeing/speaking in about november-ish. i'd known her from middle school and oddly enough, we "dated" for a few weeks as far as i can remember. just kid stuff, obviously...but im sure ill label my present disconent as "kid stuff" when im 30.

i'd never met a girl like this. ever. like....my old girlfriend, we connected amazingly, but it was never a truly intellectual connection. we just never had conversations about philosophy, art, or music. i mean, it just wasnt who she was. and i accepted that. this girl, jana...she's like, everything that i had ever thought i would look for in the opposite sex. its just...wow, you cant describe that, you know? im pretty much just crazy about her. but sure, there's alot of problems with this.

we hang out allll the damn time. we watch movies and weird foreign cartoons until 5 in the morning, we talk for hours on her bed about anything and everything, we sit outside walmart on sunday afternoons to take pictures of obese patrons and funny-looking employees (yea, sounds mean...but you know you love to gawk at the 300 pound mammoths that parade around the parking lot too). we're even making plans to go down to the beach for the weekend to get drunk and kick it rowdy. i love all these things i share with her, but its still weird. like, we've never made a move onto one another. never. i mean...my old girlfriend, we hit it off, like that. first date...kiss. 3 months later...shacking it up 3x daily anywhere we could. i just like...i have these urges with this girl too, i just dont act on them. i dont know why. well, i do know why. im afraid to ruin what i have with her, which is an awesome friendship. our relationship with one another is somewhere between "friends" and an "item". i dont know how she see's me, though. i think we're on the same page...after all, we're on the same page with everything else. we practically share the same brain. but just that weird feeling of the fact that ive literally been lying next to her reading poetry and haven't even made a MOVE makes me think that its not what i think it is.

yo, i feel like im in middle school again.

im usually a really chill guy, and im very confident with how i look, where i am in life, and what i beleive in. this girl has made me question everything, without her even doubting me. like...lately, ive been so depressed over being so confused. i dont get it. i should be happy. im not. im miserable. in fact, (just a disclaimer: i am in NO WAY the 'crying guy' at parties. ever.) when i got home this morning after partying, i was so depressed she didnt call me that i nearly started crying. ive never been this into a girl, honestly. i usually could care less. nothing makes me feel better, either. i play guitar every day, but its so empty and like...meaningless when i do. shredding is beyond retarded to me right now; the only reason i pick it up is to play my crappy love ballads that i soak up my free time with, or to record little bits and peices of songs im working on in the studio.

and this is where i start feeling like i dont know who i am. no matter how many people i know, no matter how many friends i have, no matter how many messages i'll get from people i care about, i just focus sooo much around her that its becoming unbearable. i never took myself to be this kind of person...someone that obsesses. but i freak myself out with how badly im in over my head with this sh*t. its almost like, this is the first girl that im intimidated by. not just 'wow, this chick is gorgeous' its even more than that. its like 'wow, this chick is going to be more succesful than i will ever be' or 'wow, i dont deserve someone this smart' kindof thing. and its eaten away at me to the point where i feel like i dont matter. and ive honestly thought about killing myself. for NO ****ing reason. i know i have some kind of problem, no matter how normal i think i am. i dont think i have depression, but when i can honestly be outside on a friday afternoon with 2 weeks of complete freedom and a modest 20 hour per/week workload, and STILL be fighting back breaking down and freaking out, i can sense theres a problem.

could she know how crazy i get over this stuff? i mean, she's so calm and laid-back, its hard being the person that is erratic and unstable for a change. im waiting to make my move, but its so hard. i mean, even if i did, she's going up to state college at the end of the summer. yea, i plan on visiting her every chance i get; its only a 3 hour drive. but like, that seems so selfish of me to restrict her just like i felt i was being restricted. ive just never been so head-over-heels for someone and having them (possibly) not feel that way about me.

has anyone ever felt like this? i know its all too common; its pretty much the basis of 1/2 the love songs ever made. and i feel pathetic that after all i thought i was, i can barely sleep at night with this on my mind. im trying to play the friend card...im trying reallllly hard. its just like, after i get home from seeing her, i feel like whatever drug i was on just got taken away from me, and theres no guarantee i'll ever get it again. thats the only way i can describe it: like some kind of addiction. its driving me crazy. i feel so alone. and its even harder because although im glad i broke up with my ex, i miss that companionship so much more because of it. i miss sleeping with a girl i care about worse than anything right now. i would cut off my right arm to have this girl, and nothing in my life has ever tempted me to give up things that i love, namely guitar. but i feel like i would do anything to be happy like this.

i must have issues.

No my friend, you don't have issues. Trust me, I've been there. If theres somebody who has had essentially all the problems with the opposite sex, its me. "Love", or whatever you may want to call it, is euphoric. Its literally a high without a foreign substance involved. So probably mentally, you can get addicted to it. Its why so many marriages get broken off a few years in, because they lost that euphoria and theres no high related to being with eachother.

Anyways, I think you know the answer to your problems. You gotta tell her, and you gotta do it soon, or its gonna drive you insane. I mean, the worst she can say is "lets just be friends." And knowing where you stand with her is gonna be a lot better than wondering. Wondering will get you absolutely nowhere, and is gonna leave you miserable until you find out. You'd be temporarily very miserable if she shoots you down, but its better than never knowing. If she does by chance shoot you down, then c'est la vie dude. You're in high school still, correct? Remember the old line "theres plenty of fish in the sea." As stupid as I may sound being you think or may have found your "soul mate", once you head off into the real world, you're going to meet more seasoned and intelligent women than you ever have in your life. They don't get dumber as they get older. In fact, I'd say its quite the opposite.

And to say that you'd be holding her back isn't necessarily true. I mean, isn't love supposed to override everything else in life? It would for me, as it obviously would for you judging for your current emotions for this chick.

Get it off your chest man. What happens, happens. If she says no, then it obviously wasn't meant to be. Theres somebody out there for everyone, probably multiple people. Maybe this is your somebody, maybe it isn't.

I couldn't make a prediction here judging from your situation because its a well known fact that guys operate on logic and females operate on reverse logic. So you never know whats going through her head. But if you don't tell her its gonna eat away at you majorly.

This site is great ain't it? Dedicated to guitars, yet we can talk about such things like this and not get ridiculed for it.

Good luck man. I wish the best for you. :)

You got it bad my friend. I'm with Grizzly in saying tell her. Its that good ole saying "leap of faith".... It will drive you mad if you dont. I will also comment on the holding her back comment you talked about. If you are talking about sucess in school, finances, etc as a merit of the person you are you might want to step back and take another look. I know some very sucessfull people that has a personality of a brick and the morals of a Mexican drug loard. Where you go inlife has no bearings on the person you are. Aparently she enjoyes your company and the person you are or she wouldent spend as much time with you. Give yourself some credit bud... there is something there that makes her want to be around you. I can speak from personal expierance about the one thinking they donet deserve the other (or think they will hold them back). My wife said the very same thing to me many years ago. To be honest it really confused me ... "her" being the most increadible woman I have ever meet thought I deserved better than her. At the time she didn't have any direction and didnt know what she wanted from life. I on the other hand had made up my mind where I was going and was solid on it. Well looking back (7 yrs now) the picture has changed big time. I have stayed on my carrier path and she found hers. Now she makes more money than I do and has a important job for the goverment and constantly wins awards for all the things she does above and beyond her call of duity. So try not to judge yourself so harshly. LOL... now im rambeling. Long and short... talk to her. Let her know your fealings and lay the cards on the table. Most likely you will find your fears where no more than the boogie man in the closset. Good luck.

You have to speak to her man...

I had it bad for a girl at college, but she was a friend first and we never did anything about it. Years later, I met her again - it turned out she had a crush on me too back then, and we had a bit of a fool around, which was nice... :)

However, I could have been enjoying it for years previously and I had no idea. From what you're saying it sounds like she's keen. I've never regretted doing something, only not doing it...

It'll save your sanity, and you might be lucky... ;)

Originally Posted by: quickfingerswe talk for hours on her bed about anything and everything....but just that weird feeling of the fact that ive literally been lying next to her reading poetry and haven't even made a MOVE makes me think that its not what i think it is.

Do you think she lies on her bed and discusses poetry with all her friends? I don't.

You gotta find out or you will lose your mind. If you're not going to make a move, at least ask. Like Grizz said, the worst that could happen is that she'll say "Let's just stay friends."

I wish you luck.

very true, all of you. well, its just really weird for me. as many of you know it sucks to have to step over that barrier of the cool, understanding friend because it works so easilly. i dunno. i dont consider myself to have any real insecurity issues, but the thought of having to expose so much weakness to her is hard. the one thing i've realized about myself since going through this is that i have an issue with being seen as even remotely "uncool" to certain people. like, she goes out so my shows and has a good time, and has hung out with my friends, and done whatever else to show that im not a social recluse, but for some reason i always feel like i have to prove something to her. i know her really well obviously, but im still not in her social life like that. i mean, who knows...she could see me as one of like, 5 special guys, and for some reason that makes me feel ultimately more duped becsuae she's my one special girl. you know what i mean? i think it just has to do with like, how i grew up. i was sooo lame for a long time, and it was like, when i picked up the guitar and got into music, my quality of life just shot up immensely. i feel like i have so much culture around me, with skating and my music, and i didnt need the clique bullsh*t in high school. its the thought of having to be brought back down to that level of uncomfortability that i fear alot. i dont think i'll ever be able to escape from that. i had alot of friends through my later school years and i would still say im a pretty popular guy, but when im stripped of my musical prowess i feel much more vulnerable, because thats what people see me as. so maybe just the fact that she makes me question my future as a guitar instructor and a musician makes me in turn doubt everything about my self-worth. i dunno. i feel alot better than i did last night after getting that off my chest, though.

Originally Posted by: quickfingersvery true, all of you. well, its just really weird for me. as many of you know it sucks to have to step over that barrier of the cool, understanding friend because it works so easilly. i dunno. i dont consider myself to have any real insecurity issues, but the thought of having to expose so much weakness to her is hard. the one thing i've realized about myself since going through this is that i have an issue with being seen as even remotely "uncool" to certain people. like, she goes out so my shows and has a good time, and has hung out with my friends, and done whatever else to show that im not a social recluse, but for some reason i always feel like i have to prove something to her. i know her really well obviously, but im still not in her social life like that. i mean, who knows...she could see me as one of like, 5 special guys, and for some reason that makes me feel ultimately more duped becsuae she's my one special girl. you know what i mean? i think it just has to do with like, how i grew up. i was sooo lame for a long time, and it was like, when i picked up the guitar and got into music, my quality of life just shot up immensely. i feel like i have so much culture around me, with skating and my music, and i didnt need the clique bullsh*t in high school. its the thought of having to be brought back down to that level of uncomfortability that i fear alot. i dont think i'll ever be able to escape from that. i had alot of friends through my later school years and i would still say im a pretty popular guy, but when im stripped of my musical prowess i feel much more vulnerable, because thats what people see me as. so maybe just the fact that she makes me question my future as a guitar instructor and a musician makes me in turn doubt everything about my self-worth. i dunno. i feel alot better than i did last night after getting that off my chest, though.

Not trying to be a smarta** but why not try to just be yourself. Don't equate your self worth with some sense of cool or musicianship. Just be the guy you are. As far as this girl, at the risk of sounding like a fortune cookie, if it is something that is to be, then it will. Now that doesn't mean that you should do nothing and see how it plays. What it means is that you should express a little interest in her romantically and see how it goes. How is it recieved? Women work in subtleties. So she'll let you know how she feels if you pay attention. And if she doesn't return the feelings now that does not mean that it won't change in the future. So if she does not return your feelings at the moment, then is the time to be cool. Maintain your friendship. In the end, the best relationships are the ones that started out with a solid friendship. It's much better to be friends that evolve into lovers but almost impossible to become friends with a lover. Take that one from experience man, I've been there more than once and hope to be in that position again one day. ;)

valid point indeed. well, you might take me as a little more of a pansy than i actually am from reading all of that, becuase when i have my head on my shoulders, im pretty cool about all this stuff. its just those fleeting moments of questioning myself that leads me to rediculous conclusions. but thank you nonetheless.

Originally Posted by: quickfingersvalid point indeed. well, you might take me as a little more of a pansy than i actually am from reading all of that, becuase when i have my head on my shoulders, im pretty cool about all this stuff. its just those fleeting moments of questioning myself that leads me to rediculous conclusions. but thank you nonetheless.

On the contrary my friend. I would never suggest that you're anything even remotely close to a pansy. If having moments of doubt makes one a pansy then I must have been queen for a day continously since the late 70's. Love/lust/attraction makes us all a little spooked and a little crazy and more than a little bit off-kilter. That's a part of it. When I feel like that, I know that I am really into the woman. Man that's a sweet feeling. Scary but sweet.

I am on board with the others. You have to tell her. The art is how you tell her, how you show her. Good luck. Hope it works out the way you want.

Originally Posted by: hunter60If having moments of doubt makes one a pansy then I must have been queen for a day continously since the late 70's.

Um, hunter man, that's like, queen for three decades.

baHAH. aww. i still like the analogy though.

My boy quick... let me tell ya something, 4 days ago I meet for the first time a girl I contacted on the web... weird... well hellyeah... we chat via MSN for 3 months... 4 days ago, we meet, the next day we went to the movies... that day we kissed... talked for hours... Bro... I'm floating, I can belive how happy I am, nobody can tell for real but... damn I think she is the ONE...

Time will tell, but my advice is... go for it... life is uncertain, and what tomorrow brings... who knows?... don't waste time bro...

It's blues deluxe bro... "I don't know too much bout love baby, but sure as hell I got it bad"

Originally Posted by: polanskyMy boy quick... let me tell ya something, 4 days ago I meet for the first time a girl I contacted on the web... weird... well hellyeah... we chat via MSN for 3 months... 4 days ago, we meet, the next day we went to the movies... that day we kissed... talked for hours... Bro... I'm floating, I can belive how happy I am, nobody can tell for real but... damn I think she is the ONE...

Time will tell, but my advice is... go for it... life is uncertain, and what tomorrow brings... who knows?... don't waste time bro...

It's blues deluxe bro... "I don't know too much bout love baby, but sure as hell I got it bad"

He speaks the truth. Good Bonamassa reference too.

Originally Posted by: earthman buckUm, hunter man, that's like, queen for three decades.

Yes it is. Those are some pretty impressive math skills you got there. :D